Manning to Colston - TOUCHDOWN!!

So yeah, in my Fantasy League I have Eli Manning as my QB and Marques Colston as my #1 receiver, so in fantasy terms aren't I technically correct in pretending that Eli tosses those fantasy passes to Colston in the weekly matchup? No...? Well, it's my first year.

So the picks:

San Franciso @ Minnesota
The Vikings got the run stopping Williams Wall, and the Niners will pound it, pound it, pound it. Have to go with the Vikes at home though, with Brett Favre the Game Manager continuing to victimize the 49ers, as he has done over most of his career. Vikings 23-13 over the Niners.

Denver @ Oakland
Pretty easy here: Denver looks decent, Oakland looks lucky to be 1 and 1. JaMarcus looks worse that Alex Smith ever did, whil Denver messed off a franchise QB in Jay Cutler during the offseason, and still got a decent QB in return (Kyle Orton). The Raiders cut a decent QB in Jeff Garcia and have no options other than JaMarcus who is most kindly described these days as "raw". Denver should roll by 2 TD's at least. With that in mind, I choose Oakland to somehow get the victory. There is some attractiveness in that scrappy defense and the young QB who looks horrible for most of a game but can make big throws at the end. Raiders over the Broncos 18-17.

Tennessee @ New York Jets
I like Sanchez. The Jet fans probably love him. Tennessee is bad - NYJ is bad, but at least the Jets have Sanchez. Jets over Titans 28-16.

Miami @ San Diego
Go Wildcat, it's your birthday... Miami is also stuffing the run this year, besides thier Wildcat hi jinks. LaDainian is hobbled and Merriman is hurting, but they will probably be out here for this home loss to the Dolphins. Miami Dolphins over San Diego Padres... er, Chargers, 24-9.

Sllaacs' Ballers are 2-0. Sousa's lame-ass squad is 1-1. What's lame-er, is that our teams don't play each other during the regular fantasy season. You'll have to make the playoffs to get rolled by the Ballers, Sousa - I'd say good luck, though you won't need it with this weeks opponent.

Sllaacs

Lowell Cohn: Raiders' Screw-up is 49ers' Gain

Cohn hates the Raiders' pick, too. There seems to be a consensus.

Kawakami: Never Doubt Mike Lombardi

Al Davis does what Al Davis does.

And now the 49ers take Michael Crabtree, which means that it will be in our faces for the next 10 years if Crabtree is great and Heyward-Bey sucks.

God Damn It.

Donkeys vs. Cutler: BWAAAHAHAHA!!!!

You can get all the details on the Denver/Jay Cutler debacle on Bill Williamson's ESPN Denver Broncos Blog, er, AFC West Blog.

Anyway, what it has me thinking about is how different this Raider Season is from previous years. Other than the tragic Marquis Cooper story, an accident that nobody on Harbor Bay Parkway could have had anything to do with, the Raiders' off-season has been drama free.

Sure, there's Cable's "critical" comments about Jammy, but look at the contortions people have to go through to even make that news.

Here, it's been nothing but Nmamdi, Lechler, and Al Davis hagiography at the Owner's Meetings (feel free to ask Nmamdi what "hagiography" means. Anyone who uses "apocryphal" in a sentence correctly and nonchallantly can tell you what it means).

Maybe Sllaacs can comment on Ray Ratto's Psalm to Jay Cutler.

Cam Inman Disses BARFF

Fleshes out the shared stadium fantasy, and takes it to its logical conclusion.

This idea makes too much sense for the teams to actually pursue it.

Dennis O'Donnell is a Little Bitch

Well, okay. Mike Singletary is announced as the new, permanent head coach of the San Francisco 49ers.

But that doesn't mean you have to cut away from Johnnie Lee Higgins doing the Rerun dance.

Johnnie Lee is saying, "I can't show you too much, cuz I might be on 'Dancing with the Stars Next Week."

But that doesn't mean O'Donnell has to give the "wrap it up" sign to his producers or whatever.

Raiders 2, 49ers 1

Suck it, Niners fans. We got more Pro Bowlers than you did.

A word about JASR - And then the picks.

Now that the Main Stream Media have made the connection, I would like to reinforce my own stance on JaAlex SmiRussell - or JASR, for short. Sllaacs feels no satisfaction in this, only a slight vindication, for Alex Smith.

Alex Smith has been correctly labelled a BUST, but that label should have an asterisk, that says: "The San Francisco Forty-Niners totally messed up this kids' career, see 'Nolan, Mike' for further details."

