Manning to Colston - TOUCHDOWN!!

So yeah, in my Fantasy League I have Eli Manning as my QB and Marques Colston as my #1 receiver, so in fantasy terms aren't I technically correct in pretending that Eli tosses those fantasy passes to Colston in the weekly matchup? No...? Well, it's my first year.

So the picks:

San Franciso @ Minnesota
The Vikings got the run stopping Williams Wall, and the Niners will pound it, pound it, pound it. Have to go with the Vikes at home though, with Brett Favre the Game Manager continuing to victimize the 49ers, as he has done over most of his career. Vikings 23-13 over the Niners.

Denver @ Oakland
Pretty easy here: Denver looks decent, Oakland looks lucky to be 1 and 1. JaMarcus looks worse that Alex Smith ever did, whil Denver messed off a franchise QB in Jay Cutler during the offseason, and still got a decent QB in return (Kyle Orton). The Raiders cut a decent QB in Jeff Garcia and have no options other than JaMarcus who is most kindly described these days as "raw". Denver should roll by 2 TD's at least. With that in mind, I choose Oakland to somehow get the victory. There is some attractiveness in that scrappy defense and the young QB who looks horrible for most of a game but can make big throws at the end. Raiders over the Broncos 18-17.

Tennessee @ New York Jets
I like Sanchez. The Jet fans probably love him. Tennessee is bad - NYJ is bad, but at least the Jets have Sanchez. Jets over Titans 28-16.

Miami @ San Diego
Go Wildcat, it's your birthday... Miami is also stuffing the run this year, besides thier Wildcat hi jinks. LaDainian is hobbled and Merriman is hurting, but they will probably be out here for this home loss to the Dolphins. Miami Dolphins over San Diego Padres... er, Chargers, 24-9.

Sllaacs' Ballers are 2-0. Sousa's lame-ass squad is 1-1. What's lame-er, is that our teams don't play each other during the regular fantasy season. You'll have to make the playoffs to get rolled by the Ballers, Sousa - I'd say good luck, though you won't need it with this weeks opponent.

Sllaacs

Gannon on JaMarcus

Per Jerry Mac's Transcript of Rich's appearance this morning on Murph and Mac:

– “The thing that concerns me about (JaMarcus Russell), well a couple of things. First, his growth has been retarded some from the fact that he’s had three different play-callers this year in Lane Kiffin, Greg Knapp and now Tom Cable. I think that was a mistake. I think you can see obviously he’s fallen off in terms of his production and consistency.

“The other thing that concerns me is when the coach comes out and says that the guy needs to . . . come to work every day and do the work it takes to be successful. To me, that’s mind-boggling, how, in this day and age, whether it be a coordinator or a position coach or a head coach, wouldn’t demand that the guy come in on Tuesdays and do the work.

“And then to make the comment a couple of weeks ago, now we’re going to make him learn how to be a pro, well, what were they doing the first year and a half they had him?”

– “If your quarterback is not the hardest working guy in the building, you have a problem. I don’t know that he’s quite there yet, and that’s not a shot at him. I think you learn to do that, you learn to be that type of guy. If you’re not the first one in and the last to leave, as an owner, or as a head coach or as a play-caller, I’d be very concerned.”

I don't remember the comments about Jammy needing to "come to work every day and do the work it takes to be successful. Unless he's talking about missing the meeting with Collinsworth and the NFL Network.

I remember before Norv was fired thinking Gannon might make a good head coach. Kerry Collins had his best games with Gannon talking into his headset. Or maybe he could be that "bridge" that was talked, that I thought T. Brown might be good at.

Killion: Raiders Busting JaMarcus

Ann Killion has a good column today about the JaMarcus-is-a-bust talk that seems to be all the rage right now.

The consensus seems to favor Sllaacs' now-prescient JASR post from last month.

Holiday Toy Drive

You know how the Raiders always have U.S. Marines at the entrance to the Coliseum, collecting unwrapped toys for "Toys for Tots" program?

Well, the San Francisco Firefighters have taken this idea to a whole new level, and teamed up with the Gold Club and other fine establishments for a Holiday Toy Drive of their own.

So, to recap:

Raiders + Marine Corps Reserve = Toys for Tots.

