Vote for Pablo

Kristy picked him out as her favorite the day the Giants called him up. It's good to have some sports excitement in the Bay Area for once.

Vote.

A word about JASR - And then the picks.

Now that the Main Stream Media have made the connection, I would like to reinforce my own stance on JaAlex SmiRussell - or JASR, for short. Sllaacs feels no satisfaction in this, only a slight vindication, for Alex Smith.

Alex Smith has been correctly labelled a BUST, but that label should have an asterisk, that says: "The San Francisco Forty-Niners totally messed up this kids' career, see 'Nolan, Mike' for further details."

The same can be said JASR - he is a victim of a crummy owner, coaching staff and team, and much like Alex Smith - he is no Archie Manning. He needs some semblance of a coaching staff and supporting cast on his team for him to succeed. There is nothing wrong with JASR physically; he can make all the plays, but he must be properly guided in how to be a QB. In the old days, JASR and Alex Smith would have sat the bench for at least one full season and carried a clipboard while a veteran QB showed him how it was done. The success of Peyton Manning and a few other great QB's coming right in and starting, along with media pressure due to the Number One Overall Pick status of both JaMarcus and Alex, led two weak ownership's to rush the young players into games, before any kind of team stability or structure had been achieved. When I see JASR, I just feel sad, and I feel a slight vindication for Alex, because the same thing that happened to him, has happened to JASR. Now, all the Raiders fans need is for Cable to call JASR a pussy and JASR to go into a game and injure himself further. Then he and Alex will be damn-near twins. The Ebony and Ivory Quarterbacks, underneath the heading: Ruined #1 Overall Picks by Bay Area NFL teams.

What should irk Raiders fans the most: Didn't Big Al take at least one look across the Bay over the last 4 years and get a smidgen of an idea of the horrible job Nolan and the Yorks were doing with Alex Smith? Guess not, since he's doing nearly the exact same thing with JASR. Or at least, allowing it to happen.

Picks:

San Franciso @ Miami:

The Dolphins are good. Better than Buffalo? Yes. Better than the Bretts? I don't know. Better than the Forty-Niners? The Mike Singletary-led Forty-Niners? Probably. But I am going to go with my squad this week, hoping not to jinx them. They went to New York and won, so I will pick the Forty-Niners to go into Florida now and come back with another win. San Francisco over the Dolphins 17-10.

New England @ Oakland:

The Raiders will lose this one. Why, you might ask, am I so sure? Because the Raiders are Blue Shit Water, that's why. But more than that, the Raider ALWAYS FOLD IN BIG GAMES. And this is a big game - for Randy Moss. He wants to come in and go off on the Raiders. And he will. Nmandi is quite the baller, and even if he does shut down Moss, Randy will be leaving with the win and the thought that success in the playoffs is a realistic goal. New England over the Raiders, 38-22.

Green Bay @ Jacksonville:

Who would have thought, after week 8 that the Niners would be challenging the Packers for "Better Record". Quite the tumble for the Cheese Heads. They went from: "We Need Favre!" to: "We got Rodgers!" to: "Who are we gonna draft next year?"  Expect the Packers to keep losing. The Jacksonville Jaguars will beat Green Bay 23-16, in a "Depresser".

N.Y. Giants @ Dallas:

This is the only compelling game of the week, in Sllaacs opinion. Should be a good game, with N.Y. having the shine slapped off their asses by McNabb and Co. and Pittsburgh callin' it a comeback against Dallas last week, even though they been here for years, rocking their peers, putting suckers in fear - making their tears rain down like a mon-soon... But I digress, (Go L.L, go L.L!). N.Y. will slap down Romo and T.O. Giants over Cowboys, 27-17.

"...don't ever compare me to rest who are all being sliced and diced..."

P.S.  You gotta love LL Cool J.  "Momma said knock you out", but she also said "Todd, take out the garbage."

Sllaacs

John's Picks: Happy Anniversary.

As you may or may not know, December 7 is day that will live in infamy. Not because of that, but because that's the day, six years ago, that the Professor made an honest man of me.

So we're having a relaxing day as well. I realize I'm a little late with my picks, since two of the games have started already. As I type, the Giants just had a field goal blocked and trail Philly 3-0 in the 2nd quarter. Whatever, they will pull this out, 17-9.

The Packers should win. At home, in the snow. 21-17.

And if the Raiders beat the Jets in Overtime, the 49ers should almost certainly be able to win this game. But I've given up pretending to know anything about the BARFF this year. Jets win 28-17.

John's Picks

Since Sllaacs is apparently out making it safe for white folks to vote against Obama without feeling that twinge of white guilt, and therefore Sllaaccing on making the picks (Probably because the 49ers have a bye, and oh yes, that was a pun), here we go*.