The same can be said JASR - he is a victim of a crummy owner, coaching staff and team, and much like Alex Smith - he is no Archie Manning. He needs some semblance of a coaching staff and supporting cast on his team for him to succeed. There is nothing wrong with JASR physically; he can make all the plays, but he must be properly guided in how to be a QB. In the old days, JASR and Alex Smith would have sat the bench for at least one full season and carried a clipboard while a veteran QB showed him how it was done. The success of Peyton Manning and a few other great QB's coming right in and starting, along with media pressure due to the Number One Overall Pick status of both JaMarcus and Alex, led two weak ownership's to rush the young players into games, before any kind of team stability or structure had been achieved. When I see JASR, I just feel sad, and I feel a slight vindication for Alex, because the same thing that happened to him, has happened to JASR. Now, all the Raiders fans need is for Cable to call JASR a pussy and JASR to go into a game and injure himself further. Then he and Alex will be damn-near twins. The Ebony and Ivory Quarterbacks, underneath the heading: Ruined #1 Overall Picks by Bay Area NFL teams.

What should irk Raiders fans the most: Didn't Big Al take at least one look across the Bay over the last 4 years and get a smidgen of an idea of the horrible job Nolan and the Yorks were doing with Alex Smith? Guess not, since he's doing nearly the exact same thing with JASR. Or at least, allowing it to happen.

Picks:

San Franciso @ Miami:

The Dolphins are good. Better than Buffalo? Yes. Better than the Bretts? I don't know. Better than the Forty-Niners? The Mike Singletary-led Forty-Niners? Probably. But I am going to go with my squad this week, hoping not to jinx them. They went to New York and won, so I will pick the Forty-Niners to go into Florida now and come back with another win. San Francisco over the Dolphins 17-10.

New England @ Oakland:

The Raiders will lose this one. Why, you might ask, am I so sure? Because the Raiders are Blue Shit Water, that's why. But more than that, the Raider ALWAYS FOLD IN BIG GAMES. And this is a big game - for Randy Moss. He wants to come in and go off on the Raiders. And he will. Nmandi is quite the baller, and even if he does shut down Moss, Randy will be leaving with the win and the thought that success in the playoffs is a realistic goal. New England over the Raiders, 38-22.

Green Bay @ Jacksonville:

Who would have thought, after week 8 that the Niners would be challenging the Packers for "Better Record". Quite the tumble for the Cheese Heads. They went from: "We Need Favre!" to: "We got Rodgers!" to: "Who are we gonna draft next year?"  Expect the Packers to keep losing. The Jacksonville Jaguars will beat Green Bay 23-16, in a "Depresser".

N.Y. Giants @ Dallas:

This is the only compelling game of the week, in Sllaacs opinion. Should be a good game, with N.Y. having the shine slapped off their asses by McNabb and Co. and Pittsburgh callin' it a comeback against Dallas last week, even though they been here for years, rocking their peers, putting suckers in fear - making their tears rain down like a mon-soon... But I digress, (Go L.L, go L.L!). N.Y. will slap down Romo and T.O. Giants over Cowboys, 27-17.

"...don't ever compare me to rest who are all being sliced and diced..."

P.S.  You gotta love LL Cool J.  "Momma said knock you out", but she also said "Todd, take out the garbage."

Sllaacs

John's Picks: Happy Anniversary.

As you may or may not know, December 7 is day that will live in infamy. Not because of that, but because that's the day, six years ago, that the Professor made an honest man of me.

So we're having a relaxing day as well. I realize I'm a little late with my picks, since two of the games have started already. As I type, the Giants just had a field goal blocked and trail Philly 3-0 in the 2nd quarter. Whatever, they will pull this out, 17-9.

The Packers should win. At home, in the snow. 21-17.

And if the Raiders beat the Jets in Overtime, the 49ers should almost certainly be able to win this game. But I've given up pretending to know anything about the BARFF this year. Jets win 28-17.

Thanksgiving Hangover Picks

So, Lance gets a new job. Jerry breaks down the Tennessee rumors. That seems to me like a much higher profile position than I expected him to get. I was thinking more like a lower-tier Pac-10 job. Anyway, good luck with that, buddy. If you thought working with Al was weird, at least he doesn't have a Body Farm in Alameda. At least that we know of. By the way, Mary Roach wrote an excellent book called Stiff that gives the Body Farm its own chapter.

You know what? I'm feeling optimistic this week. I don't know if this has less to do with the Raiders thumping Denver last week or the fact the Chefs are really, really bad. But I think we win one this week, and match last year's win total a week earlier in the season. Raiders 34, Chiefs 17.