SF Firefighters + Gold Club = Toys for Twats.

Detroit is Better than the Raiders, WTF?

Look, the CLOAK knows the Raiders suck. Okay? If you could see my iPhone right now, you'd see a poem of despair written in text messages between Dan and Me.

But some guy named Tim Parent wrote an article on the Bleacher Report arguing that the Detroit Lions, currently 0-13, are a better team than the Raiders.

He admits that while his argument is stupid, because the Raiders have 3 games to the Lions 0, that nevertheless you can deduce the Lions are the better because the gain more yards, score more points, and, well, let's let Mr. Parent tell it in his own words:

Let's put the numbers aside and level the playing field with the one game element that can not be calculated using statistics—heart. It's the one thing every NFL team must have in order for all of this to mean something. If you're missing that, don't even bother showing up.

This is where Detroit manhandles Oakland.

His evidence? Rudi Johnson's blog on the team website (which Parent neglects to link to, so I had to look it up myself), where it was transcribed, "But now, it’s like crunch time when we run out of options and run out of time now. So we have to make something happen like right now and teams aren’t letting us do that the easy way." Actually, Parent paraphrases this.

Look, as a Raiders fan, I'm embarrassed that the Raiders at the end of their 6th straight season with at least 10 losses. It's unacceptable that the team of Ken Stabler, Jim Otto, John Madden, Jim Plunket, Fred Belitnikoff, Howie Long, etc etc etc is now mentioned in the same breath with a team like the Detroit Lions, who have none of that history despite being almost 30 years older than the Raiders as a franchise.

But Parent's argument is just plain retarded.

Also, ask yourself, if, as the parent of a young child, you saw some asshole dressed like he's dressed, and doing what he's doing, on your child's playground.

I mean, it's not that complicated. I bet even Al Davis could figure that one out.

PETA: Hater of the Week

From the class act that brought you this ad comes the news that the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum is the second most vegetarian-friendly stadium in the NFL.

Assistant Head PETA Douchebag Dan Shannon made a pithy reference to the Raiders' recent on-field woes in his announcement, saying, "Raiders fans have enough to worry about-they don't need to be thinking about the clogged arteries and cruelty to animals that come with eating meat."

I don't know whether to be offended or glad that San Diego beat us to #1. Maybe PETA, whose members seem to have never met a Mexican nor heard of lard, can put one of these billboards somewhere between Quallcom Stadium and the US/Mexico Border.

Kawakami Rips off Sllaacs, Makes Me Physically Ill

Tim Kawakami has an extended blog post on the similarities between JaMarcus Russell and Alex Smith. About a month after Sllaacs started calling him JaAlex SmiRussell, or JASR for short.

What makes me so physically ill about the Kawakami post is that I'm terrified he might be right. And that's also why I'm endorsing the idea floated by Cam Inman in his column the other night. Sit him down until you have a coach who can work with him, and a line that can block for him, and some wide receivers who can catch the goddam ball.

Nnamdi is Frustrated.

Permanent CLOAK man-crush Nnamdi Asomugha had nothing nice to say after last night's game, as related by Jerry Mac:

"We're not close, and it's clear that we're not close. We don't play good football, we don't play sound football, we've been undisciplined,'' Asomugha said, measuring every word. "We wonder why we don't get prime time games and this is why.

"We were on Monday night against Denver and we got blown out. Now we come here and we got blown out. You just wonder how many people care and how many people are upset . . . we were all over the place and it's stuff you guys don't even know. Just blown assignments, blown coverages . . . that's where we are right now. We're not close.''

The only guy I can remember speaking out like this after getting debacled is Tim Brown, during the Bugel Era. The Raiders managed to keep him, and go on a five-year run of respectability ending in three division titles and a Super Bowl appearance. I'm not hopeful that can be repeated.

Inman: Put JaMarcus on Ice

Cam Inman's post-game column on Jamarcus makes a lot of sense to me.

Figure this shit out, Al. Please.

I mean, Wow.

So JaMarcus throws an interception, and Zach Miller damn near gets Clifton'd, and JaMarcus leaves the field on a cart.

Good times. 

