Happy Thanksgiving and "Throwbacks"

Ray Ratto is just being funny, and he does a good job, when he says the Raiders should rock their "Oakland Señores" look on opening night against the Chargers for the AFL 50th anniversary celebration. Besides, everyone knows the Raiders wear throwbacks every time out, since 1963.

But check it out.

The first game of this AFL double header is the Patriots vs. the Bills. And according to Reiss's Pieces (clever name, douche), the Pats are wearing replicas of their 1963 uniforms.

Yeah, so fine, apparently they advanced to the AFL title game that year (who knew Walt Coleman has been a ref that long?). But I still think it's an interesting coincidence that the Raiders are also wearing their 1963 uniforms, as they have pretty much since Al Davis took over the team.

Also, the Raiders are playing at Dallas on Thanksgiving Day. My favorite Holiday just got better.

Next Generation Hate

The Broncos have hired Shanahan's heir, and he is Josh McDaniels, 32-year-old prodigy from the hated New England Patriots and an A-list coaching candidate if ever there was one. As the Patsy's offensive coordinator he was responsible for a huge number of points being scored, many of those in the first quarter of their game against the Raiders this year.

So who is rumored to be defensive coordinator? Mike Nolan, the suit.

I commemorate this moment by blogging via Firefox for the first, but not last, time.

Go Dolphins

The Patriots are the 2nd team to win 11 games and miss the playoffs, ever.

Couldn't happen to a better team.

A word about JASR - And then the picks.

Now that the Main Stream Media have made the connection, I would like to reinforce my own stance on JaAlex SmiRussell - or JASR, for short. Sllaacs feels no satisfaction in this, only a slight vindication, for Alex Smith.

Alex Smith has been correctly labelled a BUST, but that label should have an asterisk, that says: "The San Francisco Forty-Niners totally messed up this kids' career, see 'Nolan, Mike' for further details."

The same can be said JASR - he is a victim of a crummy owner, coaching staff and team, and much like Alex Smith - he is no Archie Manning. He needs some semblance of a coaching staff and supporting cast on his team for him to succeed. There is nothing wrong with JASR physically; he can make all the plays, but he must be properly guided in how to be a QB. In the old days, JASR and Alex Smith would have sat the bench for at least one full season and carried a clipboard while a veteran QB showed him how it was done. The success of Peyton Manning and a few other great QB's coming right in and starting, along with media pressure due to the Number One Overall Pick status of both JaMarcus and Alex, led two weak ownership's to rush the young players into games, before any kind of team stability or structure had been achieved. When I see JASR, I just feel sad, and I feel a slight vindication for Alex, because the same thing that happened to him, has happened to JASR. Now, all the Raiders fans need is for Cable to call JASR a pussy and JASR to go into a game and injure himself further. Then he and Alex will be damn-near twins. The Ebony and Ivory Quarterbacks, underneath the heading: Ruined #1 Overall Picks by Bay Area NFL teams.

What should irk Raiders fans the most: Didn't Big Al take at least one look across the Bay over the last 4 years and get a smidgen of an idea of the horrible job Nolan and the Yorks were doing with Alex Smith? Guess not, since he's doing nearly the exact same thing with JASR. Or at least, allowing it to happen.

Picks:

San Franciso @ Miami:

The Dolphins are good. Better than Buffalo? Yes. Better than the Bretts? I don't know. Better than the Forty-Niners? The Mike Singletary-led Forty-Niners? Probably. But I am going to go with my squad this week, hoping not to jinx them. They went to New York and won, so I will pick the Forty-Niners to go into Florida now and come back with another win. San Francisco over the Dolphins 17-10.

New England @ Oakland:

The Raiders will lose this one. Why, you might ask, am I so sure? Because the Raiders are Blue Shit Water, that's why. But more than that, the Raider ALWAYS FOLD IN BIG GAMES. And this is a big game - for Randy Moss. He wants to come in and go off on the Raiders. And he will. Nmandi is quite the baller, and even if he does shut down Moss, Randy will be leaving with the win and the thought that success in the playoffs is a realistic goal. New England over the Raiders, 38-22.

Green Bay @ Jacksonville:

Who would have thought, after week 8 that the Niners would be challenging the Packers for "Better Record". Quite the tumble for the Cheese Heads. They went from: "We Need Favre!" to: "We got Rodgers!" to: "Who are we gonna draft next year?"  Expect the Packers to keep losing. The Jacksonville Jaguars will beat Green Bay 23-16, in a "Depresser".