Raiders vs. Falcons: You know, I was kind of back to feeling like we really, really suck, and that I should never, ever pick the Raiders to win a game. Plus, Michael Turner is on my fantasy squad, and given our difficulty stopping the run, I feel like I'm kind of guaranteed a big day there. But then again, JaMarcus has been sharp at home, as have the Raiders generally other than the first game. And seeing as we have the best defense in the AFC West, and DeAngelo Hall is fired up to face his old team, we can't lose. But that doesn't mean we're going to win, either. Tie Game, 20-20.

Green Bay vs. Tennessee: Aaron Rodgers got a contract extension. Maybe he'll lose all of his motivation. Tennessee has an awesome defense and Kerry Collins at QB, and in spite of that fact is undefeated. I like the Packers in this game, on the Road. 27-21.

Dallas vs. New York Football Giants: My buddy Todd is in New Jersey for this game. He's a Cowboys (and RomoSexual, like the Professor), and his girlfriend Adi has an inexplicable crush on Eli Manning. Well, Jessica's Boyfriend is not playing, and the Giants are good. I like the Giants, 27-17.

Washington vs. Pittsburg. Game of the week, easily. 5-2 vs. 6-2, in a game that may or may not have electoral implications. Berman is interviewing both McCain and Obama at halftime. Hopefully nobody will walk in front of the camera. I like the Steelers in this game, especially if Santana Moss doesn't play. 21-17.


*That's not really Sllaacs. It just kinda looks like him.

John's Picks

The Professor is in Utah for the Western History Association conference. So I spent last night taking people's money in poker and then drinking at the Broken Record. I'm a little hungover, but not terribly, because I took Chaser. It works.

The Raiders will win today, 24-13. I'm just feeling it, even though McFadden is out. But the Ravens are missing their Corners, starting Fabian "I partied too much in Oakland" Washington. I like JaMarcus and Javon to continue what they started last week, especially against the wrecked-up secondary of the Ravens.

Giants, 21-20.

Bucs over Cowboys.

49ers over Seahawks, who are TERRIBLE.

John's Picks.

Waiting for Dan and his brother Mikey to show up and start pre-gaming for tomorrow...

I'm going with the Raiders in this game. For some reason, I think Brett is due to throw 3 or 4 INTs tomorrow. The Chaz Schillens era debuts with him getting 6 catches for 122 and a Touchdown. 22-13 Raiders. Hell, if stuff like this can happen (and yes, it may well be apocryphal), anything can happen.

The 49ers are playing the Giants, who just got worked by Cleveland, and are probably pretty pissed, and are going to take it out on the hapless 49ers. Oh, and JTO is a back-up quarterback. For a franchise that redefined quarterback excellence, it's just not acceptable that a guy whose name sounds like a schlocky Canadian 1970s rock band is calling signals on Bill Walsh Field.

The Colts look to be back, so maybe the Packers should worry. But since Sllaacs took Indy, I'm going with GB. 27-24.

Bufalo vs. San Diego is an interesting one. I like the disChargers, for some reason. 27-21.

Sllaacs getting his Larry King On

I wonder what Paul Pierce is thinking as Kobe steals the ball... Poor Javon, drunk and gay - spraying champagne, and then later found on a street - knocked the fuck out and gaffled... What happens in Vegas... So the A's put the sweepers on the Giants - rejoice, cuz the Giants will be back, visiting the Coliseum at the end of this month to help the A's track down the Halos... By the way, has Pudge Rodriguez been a dominant catcher for the past 100 years, or does it just seem that way? Ivan will still gun a fool down trying to steal, and can pick a sucka off of any base, at any moment, and during any count... By the way, where was Javon Walker's entourage? You mean to tell me he was out partying alone? No Crew? No Posse? No teammates? A new day in the Age of the Posse... Billy Beane is so much of the man, that I wonder if we need a new definition for the term... So far the Danny Haren deal is looking like a wonderful, amazing move, and really Beane hasn't gotten smashed on any trade except for the Tim Hudson Deal... The Mark Mulder deal was genius due to Mulder's terrible health since the trade to St.Louis... A long time ago Nick Swisher was a "Young Oakland A"... Wasn't that like, a year ago Tuesday? I always thought Doc Rivers was an ass; as a player, an analyst, and as a coach. To support my innermost instincts, I enter this quote from Rivers (copied from a Scott Osler article) "Kobe's the most dangerous defender in the league." My ass... Totally meaningless statement... "Most Dangerous Defender"... Just what the hell does that mean? Is Kobe out there strapped with a Nine-Milli and at any moment might just bust a cap? Just how dangerous can a defender be? I have witnessed players who I guess could be called "dangerous defenders" in the NBA before - Bill Laimbeer and Dennis Rodman come to mind immediately(the preceding links lead to awesome video clips of the two)... So I ask, who in this Hell has Kobe Bryant forearm shivered, or out-and-out attacked for having the audacity to take a shot at the basket? The next one will be the first... As a Warriors fan, I am not pleased with Baron Davis and his L.A. connections... The W's do have a future without Boom Dizzle, but not at the Point Guard position, not yet... Baron is the type of player that, on another team, I can easily see myself hating, but if he went to L.A., I shudder to think of the outright loathing I will feel for B.D., it would be unhealthy... Tiger Woods, Willis Reed and Kirk Gibson; wobbly kneed gamers... Justin Duchscherer... Just putting his name down for the uninitiated is all, A's fans know our boy well... The Lakers blew 2 more huge leads in game 5, but the home crowd kept them juiced, they won't have the "13th man" anymore... And just because the Lakers and Celtics are in the Finals again after a thousand years doesn't make this a "Golden Year" for the NBA, it's just another season... Or not, if the Lakers come back and win.