Just when I'm thinking of turning off the TV and doing something productive with my evening, Justin Miller takes it to the house. 

Tonight's Game

You heard it here first: Tom Cable is rumored to be the leading candidate for the head coach opening at THE Ohio College of Clowning Arts.

Hopefully, they won't have to siphon cash from their tiny car fuel budget to pay him, the way Tennessee is having cut the heat off in their buildings to pay Lance.

I'm back to despairing the Raiders. Yes, I'm going to watch the game, but I don't plan on enjoying it. Norv's Chargers are probably going to roll us tonight, 27-3.

Can't wait to see Seabass lined up in the Wildcat.

Fat Kicker Toss: WTF?!

Here's a round-up of reactions to what will now be known as "Fat Kicker Toss:"

We'll start with Kawakami, since he's the one who coined "Fat Kicker Toss." He calls Cable an "amateur" and compares the interim coach's soon-to-be-brief tenure to the Gong Show.

Lowell Cohn: Nice knowing you, Coach.

Jerry Mac: No excuse.

Ratto: "I mean, in what universe does a play that relies on an 17-yard scamper by Janikowski make sense?"

Jason Jones: It wasn't the drunkenness; you saw that.

Gutierrrez: Silly? Dumb? Nah. It's the Raiders.

Peterson: Cable's mad, not a genius.

I'm sure there are more out there, but I'm kind of sick to my stomach after reading the above-linked pieces.

This One's on Cable.

This game came down to two plays: the fake field goal and the 4th-and-3. You get 6 points out of those plays and the game is over. I mean, what a bunch of crap.

By the way, I hate the Raiders right now. Last week, I expected them to get blown out, and what happens? They put up a 31-10 beat down in Denver. I get all excited, thinking to myself, "Hey, they may have turned a corner. Let's get some."

But then they go out and lose to crappiest team not named "Detroit" or "St. Louis."

And now, once again, the Raiders are losers.

Thanksgiving Hangover Picks

So, Lance gets a new job. Jerry breaks down the Tennessee rumors. That seems to me like a much higher profile position than I expected him to get. I was thinking more like a lower-tier Pac-10 job. Anyway, good luck with that, buddy. If you thought working with Al was weird, at least he doesn't have a Body Farm in Alameda. At least that we know of. By the way, Mary Roach wrote an excellent book called Stiff that gives the Body Farm its own chapter.

You know what? I'm feeling optimistic this week. I don't know if this has less to do with the Raiders thumping Denver last week or the fact the Chefs are really, really bad. But I think we win one this week, and match last year's win total a week earlier in the season. Raiders 34, Chiefs 17.

As my father in-law informed this evening at dinner, the Buffalo Bills have the biggest offensive line in the National Football League. "You know John, I got into an argument with that goddamned nephew of Adeline's, old Ron, when he tried to tell me Dallas had the biggest line in the league. I said, 'Bullshit, Ron. Buffalo's line averages 332." You know what, I looked that shit up, and he's right. 332.2, to be exact. Anyway, the 9ers pass rush is not that great. So Buffalo wins, 28-13.

The Packers got their asses whupped in New Orleans last Monday night. This week, at home against Carolina, I think they win. 24-19.

So, for the last game, I'm picking Denver to continue their suckage against the Jets this weekend. 48-14.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Road Blog: Javon Walker

On the road to LA for my lawyer's wedding. Heard about Javon, and it
made want to puke like my brother did out of the window of Kia after
he drank from a can of Diet Coke into which I had put a cigarette butt.

Sent from my iPhone

BARFF

Sllaacs and Dan have hit upon an interesting concept without a good acronym: The Bay Area Football Debacle. Dan suggests BAD, which is pretty good, but I miss the F. So here's an idea:

Bay Area Raiders Forty-Niners Football, or BARFF.

Seeing as the football being played on either side of the Bay makes fans of both teams want to Puke, the "debacle" part is implied in the acronym BARFF.

And, you can take BART to BARFF.

Oh, and since Sllaacs was thoughtful enough to give us Nancy Gay on Al emasculating Greg Knapp, he's Kawakami on the 49ers Monday Night Game:

Mike Martz took time out of his usual ignoring of the media on Tuesdays to reveal that he too thought the 49ers’ last play was from the 1/2-yard line. And Martz said he only figured out the 49ers were at the 3 1/2 when Mike Nolan called and told him so this morning.