N.Y. Giants @ Dallas:

This is the only compelling game of the week, in Sllaacs opinion. Should be a good game, with N.Y. having the shine slapped off their asses by McNabb and Co. and Pittsburgh callin' it a comeback against Dallas last week, even though they been here for years, rocking their peers, putting suckers in fear - making their tears rain down like a mon-soon... But I digress, (Go L.L, go L.L!). N.Y. will slap down Romo and T.O. Giants over Cowboys, 27-17.

"...don't ever compare me to rest who are all being sliced and diced..."

P.S.  You gotta love LL Cool J.  "Momma said knock you out", but she also said "Todd, take out the garbage."

Sllaacs

God Hates Me.

Here I am, happily perusing ESPN, when they have this bracket-style face off of "Coldest Sports Moments."

Of course you know what's coming at #6.

I can't even bring myself to vote for it, because the choice is a grammatically incorrect "Which was the besst cold sports moment?" Because, since you're only allowed to choose between two moments, it should say, "Which is the better cold sports moment."

Anyway, you know #6 is the worst cold sports moment, or any type of sports moment, for that matter, in the history of all possible sports moments.

I will now go about the rest of my day in an even shittier mood than would have otherwise.

Don't Call it a Comeback: John's Picks

Now that my colon is no longer a semi-colon, I'm coming back to rock the picks. We haven't tallied up a score in a while, and I think dobolina is off being a new dad or something, so it will just be me vs. Dan vs. Sllaacs. We'll get a new score after this weekend.

Okay, party people.

So. The Tom Cable Era begins. Yes, the press conferences may be bland. I don't give a good Gosh Darn It, as long as the product on the field isn't dull. Or shit, go ahead and be dull, just win a goddam football game, okay? I think the Saints are a better team, and should win the game at home in the dome. But it's also a homecoming of sorts for JaMarcus, who dominated in his last appearance there, in 2007 Sugar Bowl. So, the Aints win, 27-24.

Rush Limbaugh's favorite quarterback also happens to be my fantasy QB. I didn't pick him out of a "social concern," in fact the auto-draft did it for me. I was quite happy with him for the first three weeks of the season. Now, he promises to bring it. And since Chris Dennebaum--the biggest Philly Phanatic I know--is getting married this Sunday, I think the Iggles join the rest of the Philly sports renaissance going on right now. JTO may throw for 300 and 3 TDs, but so does Donovan. 35-28 Eagles.

Seattle sucks. I mean, they really, really suck. They Art Shell Suck. They suck so bad, Walt Coleman's mother called up Paul Allen and asked if she could audit some team meetings and improve her deep throat technique. I mean, they're not as bad as the Lions or the Rams, but they still suck. Green Bay 37-6.

In a rematch of last year's AFC Championship game, I think the Patriots will beat the Chargers. They're not that great. They almost lost to us. The Chargers don't look like they can score points to me. So there. 18-14 San Diego.

Sllaacs' Mom Provoked My CyberStalker; Picks.

I'm still pretty sure that the guy trying to get his flame war on me is my brother, who didn't know who Lance Kiffin was. Although, when I read it out loud to him, he laughed and said he didn't write it but wished he had. Still, he's the only one who so lovingly calls me "DickFace."

I feel like I need to mention Bill Simmons today, because he brings up the NFL.com "Every Day is Like Sunday" commercials. Which I wrote about almost a month ago. Wow, I beat one of my heroes to the punch, which means absolutely nothing. It's also relevant because he has the Bye week beating the Raiders (though not by as much as it's beating the Rams), has some funny-ish reader emails about which Hollywood monster Al Davis most resembled at the press conference, and says that we Raiders fans get a Stomach Punch because Tom Cables record as Head Coach at the University of Idaho was 11-35. Anyway, that's more games in the span of 3 years than we've one the last three, so it's an improvement, right?

As for Sllaacs saying that Cable should keep to Lance's plan, does that include the weekly "Tell The Truth Mondays," or what Al Davis referred to as Flat Out Lying? Because that would be awesome.

On to the picks:

Niners vs. Patriots. I really, really hope that Patrick Willis catches Randy Moss coming over the middle. Oh, right, Randy doesn't go over the middle. Oh well. The 49ers win. 17-14.

Packers vs. Falcons. Is Aaron Rodgers even playing? Still feeling good about trading the Indestructable Brett Favre now? Rodgers is the man of Glass. Falcons, and Bubba Malaysia's All Star Running back Michael Turner run the shit out of the Packers, 29-13. Seems like Turner busts out ever two weeks, so he's due.