Sllaacs

Little Howie

Tonight during dinner I had a chance to watch my first Giants game of the season. Sometime around the 7th inning stretch, baseball's best announcing team - Kruk and Kuip - went to perhaps baseball's worst roving reporter for an interview with Raider middle linebacker Kirk Morrison.

He was attending the game with Chris Long.

The open ended questions were answered predictably: Morrison hopes he drops to #4 so the Raiders can draft him, while Long will be happy to play anywhere and was impressed by the Raiders he's met. Unfortunately, the reporter kept talking and eventually asked Chris if he might just be a Giants fan given all the years his father played in the Bay Area. Oops.

I am in favor of using pick #4 on a defensive lineman, but I doubt Chris Long drops that far.

Meanwhile, the Giants managed to win the ballgame with a walk-off double with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth. The score? 1-0, of course. And that's with Jonathan Sanchez pitching. My favorite headline of the year was the Chronicle's after an opening day 5-0 blanking at the hands of the Dodgers: "Giants Meet Expectations."

The earlier McCovey Cove entertainment, San Francisco's torch shell game, was terrific drama. I was glued to the screen during an extended lunch. Would they circumvent the Third Street Bridge via boat? What would the Free Tibet gang do as a follow-up to the Golden Gate banner stunt? Why is the lead vehicle in the procession one of those amphibious Duck buses?

Best of all, as the torch turned off of Bay and North onto Laguna, there was Little Howie herself: my wife. While trying to avoid the Embarcadero route she had stumbled onto the revised route and had a front-row seat for a torch hand-off. And she looked great on the Chopper cam.

Great day. And another hysterical quote from a San Francisco Supervisor was just icing on the cake.

A's vs. Boston in Japan - A Horrible and Complicated Waste of Time

The Oakland Athletics played in Japan against the Boston Red Sox in a two-game exhibition that actually counts in the American League Standings. The series turned out to be a split, which was good for both teams, as Japan is a long way to go to get swept. Amazing waste of time though. The Japanese know all about Baseball by now, I think, and there is absolutely no need to send MLB teams there to play at all, let alone in games that count in the standings. But it was done - Damn you, Bud Selig. With that money-grabbing crap-fest over, the A's and Red Sox will come back to the U.S. to play out the rest of Spring Training before beginning the regular season again. So if you are keeping score at home, that's; U.S. Spring Training, Fly to Japan for Spring Training, Open the Regular Season in Japan, Fly back to the States, Continue Spring Training, Start Regular Season again.

Awesome.

Richie Harden looked as impressive as always, which means that if his history holds true, he will pitch like Cy Young right up until he gets injured for the season.

And can the Giants look worse? That team is going to be a spectacle to behold in S.F. this year.