PROBLEM: Hey Mike Martz and Mike Nolan… the ball actually was at the 2 1/2. Really. Go back and check. You got it wrong TWICE, star off-coor.

Once when it happened and you called the wrong play and then many hours later, after your former coach (favored coach?) called to tell you. Wrongly.

It was NOT at the 3 1/2 or the 1/2 or whatever half-witted thing you thought it was or still think it was or are arguing still that it was. It was at the 2 1/2-yard line. Please memorize that.

This is unbelievable. My head hurts at the 49ers’ incredible ability to not see things clearly, then argue with anybody who did see it clearly, then babble about it later.

Is there nobody up in that booth who can tell the difference between the 1/2-yard line and the 2 1/2?

Does Mike Nolan know what he’s talking about, even when he’s sitting on his couch?

Should he be calling Martz? Should Martz be saying that Nolan is the only guy “smart enough” to watch it on TV replay and call him… with the wrong info?

Geez. Jed York really has this ship cruising.

Ron Curry has Checked Out

Lowell Cohn has a post unlike anything I've ever read. Ronald Curry helped himself to the press room buffet before the game.

He was inactive.

The menu sounds gross.

Coop: Worse than Art Shell Year.

Jarrod Cooper is on Dan's favorite post-game show (by the way, the Raiders lost, although congrats to Seabass on breaking Blanda's record). He just said that he's in contact with a lot of guys in the locker room, and that what he's hearing is that it's worse than 2006, because at least then there was some consistency. Consistently bad, but it was consistent. When O'Donnell asked about the Harbaugh rumors, he said, sure, Harbaugh's a great coach, and Al Davis loves him, but Al loved Lance Kiffin when he hired him, too. If nothing else changes, Harbaugh doesn't stand a chance.

By the way, Kawakami thinks JaMarcus should tank along with the rest of the Raiders good players, and scoops Sllaacs by coining the phrase, "blown to alexsmithereens."

1st Quarter: Could Be Worse

Watching the Raiders intermittently on the RedZone Channel is funny. They cut away from the end of the exciting GB/Minn game to show Johnnie Lee Higgins fumble the opening kickoff. It took a surprisingly 1:36 seconds or so for the Panthers to score.

They next showed us Nmamdi's interception. We were then told that Walter threw it right back to the Panthers.

The next highlight they showed was of Tommy Kelly getting a face mask penalty. What was funny was Andrew Siciliano's narration. "We were told this week, after DeAngelo Hall was let go, that maybe Tommy Kelly would be next. Well, he's still here. And he's turning heads. For 15 yards, in fact."

Anyway. 7-0. Whatever.

Pre-Game Thoughts: Do I Even Care?

I'm not sure that I do, but we have a blog that needs to be updated, so let's give it a shot.

JaMarcus is not playing today. Andrew Walter is. Jerry Mac goes through a scenario in which Walter plays well, the Raiders win, and are then left to decide what happens next week in Miami with a (presumably) healthy JaMarcus. It's not pretty.

Nothing against Andrew Walter, but seeing him get killed, week after week, during the Art Shell regime, made me excited for the Raiders to draft JaMarcus in the first place.

I exchanged text messages with Dan, who is in Denver, and he asked, "If Walter plays, is that a good thing?" Honestly, I don't know. I guess we still have a shot at the playoffs, since every other team in our division sucks almost as much as we do. But for sure, the "JaMarcus is a bust" talk will accelerate. Even worse, the thoughtful birthday present my brother got me will land me on the front page of straightcashhomey.net.

One other thing. I was running to the store to get some beers for the game, which I will be watching incrementally on The Red Zone Channel. I was listening to Greg Papa and Tom Flores discussing the release of DeAngelo Hall, when Papa said, "One thing that people may not know about the Raiders, that we see every day on the inside, is that if you don't play well, you will not be here very long." That's a paraphrase.

Anyway, all I could think when I heard that was, really, Greg?

Really?

Sorry Dan, for bringing those guys up. Enjoy your trip.