Tuesday, October 30, 2007

You've Got to Be Kidding Me

It's Tuesday, so that must mean it's time for my dog to blasted by a skunk.

What the fuck? Does this little Pepe Le Pew motherfucker make his rounds of the backyards on this block? Tuesday night is blast-the-pinscher night?

Jesus Christ. I was under the sink, tightening the faucet because the Professor has been breaking my balls all week about it being loose. I start tightening it and my nostrils started stinging. At first I thought I'd stirred up some bad humors from the last time. But then I hear the dog spakking at the door.

It's not as bad this time, because the dog was blasted outside. But he ran straight up the stairwell, so the kitchen and office smell like mung.

Now Mike Shepherd can post a comment about how I plagiarized Wayne's World from 1990.

I was all set to blog about Mike Williams getting cut, Tommy Kelly being out for the season, Tim Dwight signing a contract, and Baby Lily's first big earthquake.

Fucking Skunks.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Picks: John is 2-1; Better than Dan and Sllaacs.

Looks like I was right about GoldMember and his former team. Maybe the scores weren't perfect, but they were closer than either Dan's or Sllaacs' picks.

At least the Broncos lost in overtime tonight. If the Raiders can't win, at least the Broncos can lose.

This weeks games are Raiders vs. Houston, 49ers at ATL, and Indy vs. the Pats. We'll let Sllaacs start it off on Wednesday. And why isn't that Pats/Colts game in prime time?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

At Quarterback, From LSU, JaMarcus Russell!

I think we're going to be hearing that from the public address announcer at a stadium near us pretty soon.

2-5. Just like we were at some point in the last four seasons.

But we have hope. Young coach, All-World Number One Draft Pick QB. Let's play them. Cut them loose.

Maya Is Stressed

Culpepper's erratic ways have her pretty nervous. Nice grab by Curry - he's got to be the go-to guy over the last 2 minutes.

The good news is the defense is really playing, save for that lapse against the run during the TD drive. These penalties are unreal. It seems as if Cable's group has regressed. And it was Mike Williams' laziness that wiped out a long 3rd-down conversion to Curry early in the game.

A beer sounds good. I'd better get one before the line commits another false start. D'oh! Too late!

Argh. Culpepper is driving me crazy.

Hair of the Dog

Now that I think I think about it, "Hair of the Dog" would have been a much cleverer title for the post with Dan's drunk dog.

I'm nursing a hangover, and wondering why our offense is not very effective. Penalties are one reason; not being very good is another. Or maybe one is the symptom of the other, like my flu-like symptoms are a symptom of me drinking too many beers last night.

And working on my third so far today.

Anyway, our defense was looking good until that last drive when we got gashed by Lendale White and Chris Henry.

But we're still in this, if Daunte can find a way to stay upright and Barry Sims can stop false-starting.

What Dan Thinks

As Lane Kiffin would say, "I'm in."

Tampa is going to beat Jacksonville 21-13. As I sat here trying to think of who in the world is starting at QB for the Jags, the separately-priced NFL Network said, "Quinn Gray." Who is Quinn Gray? Anyway, as much as I don't understand his handle, Sllaacs is right that the Raiders should have grabbed Garcia.

Brees vs. Gore. I spent much of Saturday agonizing over whether to give up on these Fantasy busts and save my season with a blockbuster trade. In the end I decided that keeping them would at least make the force-fed 1 pm game interesting enough to watch. Gore's "I miss Norv" whines will give him more touches but he can't help this overpriced defense stop a resurgent Saints. New Orleans wins, 27-20.

When they move the 49ers to Santa Clara will they change the name to the San Francisco Bay 49ers ala Tampa Bay? (Green Bay is an actual city).

And in the surprise pick of the week I'm going with the Raiders over the Titans, 24-21. Rob Bironas will go 0-for-2 on FGs and Michael Huff is going to score after forcing a turnover from his old pal Vince. The Raiders will find more room to run than everyone thinks, but it's going to be close after Daunte makes a bad decision early in the 4th quarter.

Friday, October 26, 2007

John's Picks

Let's play Sllaacs' little game of "My Three Picks."

I like Jacksonville over Tampa, 24-10. Maurice Jones-Drew rushes for 122 and 2 TDs, adding another 6 on special teams. This will also help my fantasy squad.

There's no way the 49ers are putting 21 points on anybody this year, unless against the Rams. Even with Alex Smith back, they're not getting it done. They miss Norv. The Saints continue their dominance over the NFC West with a 28-13 victory. The 49ers loan touchdown will come on defense.