Sllaacs

Sllaacs Baseball - 2008

The smell of the grass and the wet infield dirt. The sound of a ball slapping into a mitt. The calls of "Attaboy", "Cut Two!", and "Play Ball!" echoing around the field. This is spring training baseball, an almost magical prologue that happens only prior to the baseball season. Every team is a contender in the spring with the same surprises always around the corner: The kid that's going to hit .600 this spring and then get sent down anyway; the has-been's and never-was's making another try at getting a spot in the Show; the starting pitcher who dominates like he's Cy Young in March and then gets lit up like he's Willie Lump-Lump in April - and vice-versa, of course. How about the O.G's - the dudes like Frank Thomas and Alex Rodriguez - who will hit something like .143 and say something like: "Well, I'm just working on bat speed", or "I'm just trying to see the ball," and then the season starts and it's; "Hall of Fame Bound" being mentioned before, during and after each at-bat they have? Baseball is incomparable to any other sport. For one thing, baseball is harder than any of the big four sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, Hockey) and almost as frustrating as Soccer,(which is a very tough, athletic sport that very few Americans give a damn about, myself included.) Some of the most nonathletic looking "Athletes" have dominated baseball for stretches of time that makes an outsider think that anyone can play the game. Well, anyone who is physically able can play baseball, the question becomes more about playing the game with near-perfection - something you will only see consistently in the Major Leagues... Unless you are a Giants or A's fan. The Giants are what baseball aficionados call "Horseshit" as far as projected offense goes, and the A's are not much better. Both teams are actually going into the season touting their pitching staffs as a strength. These claims are only somewhat laughable in Giants case - they are bringing back some pretty good pitchers, (Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum) but they lost Noah Lowry to an arm injury, Barry Zito is getting smoked and their bullpen closer situation is at best unestablished, and at worst: Horseshit also. Now, Oakland's claim that pitching is their strength is laughable because; 1) the A's don't have any strengths - they traded them all away; B) The pitching probably will be the strength anyway; and III) Revenue sharing will still reward Bean for putting out a shit product. If you like young, raw and unproven talent to root for in your favorite teams' colors - and pretend that your squad will duplicate the Colorado Rockies and Arizona Diamondbacks successes of last year - then you are going to be excited and a-rarin' ta go, cuz' that's what Brian Sabean and Billy Bean are presenting us with in the Bay Area this year. The Giants new motto "All out, All the Time", is not only a swipe at Barry Bonds, but absolutely is the only formula that will allow them to compete for the post season in the National League West. The A's... Well, maybe next year.



Sllaacs 2008 Predicted order of Finish for the S.F. Giants and Oakland Athletics respective Divisions:


American League West: W-L

California Angels 104-58
Seattle Mariners 85-77
Texas Rangers 83-79
Oakland Athletics 76-86


National League West: W-L


Arizona Diamondbacks 92 - 70
Colorado Rockies 90 - 72
San Diego Padres 88 - 74
San Francisco Giants 71-91

Schadenfreude

Leave to Jerry McDonald to break down the game, and continue to show why he's my favorite writer covering the Raiders with his blog post, "Enjoy:"

With the Patriots perhaps being the Raiders’ most hated opponent ever since Brady made his reputation in the playoffs in the snow, you can forget about 19-61 over the last five years for a few hours and realize that occasionally justice is served.

Manning bailed out a Giants defense which finally tired in the fourth quarter after harassing Brady all night.

With the help of a guy named “Tuck.”

It is indeed poetic, if a little bit pathetic justice for us Raiders fans. But I will admit that I really enjoyed rooting for the Giants, not because I care about them, but because I was a straight up hater today. I felt Sllaacs in a room full of fat women Raiders fans.

Oh, and Bill Simmons is a Mother Fucking Jinx. I won't be surprised if his Boston pass gets revoked after this shit.

The Patriots lost.

To Eli Manning, who was indeed unstoppable.

Muhahahahahaha!

Sllaacs is Brief with his Super Bowl Picks; John's Picks

I've been following the Lane Kiffin/Al Davis Drama all week. Just click on the link to Jerry Mac's blog, or the link to Jason Jones' blog, and you can get caught up. I highly recommend both.

Sllaacs:

I must say, that even though the Patsy's beat the shit out of the Giants during their regular season matchup (during the 4th quarter, at least) I would love for Randi Moss to take this loss and ruin the run for a perfect record. I am no Fish lover and Mercury Morris is an asshole, but who cares? Let them be the only underfeated team in NFL history. 28-24 - G-Men.

I was thinking that the Giants had a chance. This is the first time this season that a good team has faced the Patriots a 2nd time. They have the talent to make any adjustments based on the first meeting.

Then two things happened. First, Plaxico guaranteed a victory, even calling the score 23-17. Then, I was watching NFL Total Access, only instead of Rich Eisen it was the blonde. She's been through the Jeanne Zelasco School of Voice Modulation. Anyway, she kept referring to "Easy E's" upcoming interview with Madame Schefter.

Easy E? Since when is that Eli Manning's nickname? And can he be happy about this? What does that imply? That he'll get into a beef with his most talented teammate (Plaxico) the way that the original Eazy-E got into a beef with N.W.A.'s most talented member (Ice Cube)? That he'll end up being a coach of the Cleveland Browns (like Eazy coached Bone Thugs-n-Harmony) before dying of AIDS?

Horrible.

Anyway, I've never wanted a non-Raiders team to win as badly as I want the New York Football Giants to beat the cheating-ass Mother Tuckers from New England. But they probably won't. The Pats will win, probably big. Like 38-14.

Great Season. Both of our readers will be happy to note that we're planning some big changes around here, including but maybe not limited to Sllaacs getting his own by-line (Is that what you call it on a blog?).