Bufalo goes to 4-0 with a 27-14 Win over AZ. Is Matt Leinert still on that team?

By the way CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY would like to thank Al Davis, Lane Kiffin, the NFL, Tim Kawakami, John Herrera, and Morrissey for the month of September, which I just noticed was our most prolific month since our inception, with a total of 116 posts.

Pats Take our Sloppy Seconds. Again.

LaMont is a Patriot. Bully for him. I don't really have anything against Lamont; he played hard for the most part and was stuck on bad Norv and Art Shell/Tom Walsh squads.

But Jason Jones' LaMont Jordan "highlight" reel is brutal.

Walt Coleman Sucks Bob Kraft's Leathery Nutsack

And yes, before you even ask, I'm still fucking bitter.

Espn.com asked coaches around the league to vote on the best and worst referees in the league. Mike Carey and Ed Hochuli both got 8 votes for "best" referee (they also got 3 and 4 votes, respectively, for "worst" ref) in the league.

Gerald Austin had the most "worst" votes with 6. Jeff Triplette, who actually blinded a guy with a penalty flag, only got also got 3 "worst" votes. Austin and Triplette are the only refs to receive zero "best" votes.

Walt Coleman, whose mother is a prostitute famous for contracting syphilis (she was even a model for an anti-VD ad in the 1940s) after a strenuous bout of irrumatio with a Canadian stevedore, received 2 votes for "best" referee.

I will bet you $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 that one of those votes came from Bill Belichick.

According to Mike Sando, who also wrote the survey piece, Coleman has worked games involving every team BUT the Raiders since the he shat the Tuck Rule out of his hopefully now cancer-ridden anus. All 31 teams.

As for the second vote, I remember reading an article a while back that said Jon Gruden told someone that Walt Coleman was his favorite referee. When asked why, he said, "Because Al Davis hates him." I don't know if this is true, and I've been unable to find a link, but I hope it's not true, and I really hope that his vote is not the 2nd vote.

I don't really have any hard feelings toward Chucky, despite the ass-whupping he gave us in the Super Bowl. But if, say, he DID vote for Walt Coleman as the best referee in the game, then he is a traitorous, sell out, Mike Shanahan-esque punk, and I hope his wife screws a Hooters bouncer and then goes home and gives Chucky crabs.

Hating My Way to a Great Prediction

So yeah, Sllaacs here; I picked the Giants to win by 4 - they won by three - and I have proof. I also picked the G-men to win during the regular season and they lost that one. So I am a football picking genius right? No - just a full-fledged Hater. I hate that the Niners suck and Patsy's do not. I hate the G-men once again - why do they get to have a good team and a good Quarterback and Niners don't? Why? Why can't the Niners have a Manning? Whatever.

I guess I should consider that the Niners now have Mike Martz, the offensive-minded genius who got cheated by Bill Belichick in the Super Bowl back in the day, and the ramifications that such a signing may bring forth - both good and bad. Consider it considered. Shay-Heezy in the house? That's what I get to look forward to. So I Hate. And that is sports fandom, I suppose. I mean, it's kind of like having an ugly girlfriend and ignoring that ugliness - or better yet, accepting it and expecting it to change drastically in a realistic amount of time - while being pissed off at all your homies for having hot chicks, who you know won't be hot forever, but they sure look good for the predictable future. A guy could upgrade his girlfriend, but true fans can't upgrade to a better team - that's sacreligious - they can only bitch and moan until their team get's it together and competes again, (or in the case of the New Orleans Saints: For the First Time).

So that's where I think Bay Area fans are now, in terms of the NFL; Watching And Anxiously Waiting, Anticipating And Always Hating; (WAAWAAH). So I will waawaah and sit tight, the Patriots loss making me feel all right.

Now, Hatred aside: we must acknowledge the Patriots season as an utter and complete failure.

How's that? Regular season undefeated; AFC Champions - means something right? Not for New England. They have been there, done that, as far as the key pieces of the team goes, so yeah - they fucking failed to cap off the season, and now who will care about regular season perfection and record setting performances when you lose the Super Bowl? They look even worse off the field when you consider Tom Brady's laughing off the pre-game prediction by Plaxico Burress and NE coach Bill Belichick beligerently bulling his way off the field with 1 nanosecond left on the game clock. Then you got Brady and Randi Moss skipping the Pro Bowl. Would they have skipped the Pro Bowl if they had won? Brady; probably, but Moss would be there in Honolulu beaming his million dollar smile and keeping it real, all the while saying: "I told you so, Raider Fan."