As my father in-law informed this evening at dinner, the Buffalo Bills have the biggest offensive line in the National Football League. "You know John, I got into an argument with that goddamned nephew of Adeline's, old Ron, when he tried to tell me Dallas had the biggest line in the league. I said, 'Bullshit, Ron. Buffalo's line averages 332." You know what, I looked that shit up, and he's right. 332.2, to be exact. Anyway, the 9ers pass rush is not that great. So Buffalo wins, 28-13.

The Packers got their asses whupped in New Orleans last Monday night. This week, at home against Carolina, I think they win. 24-19.

So, for the last game, I'm picking Denver to continue their suckage against the Jets this weekend. 48-14.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

BARFF

Sllaacs and Dan have hit upon an interesting concept without a good acronym: The Bay Area Football Debacle. Dan suggests BAD, which is pretty good, but I miss the F. So here's an idea:

Bay Area Raiders Forty-Niners Football, or BARFF.

Seeing as the football being played on either side of the Bay makes fans of both teams want to Puke, the "debacle" part is implied in the acronym BARFF.

And, you can take BART to BARFF.

Oh, and since Sllaacs was thoughtful enough to give us Nancy Gay on Al emasculating Greg Knapp, he's Kawakami on the 49ers Monday Night Game:

Mike Martz took time out of his usual ignoring of the media on Tuesdays to reveal that he too thought the 49ers’ last play was from the 1/2-yard line. And Martz said he only figured out the 49ers were at the 3 1/2 when Mike Nolan called and told him so this morning.

PROBLEM: Hey Mike Martz and Mike Nolan… the ball actually was at the 2 1/2. Really. Go back and check. You got it wrong TWICE, star off-coor.

Once when it happened and you called the wrong play and then many hours later, after your former coach (favored coach?) called to tell you. Wrongly.

It was NOT at the 3 1/2 or the 1/2 or whatever half-witted thing you thought it was or still think it was or are arguing still that it was. It was at the 2 1/2-yard line. Please memorize that.

This is unbelievable. My head hurts at the 49ers’ incredible ability to not see things clearly, then argue with anybody who did see it clearly, then babble about it later.

Is there nobody up in that booth who can tell the difference between the 1/2-yard line and the 2 1/2?

Does Mike Nolan know what he’s talking about, even when he’s sitting on his couch?

Should he be calling Martz? Should Martz be saying that Nolan is the only guy “smart enough” to watch it on TV replay and call him… with the wrong info?

Geez. Jed York really has this ship cruising.

Could Be Worse: Condi Rice linked to 49ers Job

Lowell Cohn has this nugget on his blog tonight.

I mean, could you see Al Davis ever considering this? I've heard him lecture Steve Corkran on how much he knows about "Foreign Affairs." I mean, of course, Al Davis is an expert on Everything.

Except that recently he seems to have forgotten how to field a competitive football operation. Anyway, I think the 49ers hiring Condi Rice would be an awesome move, at least in terms of making their organization more interesting. She was at Stanford at the same time as Bill Walsh, I think, so they could make the claim that she's part of the all-Holy Bill Walsh Family Tree.

The only problem is, she might not be able to travel with the team if they get picked to play in the London Bowl or whatever the hell they call it, because she'd be worried about being arrested for war crimes.

Good times. Maybe the Giants can hire George Schultz.

John's Picks

The Professor is in Utah for the Western History Association conference. So I spent last night taking people's money in poker and then drinking at the Broken Record. I'm a little hungover, but not terribly, because I took Chaser. It works.

The Raiders will win today, 24-13. I'm just feeling it, even though McFadden is out. But the Ravens are missing their Corners, starting Fabian "I partied too much in Oakland" Washington. I like JaMarcus and Javon to continue what they started last week, especially against the wrecked-up secondary of the Ravens.

Giants, 21-20.

Bucs over Cowboys.

49ers over Seahawks, who are TERRIBLE.

The 49ers are Boring.

Nolan's fired. Big deal. Wake us up when Dr. York breaks out the overhead projector and spends over an hour calling Nolan a lying liar who lied and lied and lied.

I wonder what Sllaacs thinks about Mike Singletary. I guess he's too busy hating on JaMarcus on my facebook wall.

As for the Raiders and our thrilling, overtime win, well, we're still working on processing that properly. Baby steps, people. There are a lot of pictures to sort through, inebriated notes to decipher, and whatever the hell else we have to do. That's why we're bloggers, because we're not competent enough to be real writers.