Is Bill Simmons a Jinx; John's Picks

The other day after Bill Simmons wrote the column asking which was Boston's best ever team, the 1986 Celtics or the 2007 Patriots, I said he was "jinxing the hell out of them."
I know Dan isn't a fan of Simmons' work, we've talked about this and he said as much in the comments of that post, implying that he is part of ESPN's Bristol, CT-based East Coast Bias.

It's actually a little more complicated than that. See, ever since espn.com debuted Page 2 in November, 2000, I don't think I've missed a column by the guy who was then known as "The Boston Sports Guy." Back then, there were three writers I absolutely had to read every week that wrote for Page 2: Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Wiley, and Bill Simmons. Hunter and Ralph both passed away, and now it's just Bill Simmons that I still read every week.

The thing is, there are two Bill Simmonses. There's the "Sports Guy," who has great composition skills, understands the intersection of sports and pop culture and navigates that intersection better than anyone. He's a populist writer who regularly features a "mailbag" column in which he prints his funniest readers' comments and questions and responds to them, and the feel is like a group of friends hanging around talking about sports, movies, and TV shows. One of the signs of a great writer is that he or she gives you a feeling of intimacy when you're reading them, so that even though you've never met that person, you feel like you're buddies. Bill Simmons is that kind of writer.

Here's an example of how that works for me. In 2002, I got married and moved from Los Angeles, where I was living at the time, to Connecticut, where the Professor was immersed in her graduate studies at Yale. Around that same time, Bill Simmons married the Sports Gal and moved from Boston to Los Angeles. His columns made a lot more sense to me now, since I had driven on Merritt Parkway, and I now knew who Mike and the Mad Dog were. Then we both had daughters within 4 or 5 months of each other. So even though I've never met Bill Simmons, I feel like I know him because of the shared experience as sports fans and fathers, all transmitted through his columns. This Bill Simmons is one of the reasons I wanted to have a Raiders blog.

The other Bill Simmons is the "Boston Sports Guy," and this guy is an insecure, boring, otherwise-regional hack. He carried the collective angst of New England's sports fans to a world that was otherwise able to ignore it. This is where his love of TV and pop culture comes in. Sure, everyone knows about Ken Burns and his 17-hour exegesis of the 1986 World Series Game Six Collapse, where all of Boston's literary icons pompously left the R's out of words describing their heartbreak. But to the average sports fan who doesn't watch PBS or listen to NPR, here came Bill Simmons writing about "The World's Strongest Man" and "The Real World." The teams from his hometown were losers: it had been 14 years (in 2000) since the Celtics had won a championship, seemingly cursed with the deaths of Len Bias and Reggie Williams, and Rick Pitino trying to murder the franchise; the Curse of the Bambino was in full effect; the Patriots were losers who had never won anything.

Then, a couple of things happened. Walt Coleman created a Patriots Dynasty. The Red Sox came back from a 4-0 deficit to beat the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS and went on to win their first World Series since 1918. And now the Celtics got Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen and have the best record in the NBA. It's quite conceivable that Boston could have all three major sports championships, which would be not only impressive but downright fucking irritating to the rest of the country. With all of this success, Simmons' Boston columns went from being anxious rants to obnoxious, gloating rants. And I don't blame him, I just don't enjoy reading them.

The 86 Celtics vs. 2007 Pats is the perfect example of this new, arrogant Boston Sports Guy. First of all, nobody outside of New England remembers anything about that 1986 Celtics team, except maybe that Len Bias died, and because of him black kids get sent to jail for longer terms over crack than white businessmen get sent to jail for having the same amount of cocaine powder. He writes that the defending champion Lakers team allowed themselves to be be "'shocked' by the upstart Rockets -- with Sampson making the series-winning shot in Game 5 at Los Angeles -- to avoid what would have been a ritual beating by an unstoppable Celtics team." This is a bunch of crap. That Lakers team would rebound the following and beat the Celtics, and then repeat in 1988 for the first back-to-back NBA Championship in 20 years. Sure, people remember the 80s as the golden age of the NBA, and Lakers vs. Celtics was the main reason. But outside of New England, only racist white people rooted for the Celtics. And no matter what anyone from Boston tells you, that is the absolute truth. One summer in 1988, my friends and I were playing ball down at the local school yard. We were like 13 or 14 and there was this older man, probably in his mid-forties, and his son, who was 19 or twenty. We played with them because we need two to make it four on four, enough for a full court game on the short courts. When the older guy asked what team we were, I said the Lakers, and he said, "The Lakers are a bunch of Niggers. You want to root for white people. Be the Celtics." His son was kinda embarrassed, I think, because when we were talking later he said, "I like McHale, but I bet you'd rather be Worthy..."

Besides, it was Magic who joined Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky on the cover of Sports Illustrated under the headline "They Dominated the Eighties."