As for the Raiders, we either get a gimpy Vince Young or Kerry Collins, fresh off lighting Houston. I agree with Matt Berry: there's no way Daunte doesn't have a better game against the Titans than Sage Rosenfels. No way. Our defense is playing better, too, although we miss Gerard Warren bad. Raiders win 31-20.

What does Dan think?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sllaacs Picks New Game; Still a Hater

After repeated emails, Sllaacs finally got back to me about the third game. I wrote to him, asking, "Did you pick a different game yet, nimrod?" Sllaacs reply:

Yeah. Tampa Bay over Jacksonville. 17-13. Jeff Garcia - Dissed the Raiders, remember?

I do remember. In fact, Jerry McDonald mentioned it in his blog the other day. I remember trading emails with Dan and his Unk about getting Goldmember. Unk wanted David Carr.

Pictures don't lie. Jeff Garcia loves Goooollllllldddd.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sllaacs is a Hater

Wow. 50 posts. A milestone greater than Joe Dimaggio's 52 game hitting streak, Cal Ripken's 2,632 straight games, and Britney Spears' weekly beaver shot.

To commemorate this acheivement, I'm adding a new feature where my friend Sllaacs picks three games each week and Dan and I try to beat him. I haven't discussed this with Dan yet, but hopefully he'll read the blog and add his picks. The rules are that Sllaacs always picks the Raiders and 49ers games, plus another game.

You may know Sllaacs from his insightful comments on previous blog posts.

So here's his email, in its entirety:
Let's do football picks. Post this, biiiiiyyyyyyyiiiiiitttttchhhh!

3 picks for the week.

49ers beat New Orleans 21 - 13.

Raiders get wiped off the football field after being smeared on it by the Titans and Vince Young - 28 - 10.

Colts over the Patriots - 35 - 31.

Let's see if you can come up with a better record, than me. Start this week-three games a week. I will always pick the niners and raiders games.

Dude your squad is going to get rolled. I'm like a football picking genius.
Sllaacs is a 49ers fan, and a huge Raider Hater. He's also a jackass, because as everyone knows, the Patriots don't play the Colts until November 4.

I'll publish my picks on those games another time. For now, I'll let Sllaacs enjoy himself as the focus of this historic, 50th CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY blog post, while he thinks up a different third game for us to pick.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Jay Cutler Murders his Mascot

Every time the Professor watches the Broncos she comments on how much Jay Cutler reminds her of Harlan Williams, only she calls him "7 Minute Abs."

He does look a lot like that guy. So here he is in "Half Baked," killing a diabetic horse.

Just Not Good Enough

Too many mistakes, and this team just isn't good enough to overcome them. Defenses are really stacking against the run and Culpepper isn't doing a whole lot to make them change their approach. Only two plays on one drive today won't cut it.

On the plus side, Michael Huff and Zach Miller had good games.

And my fantasy team is so bad that I'm starting Jerry Porter at WR. To kick a man while he's down, my opponent started Randy Moss and the Chiefs' D against me.

I suppose watching the Broncos get thrashed will at least partially offset our record-extending AFC West loss. And I've grown to dislike the Patsies so much that I'm rooting for Cleveland tonight just so Boston fans suffer.

Big Plays

After the Quiefs missed a field goal, Daunte unloads a huge one to JP, and then a play-action TD to Curry, which in addition to putting the Raiders up 7-6, gives me some much-needed fantasy points at the WR position.

Like Watching John Kerry Describe Paint Drying


Seriously, this game sucks. At the very least, CBS could give us Gunther Cunningham mic'd up, so we could hear him say, "Goddammit," "sonuvabitch," "Jesus Christ," and "Fuck Me."

Because if we learned anything from HBO's "Hard Knocks" this year, it's that Herm Edwards "DID A BAD JOB!!" and Gunther Cunningham likes to curse.

In a related note, Patrick Swayze starred in a movie called "Waking Up in Reno" in which he played a guy whose penis was named "Gunther." Incidentally, as we were watching "Hard Knocks" this summer, The Professor pointed out how much Gunther Cunningham reminded Billy Bob Thornton, who co-starrs with Swayze in "Waking Up in Reno."

Small World.


Maya is still crashed out by the fireplace and my head feels about like Ron Curry's after that first quarter grab.

Hopefully Culpepper's finding a rhythm. That was a pretty weak flea-flicker, though. And LaMont looks like he's not reading his blocks right today. But go Zach Miller! So far the defense looks like they've returned everyone from last year's team. Watching Asomugha work is good fun. It looks like the Chiefs are actually throwing in his direction. And Huff is creeping ever closer to that big play we've all been waiting to see.