So with these images, and more importantly the image of Eli Manning breaking from the grasp of the defense to fire a pass downfield that was caught by a hand and a helmet, we can now know - or at least pretend to know - what Mercury Morris meant when he said the Patroits would not be welcome in his neighborhood unless they won it all. For the NFL, this will go down as one of the greatest Super Bowl upsets of all time. I say that it at least trumps the Patriots win over St. Louis because there is no evidence that the Giants digitally recorded the Patriots final walkthrough a day before the Super Bowl. This also shows what people know about predicting outcomes between Championship teams - nothing. That is, after all why they play the games. So goodbye, NFL - See you again come August.

I will hardly miss ye.

Schadenfreude

Leave to Jerry McDonald to break down the game, and continue to show why he's my favorite writer covering the Raiders with his blog post, "Enjoy:"

With the Patriots perhaps being the Raiders’ most hated opponent ever since Brady made his reputation in the playoffs in the snow, you can forget about 19-61 over the last five years for a few hours and realize that occasionally justice is served.

Manning bailed out a Giants defense which finally tired in the fourth quarter after harassing Brady all night.

With the help of a guy named “Tuck.”

It is indeed poetic, if a little bit pathetic justice for us Raiders fans. But I will admit that I really enjoyed rooting for the Giants, not because I care about them, but because I was a straight up hater today. I felt Sllaacs in a room full of fat women Raiders fans.

Oh, and Bill Simmons is a Mother Fucking Jinx. I won't be surprised if his Boston pass gets revoked after this shit.

The Patriots lost.

To Eli Manning, who was indeed unstoppable.

Muhahahahahaha!

Sllaacs is Brief with his Super Bowl Picks; John's Picks

I've been following the Lane Kiffin/Al Davis Drama all week. Just click on the link to Jerry Mac's blog, or the link to Jason Jones' blog, and you can get caught up. I highly recommend both.

Sllaacs:

I must say, that even though the Patsy's beat the shit out of the Giants during their regular season matchup (during the 4th quarter, at least) I would love for Randi Moss to take this loss and ruin the run for a perfect record. I am no Fish lover and Mercury Morris is an asshole, but who cares? Let them be the only underfeated team in NFL history. 28-24 - G-Men.

I was thinking that the Giants had a chance. This is the first time this season that a good team has faced the Patriots a 2nd time. They have the talent to make any adjustments based on the first meeting.

Then two things happened. First, Plaxico guaranteed a victory, even calling the score 23-17. Then, I was watching NFL Total Access, only instead of Rich Eisen it was the blonde. She's been through the Jeanne Zelasco School of Voice Modulation. Anyway, she kept referring to "Easy E's" upcoming interview with Madame Schefter.

Easy E? Since when is that Eli Manning's nickname? And can he be happy about this? What does that imply? That he'll get into a beef with his most talented teammate (Plaxico) the way that the original Eazy-E got into a beef with N.W.A.'s most talented member (Ice Cube)? That he'll end up being a coach of the Cleveland Browns (like Eazy coached Bone Thugs-n-Harmony) before dying of AIDS?

Horrible.

Anyway, I've never wanted a non-Raiders team to win as badly as I want the New York Football Giants to beat the cheating-ass Mother Tuckers from New England. But they probably won't. The Pats will win, probably big. Like 38-14.

Great Season. Both of our readers will be happy to note that we're planning some big changes around here, including but maybe not limited to Sllaacs getting his own by-line (Is that what you call it on a blog?).

Is Bill Simmons a Jinx; John's Picks

The other day after Bill Simmons wrote the column asking which was Boston's best ever team, the 1986 Celtics or the 2007 Patriots, I said he was "jinxing the hell out of them."
I know Dan isn't a fan of Simmons' work, we've talked about this and he said as much in the comments of that post, implying that he is part of ESPN's Bristol, CT-based East Coast Bias.

It's actually a little more complicated than that. See, ever since espn.com debuted Page 2 in November, 2000, I don't think I've missed a column by the guy who was then known as "The Boston Sports Guy." Back then, there were three writers I absolutely had to read every week that wrote for Page 2: Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Wiley, and Bill Simmons. Hunter and Ralph both passed away, and now it's just Bill Simmons that I still read every week.