Now, this Patriots is dominant. And they're probably good enough not be beyond Jinxing by Bill Simmons' column. But if you were going to write a column comparing a dominant team in one sport to a dominant team in another, wouldn't it be the 1996 Bulls team that won 70 games and had All Stars up and down the roster? Brady and Moss compare better to MJ and Scottie Pippen, with Rodney Harrisons' Punk Ass analogous to Dennis Rodman's Punk Ass. I'm just saying.

Anyway, in what is either a blatant ripoff of one of my favorite writers, or, if you're generous, an homage to someone I admire, here's an email I got from the Professor the other day that will segue into my picks:

Subject: Your Daughter and Your Dog are Disgusting

Lily pooped in her panties, which I noticed after she came into the kitchen and told me "poop!" She had a big old saggy load. I pulled off her panties right there in the kitchen and the turd log fell out onto the floor in front of the fridge. I took her into the bathroom to wipe and wash hands. In the meantime, Iggy smelled a tasty treat and hopped out of bed to go have himself a snack. By the time I turned around, he'd eaten half of Lily's turd. I yelled at him to quit it and he ran away, but it was like he had peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth that he kept trying to swallow but couldn't. He's outside now, washing his mouth out with soap. Fucking disgusting.

I'm running away from home today. You can raise these two yourself.

I should point out that we're potty training, which is why Baby Lily was not wearing a diaper. But the reason this email is relevant is because having to choose between the Patriots and the Chargers is akin to having poop stuck to the roof of my mouth like peanut butter. I can't think of two teams I hate more (I hate Denver and Kansas City as much). Anyway, I think New England wins but it's closer than everyone expects. 27-20.

Green Bay wins. I have to go. This has gone on too long and people are becoming exasperated with me.

John's Picks

I'm looking forward to this weekend's games. On Saturday, I'll be watching the games with my attorney. Not because I've been arrested or sued or anything, but the Professor owes me a boys day out, and I'm going to take advantage. I expect there will be many frosty beverages consumed, along with a fair amount of unhealthy, delicious foods.

Seattle at Green Bay. I know everyone brings this up, but remember a couple/three years when the game went to overtime, and Seattle won the toss, and Matt Hasselbeck said, "We want the ball, and we're gonna score!" and then he threw an INT that got returned for a Touchdown? What a douchebag. Add his douche-iness to the fact that Shaun Alexander will sitting on the sidelines nursing his sore vagina, and the Packers romp, 34-21.

In the night game, the Patriots play the Jaguars. A lot is being said about the Jaguars' running game, and how it will keep the Pats off the field. And it could. But they're not going to hit Tom Brady like they hit Big Ben last week. I hate to say it but the Patriots are going to win by a lot of points. Probably like 38-17. That's 21 points.

As for Sunday's games, I will be watching them at the hoose with my good friend Chris from the Daily Chuppler. He hearts beer as much as I do, so that could be fun.

Norv's Dischargers are getting straight smoked in Indy. I think this will be the most lopsided game of the weekend. In the past, I'd never found San Diego to be as offensive as Denver or Kansas City. Philip Rivers is a jagoff. And if I hear one more person tell me how classy Ladanian Tomlinson is, I may lose control of my bowels. Would someone with class steal Lawrence Taylor's nickname as if he #56 from the Giants had never existed? Of course not. I don't need to read this off of a teleprompter:

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Colts win 57-0.

Cowboys vs. Giants. This is the best matchup of the weekend. I'm excited for this game. Dallas has won both of the earlier matchups, but since playing New England on the last game of the season, the Giants are hot. They destroyed Goldmember last week. As for Tony Romo, I know the Professor is pumped up for this game. What I want to know is, what's up with Terry Bradshaw hopping on the T.O. Cock Blocker bandwagon? And I don't care that if Bill Parcells was the coach last year, he'd have never gone down to Mexico like that. I personally think Parcells is overrated. He had the Real LT (OGLT?). Anyway, I like NY's chances, but I still think Dallas squeaks this game out, maybe even in OT, in a pretty high scoring, exciting game. 31-29, Cowboys.

Sllaacs Divisional Picks

Via email this morning, with the heading "Playoffs:"

So here we are, second weekend of the playoffs. With no further ado:

Of course I'm taking Green Bay over Seattle, like I said last week: Seattle sucks. 35-34 G.B.

New England @ Jacksonville. Ugh... I do not like the Patsy's. 42 - 10 New England.

Indy vs. San Diego - Indy is the last real chance for the Patsy's to be stopped. Colts over the Chargers 28-17.

Dallas vs. Giants should be the best matchup of the weekend. I actually want to see Eli do well; hell he has done well - this will be his third straight season in the playoffs. Maybe Eli is better than I think. The Giants do have that super D - rush, and T.O. is supposed to be ailing. Anyhow, I will go with what should always be the most hated team in sports: the Dallas Cowboys, 30-16.