John's Picks.

Waiting for Dan and his brother Mikey to show up and start pre-gaming for tomorrow...

I'm going with the Raiders in this game. For some reason, I think Brett is due to throw 3 or 4 INTs tomorrow. The Chaz Schillens era debuts with him getting 6 catches for 122 and a Touchdown. 22-13 Raiders. Hell, if stuff like this can happen (and yes, it may well be apocryphal), anything can happen.

The 49ers are playing the Giants, who just got worked by Cleveland, and are probably pretty pissed, and are going to take it out on the hapless 49ers. Oh, and JTO is a back-up quarterback. For a franchise that redefined quarterback excellence, it's just not acceptable that a guy whose name sounds like a schlocky Canadian 1970s rock band is calling signals on Bill Walsh Field.

The Colts look to be back, so maybe the Packers should worry. But since Sllaacs took Indy, I'm going with GB. 27-24.

Bufalo vs. San Diego is an interesting one. I like the disChargers, for some reason. 27-21.

Don't Call it a Comeback: John's Picks

Now that my colon is no longer a semi-colon, I'm coming back to rock the picks. We haven't tallied up a score in a while, and I think dobolina is off being a new dad or something, so it will just be me vs. Dan vs. Sllaacs. We'll get a new score after this weekend.

Okay, party people.

So. The Tom Cable Era begins. Yes, the press conferences may be bland. I don't give a good Gosh Darn It, as long as the product on the field isn't dull. Or shit, go ahead and be dull, just win a goddam football game, okay? I think the Saints are a better team, and should win the game at home in the dome. But it's also a homecoming of sorts for JaMarcus, who dominated in his last appearance there, in 2007 Sugar Bowl. So, the Aints win, 27-24.

Rush Limbaugh's favorite quarterback also happens to be my fantasy QB. I didn't pick him out of a "social concern," in fact the auto-draft did it for me. I was quite happy with him for the first three weeks of the season. Now, he promises to bring it. And since Chris Dennebaum--the biggest Philly Phanatic I know--is getting married this Sunday, I think the Iggles join the rest of the Philly sports renaissance going on right now. JTO may throw for 300 and 3 TDs, but so does Donovan. 35-28 Eagles.

Seattle sucks. I mean, they really, really suck. They Art Shell Suck. They suck so bad, Walt Coleman's mother called up Paul Allen and asked if she could audit some team meetings and improve her deep throat technique. I mean, they're not as bad as the Lions or the Rams, but they still suck. Green Bay 37-6.

In a rematch of last year's AFC Championship game, I think the Patriots will beat the Chargers. They're not that great. They almost lost to us. The Chargers don't look like they can score points to me. So there. 18-14 San Diego.

Sllaacs' Mom Provoked My CyberStalker; Picks.

I'm still pretty sure that the guy trying to get his flame war on me is my brother, who didn't know who Lance Kiffin was. Although, when I read it out loud to him, he laughed and said he didn't write it but wished he had. Still, he's the only one who so lovingly calls me "DickFace."

I feel like I need to mention Bill Simmons today, because he brings up the NFL.com "Every Day is Like Sunday" commercials. Which I wrote about almost a month ago. Wow, I beat one of my heroes to the punch, which means absolutely nothing. It's also relevant because he has the Bye week beating the Raiders (though not by as much as it's beating the Rams), has some funny-ish reader emails about which Hollywood monster Al Davis most resembled at the press conference, and says that we Raiders fans get a Stomach Punch because Tom Cables record as Head Coach at the University of Idaho was 11-35. Anyway, that's more games in the span of 3 years than we've one the last three, so it's an improvement, right?

As for Sllaacs saying that Cable should keep to Lance's plan, does that include the weekly "Tell The Truth Mondays," or what Al Davis referred to as Flat Out Lying? Because that would be awesome.

On to the picks:

Niners vs. Patriots. I really, really hope that Patrick Willis catches Randy Moss coming over the middle. Oh, right, Randy doesn't go over the middle. Oh well. The 49ers win. 17-14.

Packers vs. Falcons. Is Aaron Rodgers even playing? Still feeling good about trading the Indestructable Brett Favre now? Rodgers is the man of Glass. Falcons, and Bubba Malaysia's All Star Running back Michael Turner run the shit out of the Packers, 29-13. Seems like Turner busts out ever two weeks, so he's due.

Bufalo goes to 4-0 with a 27-14 Win over AZ. Is Matt Leinert still on that team?