The thing is, there are two Bill Simmonses. There's the "Sports Guy," who has great composition skills, understands the intersection of sports and pop culture and navigates that intersection better than anyone. He's a populist writer who regularly features a "mailbag" column in which he prints his funniest readers' comments and questions and responds to them, and the feel is like a group of friends hanging around talking about sports, movies, and TV shows. One of the signs of a great writer is that he or she gives you a feeling of intimacy when you're reading them, so that even though you've never met that person, you feel like you're buddies. Bill Simmons is that kind of writer.

Here's an example of how that works for me. In 2002, I got married and moved from Los Angeles, where I was living at the time, to Connecticut, where the Professor was immersed in her graduate studies at Yale. Around that same time, Bill Simmons married the Sports Gal and moved from Boston to Los Angeles. His columns made a lot more sense to me now, since I had driven on Merritt Parkway, and I now knew who Mike and the Mad Dog were. Then we both had daughters within 4 or 5 months of each other. So even though I've never met Bill Simmons, I feel like I know him because of the shared experience as sports fans and fathers, all transmitted through his columns. This Bill Simmons is one of the reasons I wanted to have a Raiders blog.

The other Bill Simmons is the "Boston Sports Guy," and this guy is an insecure, boring, otherwise-regional hack. He carried the collective angst of New England's sports fans to a world that was otherwise able to ignore it. This is where his love of TV and pop culture comes in. Sure, everyone knows about Ken Burns and his 17-hour exegesis of the 1986 World Series Game Six Collapse, where all of Boston's literary icons pompously left the R's out of words describing their heartbreak. But to the average sports fan who doesn't watch PBS or listen to NPR, here came Bill Simmons writing about "The World's Strongest Man" and "The Real World." The teams from his hometown were losers: it had been 14 years (in 2000) since the Celtics had won a championship, seemingly cursed with the deaths of Len Bias and Reggie Williams, and Rick Pitino trying to murder the franchise; the Curse of the Bambino was in full effect; the Patriots were losers who had never won anything.

Then, a couple of things happened. Walt Coleman created a Patriots Dynasty. The Red Sox came back from a 4-0 deficit to beat the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS and went on to win their first World Series since 1918. And now the Celtics got Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen and have the best record in the NBA. It's quite conceivable that Boston could have all three major sports championships, which would be not only impressive but downright fucking irritating to the rest of the country. With all of this success, Simmons' Boston columns went from being anxious rants to obnoxious, gloating rants. And I don't blame him, I just don't enjoy reading them.

The 86 Celtics vs. 2007 Pats is the perfect example of this new, arrogant Boston Sports Guy. First of all, nobody outside of New England remembers anything about that 1986 Celtics team, except maybe that Len Bias died, and because of him black kids get sent to jail for longer terms over crack than white businessmen get sent to jail for having the same amount of cocaine powder. He writes that the defending champion Lakers team allowed themselves to be be "'shocked' by the upstart Rockets -- with Sampson making the series-winning shot in Game 5 at Los Angeles -- to avoid what would have been a ritual beating by an unstoppable Celtics team." This is a bunch of crap. That Lakers team would rebound the following and beat the Celtics, and then repeat in 1988 for the first back-to-back NBA Championship in 20 years. Sure, people remember the 80s as the golden age of the NBA, and Lakers vs. Celtics was the main reason. But outside of New England, only racist white people rooted for the Celtics. And no matter what anyone from Boston tells you, that is the absolute truth. One summer in 1988, my friends and I were playing ball down at the local school yard. We were like 13 or 14 and there was this older man, probably in his mid-forties, and his son, who was 19 or twenty. We played with them because we need two to make it four on four, enough for a full court game on the short courts. When the older guy asked what team we were, I said the Lakers, and he said, "The Lakers are a bunch of Niggers. You want to root for white people. Be the Celtics." His son was kinda embarrassed, I think, because when we were talking later he said, "I like McHale, but I bet you'd rather be Worthy..."

Besides, it was Magic who joined Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky on the cover of Sports Illustrated under the headline "They Dominated the Eighties."

Now, this Patriots is dominant. And they're probably good enough not be beyond Jinxing by Bill Simmons' column. But if you were going to write a column comparing a dominant team in one sport to a dominant team in another, wouldn't it be the 1996 Bulls team that won 70 games and had All Stars up and down the roster? Brady and Moss compare better to MJ and Scottie Pippen, with Rodney Harrisons' Punk Ass analogous to Dennis Rodman's Punk Ass. I'm just saying.