Year of the Tiger:

Sousa is guilty of taunting that Tiger - I was born in the Year of the Tiger - and he got a little more than what he deserved. To see some examples of the "Wild" getting revenge against Humans, download "When Animals Attack" and you will see some us get our come-uppance from the animals that we captured and then gawked at like idiots. The saddest part of the whole thing is that the Tiger did not deserve to go out like that, at the hands of a police firing squad, and all because some idiot Raiders fans had to go sling-shotting the captive animal.

Mrs. Sousa (seriously, no relation; please stop asking) says the Dhaliwal brothers told her they didn't sling-shot the tiger.

John's Picks

I got an email from my attorney, Nappy McBigtoe, threatening to renounce baseball after Billy Beane traded Nick Swisher yesterday. To quote my mother-in-law, "God Damn It." That pretty much sums up the feeling today for those of us who root for McAfee Coliseum's other team.

Anyway, Sllaacs, also a huge A's fan (weird thing about the Bay Area that there a lot of A's/Niners fans and Giants/Raiders fans), is trying to talk me out of it, but I'm also thinking of Renouncing Baseball.

Anyway, this weeks picks:

The Giants beat Tampa Bay, which will expedite the hiring of Raheem Morris as the Raiders new defensive coordinator. (UPDATE: Or not.)

Seattle beats Washington. They just don't lose at home, even if they had to pay Texas A&M when they ripped off the "12th Man."

Even though they're a different species of big ass cat, the Steelers are about to get roy'd at home this weekend. I saw what that defense did against the JaMarcus Russell and the Raiders juggernaut...er...anyway, they're really good. So is the Jaguars running game. You can read that anywhere. Even Nancy Gay agrees they can run the ball.

Finally, Norv and the Dischargers vs. the Titans. Let's just say I hope Albert Haynesworth steps on Philip Rivers' head with his cleats, cutting that smug smirk off right off of it. I really hate them now. But they probably win this week, considering they're most likely going to face Kerry Collins.

Playoffs!? Sllaacs Picks Every Game

Got an email this morning from Sllaacs:

So it's playoff time, my squad - the San Francisco Shay-Heezies are home watching - I would think. I mean, those losers should be watching players who have experienced success in order to motivate thier asses to improve in the off season. At least the Niners are a young team, if no longer a Bryant Young team.

Playoff picks:

I'm picking Washington to go into Seattle and beat the Seahawks asses, 20-6. Because Seattle sucks.

Jacksonville at Pitt looks like a good matchup. I will take the Steelers at home 35-17.

N.Y. Giants vs the Tampa Bay Garcias. Of course I'm taking Gruden and Goldmember at home against Eli; the Manning who sucks. 24 - 17 Bucs.

It would be nice to see Tennessee beat the Chargers, but it won't happen. San Diego will win easily 30 - 16.

As for the recently completed S.F. Forty-Niners season:

The defense played well overall with a few standouts - Patick Willis, of course resembled a young Ray Lewis while leading the NFL in tackles. Nate Clements lived up to his hype, and Bryant Young polished off a career as one of the best interior D-linemen in NFL history.

The offense... They were hurt by the loss of Norv Turner as OC - no doubt. Rookie Joe Staley started all 16 games (acquired last year from the Patriots for this years #1 pick). Gore managed 1100 rushing yards. The punter punted 105 times. 105 punts, in one season. Uno-Cero-Cinco. Cientocinco. 4,968 punt yards. Think about that Raider fan. Revel in it; laugh out loud about it. The Niners used four quarterbacks to start games this year, including the great Chris Weinke - rhymes with 'stinky'.

The Niners still won more games than your team did. If you look at the scores in some of the losses, a true fan could even rationalize that with a competent QB all year 7 wins could have easily happened. I point will point out three winnable games: vs. Baltimore 9-7, vs. ATL 20-16, and losing to the fucking Rams in S.F. 13-9. Dante Culpepper could have won those games for the Niners.

Alex Smith gets a Mulligan; he got hurt on national television for all to see, he said he was hurt, threw like he was hurt, had surgery like he was hurt. QB competion in camp is welcome. This Niner fan will just see what happens, eat my cheese, drink my wine and see what the first four games of next season brings. Then I will choose a proper emotion.


Sllaacs

John's Picks

I was at Trader Joe's today with the Professor and Baby Lily, the one in Westlake, Daly City.
I get of the car, I have the baby on my shoulders, and some asshole sees my Raiders hoodie and actually yelled "BRONCOS!"

For real? You bet. I actually turned around and asked him that. "Really?" And then I just laughed, because it was so absurd. Since I live on this side of the bay, I expect and am used to a fair amount of harassment from 49ers fans. That's perfectly acceptable, since I live less than two miles from Candlestick, and it is after all San Francisco.