By the way CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY would like to thank Al Davis, Lane Kiffin, the NFL, Tim Kawakami, John Herrera, and Morrissey for the month of September, which I just noticed was our most prolific month since our inception, with a total of 116 posts.

Who the Fuck is Randy Hanson? Also, John's Picks.

Good job by Dan and Sllaacs keeping up the blog while I've been out of action. I think all of the stupidity of the last week made me sick.

Anyway, so just what the Raiders the morning of a game with a division rival: More controversy. Some guy named Randy Hanson was suspended by Lance after the Monday Night Debacle of September 8 after he was overheard saying, "It's a good thing that Shanahan didn't have our players, or else he would have beaten us 1,000-0."

So now he's the latest assistant coach to come out and call Lance a liar, and what with all the injuries, I'll be shocked if we keep the game within 30 points today. The only inflection we're likely to see or hear is in Al's voice when he speaks to the media this week, if he was telling Corkran the truth. on thisAt least that will be interesting. Chargers win, 42-10.

Jerry has more on this, saying that Kiffin's big mistake was in not talking to Al before trying to fire Rob, etc, which is the same shit Shanny did 20 years ago when he tried to purge his staff of Art Shell and Tom Walsh. We all know how that ended up.

Again, I'm not saying Kiffin is the 2nd coming of Bill Walsh. He's clearly not. He's also probably a hypocrite, as Peterson argues so persuasively. But anyone who thinks he's the only, or even the main problem, is in denial. Deep, crushing, unhealthy denial.

The 49ers are playing pretty good football. It could be a shoot out in the dome. I like the 9ers, actually, 31-28.

I like Tampa over the Packers, in a squeaker, 17-14. Maybe even OT. Raiders fans will watch, wistfully, remembering what it was like to have a well-coached football team.

Jets-Cardinals. Maybe there's something to this trade speculation of Jerry's. I would trade every receiver who is not a rookie, and next years (likely Top-5) for Anquan Boldin. Do it NBA-style, so the cap numbers match. But that's just me. I'm weird, I want JaMarcus to be successful.

Oh. Cardinals win after they return 3 Favre INTs for six. I'd a double-bagged.

Rex Sets Us Back; John's Picks

Picked up an SF Weekly to read while I was having lunch today, and turned to the cover story about two homeless junkies who go to SF State. "Oh, this seems interesting," I said to myself and then opened to page 11 where there was a full page picture of Rex getting ready to cook up, holding his cell phone between his teeth. On his cell phone is a sticker: A Raiders shield.I'm starting to understand how the Cavemen feel every time they see a GEICO ad. First tigers, now junkies. I'm getting sick of how the media portrays us.Anyway, on to this weeks picks, courtesy of Sllaacs Brand HaterAde:I like the Cowboys as well. Just as an aside, punk ass DeSean Jackson cost me a bunch of fantasy points by throwing the ball away before he crossed the plane of the goal line the other night. Not because I have him, but because I have Donovan McNabb. Instead of a touchdown pass, McNabb handed the ball to Westbrook who got a rushing TD. Knock that shit off, DeSean. Cowboys win a close one, 31-28.I agree with Sllaacs that Detroit sucks balls, too. 49ers win 13-12, all defensive touchdowns and field goals.Ah, the Raiders. Who knows at this point. Bufalo is alledgedly pretty good, and our top two running backs are injured. So we lose, again, 36-14. Only Kiffin isn't fired; instead the Raiders pass out Nancy Gay's Monday column dissing Kiffin's playcalling to the media before Norv Turner's conference call.

P.S.: Mike Lombardi is on the BS Report today. They get into the Raiders situation about the 21 or 22 minute mark. Interesting tidbit: he blames the Tampa Blowout in Super Bowl XXXVII in part on only having 1 week between the championship round and the Super Bowl instead of the usual two. He also jokes that they would hope Al's players would get hurt so they could get them out of there and play the guys they wanted because it made them better. He also says Lance had no chance, because A.) he was a college CO-offensive coordinator with no NFL experience and B.) the Raiders are the weirdest organization in sports, and have been weird since Barrett went missing in TJ.

Still in the Top 10

ESPN.com Page 2 has a ranking, 1-32, of all NFL Franchises since the NFL-AFL merger in 1970.

The Raiders come in at #6, just behind the Donkeys. Sllaacs Niners are #3 behind Dallas (1) and Pittsbugh (2). This is mostly because they were so dominant in the 70s and early-80s.

We crush dobolina's Packers, though, who come in at #14.