Anyway, in what is either a blatant ripoff of one of my favorite writers, or, if you're generous, an homage to someone I admire, here's an email I got from the Professor the other day that will segue into my picks:

Subject: Your Daughter and Your Dog are Disgusting

Lily pooped in her panties, which I noticed after she came into the kitchen and told me "poop!" She had a big old saggy load. I pulled off her panties right there in the kitchen and the turd log fell out onto the floor in front of the fridge. I took her into the bathroom to wipe and wash hands. In the meantime, Iggy smelled a tasty treat and hopped out of bed to go have himself a snack. By the time I turned around, he'd eaten half of Lily's turd. I yelled at him to quit it and he ran away, but it was like he had peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth that he kept trying to swallow but couldn't. He's outside now, washing his mouth out with soap. Fucking disgusting.

I'm running away from home today. You can raise these two yourself.

I should point out that we're potty training, which is why Baby Lily was not wearing a diaper. But the reason this email is relevant is because having to choose between the Patriots and the Chargers is akin to having poop stuck to the roof of my mouth like peanut butter. I can't think of two teams I hate more (I hate Denver and Kansas City as much). Anyway, I think New England wins but it's closer than everyone expects. 27-20.

Green Bay wins. I have to go. This has gone on too long and people are becoming exasperated with me.

The Randy Moss We Know and Love

I've been wondering when Randy Moss would become a distraction for the Patriots. He's got great timing, too, right before the AFC Championship Game.

This is not to comment on whether or not he's guilty of anything. I'm frankly inclined to believe his version of events. But the fact that we're even discussing this leading up to a game in which two teams I seriously, seriously hate are playing for the right to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl has filled me with glee.

All we need now is for someone to leak a sex tape involving Shawne Merriman, Philip Rivers, LDT, and a goat, and this will be a great week.

UPDATE: Now Bill Simmons is doing his best to jinx the hell out of the Patriots...This will get its own post after Sllaacs sends in his picks...

John's Picks

I'm looking forward to this weekend's games. On Saturday, I'll be watching the games with my attorney. Not because I've been arrested or sued or anything, but the Professor owes me a boys day out, and I'm going to take advantage. I expect there will be many frosty beverages consumed, along with a fair amount of unhealthy, delicious foods.

Seattle at Green Bay. I know everyone brings this up, but remember a couple/three years when the game went to overtime, and Seattle won the toss, and Matt Hasselbeck said, "We want the ball, and we're gonna score!" and then he threw an INT that got returned for a Touchdown? What a douchebag. Add his douche-iness to the fact that Shaun Alexander will sitting on the sidelines nursing his sore vagina, and the Packers romp, 34-21.

In the night game, the Patriots play the Jaguars. A lot is being said about the Jaguars' running game, and how it will keep the Pats off the field. And it could. But they're not going to hit Tom Brady like they hit Big Ben last week. I hate to say it but the Patriots are going to win by a lot of points. Probably like 38-17. That's 21 points.

As for Sunday's games, I will be watching them at the hoose with my good friend Chris from the Daily Chuppler. He hearts beer as much as I do, so that could be fun.

Norv's Dischargers are getting straight smoked in Indy. I think this will be the most lopsided game of the weekend. In the past, I'd never found San Diego to be as offensive as Denver or Kansas City. Philip Rivers is a jagoff. And if I hear one more person tell me how classy Ladanian Tomlinson is, I may lose control of my bowels. Would someone with class steal Lawrence Taylor's nickname as if he #56 from the Giants had never existed? Of course not. I don't need to read this off of a teleprompter:

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Colts win 57-0.

Cowboys vs. Giants. This is the best matchup of the weekend. I'm excited for this game. Dallas has won both of the earlier matchups, but since playing New England on the last game of the season, the Giants are hot. They destroyed Goldmember last week. As for Tony Romo, I know the Professor is pumped up for this game. What I want to know is, what's up with Terry Bradshaw hopping on the T.O. Cock Blocker bandwagon? And I don't care that if Bill Parcells was the coach last year, he'd have never gone down to Mexico like that. I personally think Parcells is overrated. He had the Real LT (OGLT?). Anyway, I like NY's chances, but I still think Dallas squeaks this game out, maybe even in OT, in a pretty high scoring, exciting game. 31-29, Cowboys.

Sllaacs Divisional Picks

Via email this morning, with the heading "Playoffs:"

So here we are, second weekend of the playoffs. With no further ado:

Of course I'm taking Green Bay over Seattle, like I said last week: Seattle sucks. 35-34 G.B.