I like the fourth down call given how well the defense is playing.

1st Quarter: Our Offense Sucks (3-0 Chefs)

Defense looks good, but our offense is awful. They look like they've been drinking with Maya.

Dan's Dog is Drunk

We celebrated Dan's boat racing victory yesterday. A good time was had by all, but especially by Maya.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Sex Panther

So the Professor is reading night-night stories to Baby Lily when I decide to head downstairs for a smoke. I bring the dog with me so he can have an evening constitutional in the backyard. He barrels down the stairs ahead of me, snarling. I figure he's after one of the neighborhood feral cats that the Professor has been feeding in the back yard.

I get down the stairs, into the garage, and start towards the door that leads to our little yard, and I smell the worst goddam smell I've ever smelt. Iggy--that's the dog--comes back inside foaming at the mouth and kind of hacking, making this sound like "spak" and I don't know what to do so I yell for the Professor to get her ass down here pronto.

"I think Iggy just got sprayed by a skunk," I say and she comes down and sure enough that's what it was.

The Professor, before she went to Yale, came from some solid Okie stock, so she called up her brother. "Ya need to git ya some incontinent wash," he tells her. His coon hounds have been skunked a time or two, and he has cases of that stuff laying around because his baby mama uses it.

I head down to Walgreens to get some peroxide and incontinent wash and as I walk in I hear the security guard say "What's that smell?" and a person answered "It smells like a skunk" and I thought "Oh, fuck, they're talking about ME." So I ask an employee if he has incontinent wash, only I said it like, "Do you have body wash for old people who are, like incontinent?" and that poor fucker had to walk me to the aisle it was on, and he was trying so hard to be polite and not just run away retching. The stuff was located near the Depends Undergarments and all they had was moist wipes with Aloe for incontinence.

So I got the peroxide and cut out of there as fast as I could.

I get home and park and the Professor has started stacking things up in the driveway so we can wash down the floor and walls of the garage with bleach. We got the formula from some hippie website I looked up while holding my breath, because now the whole goddam house smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Long story short, we scrubbed down the garage. We'll probably get home from work tomorrow and it still smell horrible.

But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except maybe on Marty Schottenheimer.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A Window into Kiffin's Mind

After watching Daunte basically piss away 7 points at the end of the half, perhaps we have a glimmer of understanding for why Kiffin stood by McCown for so long. Decision making among East Bay QBs appears to be hitting a low point this weekend.

The nice thing about it being 2007 is that halftime brings hope thanks to Kiffin's adjustments. Last year at this time my dog would be getting a long walk.

LaMont, Too

Jordan is making a surprise start, but so far our offense looks worse than our D.

I'm sorry I missed the first four weeks. This is giving me flashbacks to last year's Monday night opener, which I painfully watched in person.

Culpepper INT. Ouch.

Burgess Starts

But as the game gets rolling we are getting no pressure on Rivers and LT is running wild. Ugh. Gerard Warren is out.

Charles Woodson sure looked good for the Pack today. If only we were facing the Packers' running game...

The View from the Couch

With racing season over, today marks the first day I'm able to watch a full day of NFL football from the comfort of my own couch. As luck would have it, the 49ers are on a bye and the Raiders are away, so I get the Packers and Raiders. Perfect.

For the past two weekends I've been in Colorado, but if it weren't for the lack of oxygen I might have thought I was in San Francisco with all the whining about the home team. Besides the obvious complaints about Jim Bates' run defense, the "Mike Shanahan is no genius" chorus continues to grow. Even the Cutler pick is taking heat. With Leinart on the shelf but splitting time even when healthy, at least passing on them last year doesn't look so bad. Maybe Huff hasn't impressed but how would you feel if Derrick Gibson were preparing to cover Antonio Gates today?

Is it me, or is Jim Bates living off a 5-year-old reputation?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Norv Turner's Pregame Speech

I'm inspired.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Real LT

Ladanian Tomlinson is not LT.

Lawrence Taylor is LT. How come he hasn't shown up at Ladanian's house and cut his hummer in half with a power saw?

And speaking of Lawrence Taylor, if one more person refers to Shawne Merriman as "The Next Lawrence Taylor," I'm going to puke.

LT didn't need steroids or HGH. He was old school: Only cocaine and hookers for him.

Speaking of that, I hope he starts sending hookers to Ladanian's room before every game until he either stops calling himself "LT" or gets syphilis.

Whichever comes first.