Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Sex Panther

So the Professor is reading night-night stories to Baby Lily when I decide to head downstairs for a smoke. I bring the dog with me so he can have an evening constitutional in the backyard. He barrels down the stairs ahead of me, snarling. I figure he's after one of the neighborhood feral cats that the Professor has been feeding in the back yard.

I get down the stairs, into the garage, and start towards the door that leads to our little yard, and I smell the worst goddam smell I've ever smelt. Iggy--that's the dog--comes back inside foaming at the mouth and kind of hacking, making this sound like "spak" and I don't know what to do so I yell for the Professor to get her ass down here pronto.

"I think Iggy just got sprayed by a skunk," I say and she comes down and sure enough that's what it was.

The Professor, before she went to Yale, came from some solid Okie stock, so she called up her brother. "Ya need to git ya some incontinent wash," he tells her. His coon hounds have been skunked a time or two, and he has cases of that stuff laying around because his baby mama uses it.

I head down to Walgreens to get some peroxide and incontinent wash and as I walk in I hear the security guard say "What's that smell?" and a person answered "It smells like a skunk" and I thought "Oh, fuck, they're talking about ME." So I ask an employee if he has incontinent wash, only I said it like, "Do you have body wash for old people who are, like incontinent?" and that poor fucker had to walk me to the aisle it was on, and he was trying so hard to be polite and not just run away retching. The stuff was located near the Depends Undergarments and all they had was moist wipes with Aloe for incontinence.

So I got the peroxide and cut out of there as fast as I could.

I get home and park and the Professor has started stacking things up in the driveway so we can wash down the floor and walls of the garage with bleach. We got the formula from some hippie website I looked up while holding my breath, because now the whole goddam house smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Long story short, we scrubbed down the garage. We'll probably get home from work tomorrow and it still smell horrible.

But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except maybe on Marty Schottenheimer.

7 comments:

Sllaacs said...

Interesting take on the mundane. Good read.

John Sousa said...

What the hell is mundane about getting sprayed by a skunk in San Francisco?

Juliet & Juliet said...

An example of skunks and the mundane: I probably smelled like skunks during the winter of my junior year of college because I was kind of living in a slum house in Live Oak where a crazed rabies skunk was also living (underneath the house) and preying on rats (that lived in the kitchen). That's probably a mundane skunk story because it is a typical college story set in a typical shitty housing situation. I guess that's my point. I hope you don't smell like skunks ever again.

RĂ©mi said...

Brilliant. And with that simile about Bigfoot's dick, I think you'll expand your fan base to include at least one senator.

dmshepherd said...

john-john totally ripped off that bigfoot line from the outtakes of Anchorman. Have you no shame man?

John Sousa said...

That was in the full on unrated version...and since I titled the post "Sex Panther" I figured people would understand that I was practicing what the French refer to as "Homage." What exactly do they teach you at Columbia?

Chris said...

Hey Johnny Preacher Nun -
Love the story. Our Dobie (Marz) had a run in with a skunk in the yard last year and got full on skunk-ass-stinktasered for his trouble. Worst smell we could've imagined. Luckily, Michelle's dad is an outdoorsy wunderkind and he recommended a concoction of 1/2 Downy and 1/2 warm water. We washed down the dog and luckily, it only took a couple of days to get the smell completely out of our nostrils. To this day, however, I can't smell Downly Lavendar whateverhthehellitwas scent without throwing up a little in the back of my mouth.

Good times...

PS to this lovely tale - Michelle found a chunk of skunk ass (small piece of flesh, large piece of fur) in the yard a couple of days after the incident. Moreover, he's tangled with skunks since then and has been slowly improving his technique...