New England @ Jacksonville. Ugh... I do not like the Patsy's. 42 - 10 New England.

Indy vs. San Diego - Indy is the last real chance for the Patsy's to be stopped. Colts over the Chargers 28-17.

Dallas vs. Giants should be the best matchup of the weekend. I actually want to see Eli do well; hell he has done well - this will be his third straight season in the playoffs. Maybe Eli is better than I think. The Giants do have that super D - rush, and T.O. is supposed to be ailing. Anyhow, I will go with what should always be the most hated team in sports: the Dallas Cowboys, 30-16.

Year of the Tiger:

Sousa is guilty of taunting that Tiger - I was born in the Year of the Tiger - and he got a little more than what he deserved. To see some examples of the "Wild" getting revenge against Humans, download "When Animals Attack" and you will see some us get our come-uppance from the animals that we captured and then gawked at like idiots. The saddest part of the whole thing is that the Tiger did not deserve to go out like that, at the hands of a police firing squad, and all because some idiot Raiders fans had to go sling-shotting the captive animal.

Mrs. Sousa (seriously, no relation; please stop asking) says the Dhaliwal brothers told her they didn't sling-shot the tiger.

John's Picks

I was at Trader Joe's today with the Professor and Baby Lily, the one in Westlake, Daly City.
I get of the car, I have the baby on my shoulders, and some asshole sees my Raiders hoodie and actually yelled "BRONCOS!"

For real? You bet. I actually turned around and asked him that. "Really?" And then I just laughed, because it was so absurd. Since I live on this side of the bay, I expect and am used to a fair amount of harassment from 49ers fans. That's perfectly acceptable, since I live less than two miles from Candlestick, and it is after all San Francisco.

But "BRONCOS!?" I hope that guy gets botulism.

Onto the picks. I'm hoping to see most of the game tonight despite going to dinner with my sister-in-law and nephew for his birthday. They're not football fans so they plan these things without regard for the schedule. Anyway, I'm thinking it should be a pretty good game, and that the Giants will play everyone at least a half. Their pass rush should match up pretty well with Brady and them. But still, NE wins by a lot.

Well, Shay-heezy is jacked up. Fractured the transverse processes in three vertebrae. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what the hell that means, but I'm guessing when the words "fracture" and "vertebrae" appear in the same sentence it's not good. Those words appeared in a sentence about Christopher Reeve once. It was all bad. Even worse, Chris Weinke is getting the start. Niners lose, by a lot.

And now JaMarcus meets Norv and the HGH dis-Chargers crew. 2-0 against the AFC West the 2nd time around for Lane Kiffin. Let's make it 3-0. Maybe bring in Pops Kiffin to run the D next year.

I'm in.

Holiday Hangover: Sllaacs' Week 17 Picks.

Santa was very good to me this year. I got an awesome Raiders hoodie, and a Kirk Morrison #52 home black jersey. I'm excited to wear it this weekend during the game, whether I'm watching on TV or at the coliseum.

I'm not sure how I feel about what happened on Sunday. The only word that comes to mind is the one I used then, which is "debacle." It's good that JaMarcus got his nose bloodied. He'll learn from how horribly he played. I like Zach Miller caught Jammy's first TD pass, though. That's going to be a combo for a long time.

Immediately after the game, I went out to buy some groceries for our holiday festivities. I was listening to the Raiders post-game show. When I came out of the store, there was a program on called "The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Show." I guess he's an English Rabbi, judging by his name and his accent. Anyway, his theory was that "God is a Conversative, and Santa Claus is a Liberal." He wanted his callers to discuss. So a guy called in and said, "You're right, because God created the world in 7 Days (sic), and Santa tries to do everything in one night." I got through the good Rabbi actually saying the words, "I guess that's a valid argument..." before changing the channel over to some classic rock.

This is so stupid in so many ways, I don't even know where to begin. Just don't let me hear one more word about secular liberals having a "war on Christmas."

Anyway, after this nice little holiday wrap up, here's Sllaacs' picks for this final week, via email:

Got to say, Dan was right about the Green Bay - Chicago rivalry. The Black and Blue is still the division with the toughest (i.e., Competitiveness + Inclement weather) divisional games in the league. Got ta needle ya though Danny; Your "test" game was right on the money - 49-11 and basically is a microcosm of the entire season. Good call. Seriously. You called it before the game; 'This is a test for the Raiders' - I am paraphrasing. I interpret the final result of the Oak vs Jack game as a failed exam and a harbinger of what is to come in 2008. What do you infer from the outcome of the "test" game?