But "BRONCOS!?" I hope that guy gets botulism.

Onto the picks. I'm hoping to see most of the game tonight despite going to dinner with my sister-in-law and nephew for his birthday. They're not football fans so they plan these things without regard for the schedule. Anyway, I'm thinking it should be a pretty good game, and that the Giants will play everyone at least a half. Their pass rush should match up pretty well with Brady and them. But still, NE wins by a lot.

Well, Shay-heezy is jacked up. Fractured the transverse processes in three vertebrae. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what the hell that means, but I'm guessing when the words "fracture" and "vertebrae" appear in the same sentence it's not good. Those words appeared in a sentence about Christopher Reeve once. It was all bad. Even worse, Chris Weinke is getting the start. Niners lose, by a lot.

And now JaMarcus meets Norv and the HGH dis-Chargers crew. 2-0 against the AFC West the 2nd time around for Lane Kiffin. Let's make it 3-0. Maybe bring in Pops Kiffin to run the D next year.

I'm in.

Holiday Hangover: Sllaacs' Week 17 Picks.

Santa was very good to me this year. I got an awesome Raiders hoodie, and a Kirk Morrison #52 home black jersey. I'm excited to wear it this weekend during the game, whether I'm watching on TV or at the coliseum.

I'm not sure how I feel about what happened on Sunday. The only word that comes to mind is the one I used then, which is "debacle." It's good that JaMarcus got his nose bloodied. He'll learn from how horribly he played. I like Zach Miller caught Jammy's first TD pass, though. That's going to be a combo for a long time.

Immediately after the game, I went out to buy some groceries for our holiday festivities. I was listening to the Raiders post-game show. When I came out of the store, there was a program on called "The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Show." I guess he's an English Rabbi, judging by his name and his accent. Anyway, his theory was that "God is a Conversative, and Santa Claus is a Liberal." He wanted his callers to discuss. So a guy called in and said, "You're right, because God created the world in 7 Days (sic), and Santa tries to do everything in one night." I got through the good Rabbi actually saying the words, "I guess that's a valid argument..." before changing the channel over to some classic rock.

This is so stupid in so many ways, I don't even know where to begin. Just don't let me hear one more word about secular liberals having a "war on Christmas."

Anyway, after this nice little holiday wrap up, here's Sllaacs' picks for this final week, via email:

Got to say, Dan was right about the Green Bay - Chicago rivalry. The Black and Blue is still the division with the toughest (i.e., Competitiveness + Inclement weather) divisional games in the league. Got ta needle ya though Danny; Your "test" game was right on the money - 49-11 and basically is a microcosm of the entire season. Good call. Seriously. You called it before the game; 'This is a test for the Raiders' - I am paraphrasing. I interpret the final result of the Oak vs Jack game as a failed exam and a harbinger of what is to come in 2008. What do you infer from the outcome of the "test" game?

Poor Raider fan - all your hopes for next season rest on J. Russell making a good or acceptable appearance in the last game of this season. Welcome to the world of the Niner fan for the past two off-seasons - now let's make it three. What do you say Johnnie Boy? Those Russell stats look suspiciously like Alex Smith stats. San Diego has nothing to play for, but L.T. has a habit of putting two game's worth of rushing yards into a half against the Raiders, so even if the starters only play the first half, San Diego might blow this thing open with their first three drives of the game. I'm going to pick Oakland however, since they are at home, and they actually have a reason to play for a win. 20 - 16 - The Raiders.

The Niners should lose to Cleveland. They should - there is no good reason to think that the Browns would lose this game at the Dawg Pound, even if it will take a Titans win over the Colts to keep them out of the Playoffs. Except for the following: Mike Nolan is 6 - 2 in his coaching career over the last three games of the regular season. Also - Shay - Heezy iz tha Hiz-nouse. Cleveland wins - 28 - 17.

So for my third game, I will pick the Cardinals over the Rams... Yeah, right. We'll go with the Patsy's at the Giants. As an NFC fan, I would love to see the hated New York football Giants roll the Patriots and ruin the run for perfection, thereby allowing the stupid Dolphins old-timers to continue to have a reason to live and make the AFC look like collective assholes for continuing to have to hear from these dinosaurs. The Giants are in the playoffs, and offer an awesome pass Rush.

Nice year for us Bay Area Football fans. Nice last couple ofyears. I'd like to thank Al Davis and the Yorks for making all of us fans reminisce about the good old days of Joe Montana, Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Rich Gannon, Jeff Hostettler, and Tim Brown, among a legion of others. Those were the days when we could score. A friggin'. Touchdown.

Sllaacs

Merry Belated Xmas, people. Hope it was a good one.