Poor Raider fan - all your hopes for next season rest on J. Russell making a good or acceptable appearance in the last game of this season. Welcome to the world of the Niner fan for the past two off-seasons - now let's make it three. What do you say Johnnie Boy? Those Russell stats look suspiciously like Alex Smith stats. San Diego has nothing to play for, but L.T. has a habit of putting two game's worth of rushing yards into a half against the Raiders, so even if the starters only play the first half, San Diego might blow this thing open with their first three drives of the game. I'm going to pick Oakland however, since they are at home, and they actually have a reason to play for a win. 20 - 16 - The Raiders.

The Niners should lose to Cleveland. They should - there is no good reason to think that the Browns would lose this game at the Dawg Pound, even if it will take a Titans win over the Colts to keep them out of the Playoffs. Except for the following: Mike Nolan is 6 - 2 in his coaching career over the last three games of the regular season. Also - Shay - Heezy iz tha Hiz-nouse. Cleveland wins - 28 - 17.

So for my third game, I will pick the Cardinals over the Rams... Yeah, right. We'll go with the Patsy's at the Giants. As an NFC fan, I would love to see the hated New York football Giants roll the Patriots and ruin the run for perfection, thereby allowing the stupid Dolphins old-timers to continue to have a reason to live and make the AFC look like collective assholes for continuing to have to hear from these dinosaurs. The Giants are in the playoffs, and offer an awesome pass Rush.

Nice year for us Bay Area Football fans. Nice last couple ofyears. I'd like to thank Al Davis and the Yorks for making all of us fans reminisce about the good old days of Joe Montana, Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Rich Gannon, Jeff Hostettler, and Tim Brown, among a legion of others. Those were the days when we could score. A friggin'. Touchdown.

Sllaacs

Merry Belated Xmas, people. Hope it was a good one.

John's Picks

Okay.

Sllaacs is eating retard samiches if he thinks Miami is beating New England today. It's just not happening. If that happens, I will head straight out and buy all the canned food and bottled water I can fit in my car, and then I'll go to the local Ted Nugent Outlet Store purchase a survival suit and an assault rifle. Because the apocalypse is coming.

Jeff Garcia gets his revenge on the Yorks. Shaun Hill shows why he was third string.

The Raiders? I don't even know. McCown's starting, but they say Jammy might finish. Kiffin may take the training wheels off, leading to start next week against Norv and HGH crew.

Aww, screw it. Raiders win, 21-20, with Jammy leading a two-minute drill, game-winning drive so spectacular he solidifies himself as the franchise, and we don't see McCown again until preseason.

Week 16 Picks: Sllaacs Loses Mind; Still Loves GOOOLLLLD!

While Dan is busy putting the heat on Ira Miller, for continuing to insuate that Lane Kiffin is looking to bail, I'm cleaning out my inbox. Here's what I found:

Pickin' Time, Boys,

Niners vs. Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia, back in SF - Gruden back in the Bay. Both winners, looking at the playoffs. In our (Niner Fans - Black Holers) collective faces. Tampa has allowed the fewest points in the NFL, (tied with Pittsburgh). However: The Shawn Hill era has begun. #13 - S-Hill. Shay Hizzle. Shay Heez-nil iz in tha hizzin-hoozin-hizzle. Shawn The Thrill Hill, baby... Okay, enough - Bucs win 21 - 14.

Raider vs. Jags. This one is in Jacksonville. The Jags are 10-4, Garrard has Brady-like efficiency, (16 TD's - 2 INT's) and Fred - Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years - Taylor is running as well as any back in the NFL not in a Minnesota uni. No need to mention the Raiders horrible run defense, but that will probably be the determining factor in a Jacksonville victory 24 - 10.

This week's schedule is lame. No one game this week features two playoff-bound teams. In that case I choose to pick the least exciting game on the schedule, (besides Raiders vs. Jaguars) and that is Miami vs. New England. Screw it, I'm picking Miami - they are on a season high winning streak, and I think they are "due". Whatever the hell that means. Miami wins a shocker - and preserves the 1972 Dolphins relevancy to all win-loss records - in Foxboro 17-13. I can dream, can't I? NFL films presents: "In a sports world nearly overcome with the ubiquity of Fantasy Leagues, one man and the entire city of Miami dares to dream in the old fashioned
way..."

Sllaacs

No word on whether or not Jeff Garcia is returning any of Sllaacs' text messages.