Don't Call it a Comeback: John's Picks

Now that my colon is no longer a semi-colon, I'm coming back to rock the picks. We haven't tallied up a score in a while, and I think dobolina is off being a new dad or something, so it will just be me vs. Dan vs. Sllaacs. We'll get a new score after this weekend.

Okay, party people.

So. The Tom Cable Era begins. Yes, the press conferences may be bland. I don't give a good Gosh Darn It, as long as the product on the field isn't dull. Or shit, go ahead and be dull, just win a goddam football game, okay? I think the Saints are a better team, and should win the game at home in the dome. But it's also a homecoming of sorts for JaMarcus, who dominated in his last appearance there, in 2007 Sugar Bowl. So, the Aints win, 27-24.

Rush Limbaugh's favorite quarterback also happens to be my fantasy QB. I didn't pick him out of a "social concern," in fact the auto-draft did it for me. I was quite happy with him for the first three weeks of the season. Now, he promises to bring it. And since Chris Dennebaum--the biggest Philly Phanatic I know--is getting married this Sunday, I think the Iggles join the rest of the Philly sports renaissance going on right now. JTO may throw for 300 and 3 TDs, but so does Donovan. 35-28 Eagles.

Seattle sucks. I mean, they really, really suck. They Art Shell Suck. They suck so bad, Walt Coleman's mother called up Paul Allen and asked if she could audit some team meetings and improve her deep throat technique. I mean, they're not as bad as the Lions or the Rams, but they still suck. Green Bay 37-6.

In a rematch of last year's AFC Championship game, I think the Patriots will beat the Chargers. They're not that great. They almost lost to us. The Chargers don't look like they can score points to me. So there. 18-14 San Diego.

Okay, Then.

So Lance is still employed, and not commenting on any conversations he may or may not have or have had with Al Davis.

Meanwhile, Lowell Cohn laid out the case why Kiffin should be fired: because he's not a good coach. He's a dead man walking.

Gary Peterson goes with the soft bigotry of low expectations, says Kiffin deserves to keep his job and finish turning this around.

Ratto handicaps the situation. Ostler calls Al a "Drama Queen."

Meanwhile, the Rams have shit-canned Scott Linehan and hired Jim Haslett as their coach. So somewhere, somebody did something.

Week 2 Picks: Sllaacs Didn't get the Memo

The fourth game is supposed to whoever is playing the Packers, in honor of occasional poster dobolina.

So let's do five games:

If you've been reading me at all this week, you know I'm picking the Chiefs. 31-10.

The 49ers will lose, but it will be close. Seattle sucks, and I like 49ers D. Maybe if Mike Nolan gets fired, Al can pull a reverse-Norv and hire him to be his defensive coordinator. But probably not, because he doesn't hire good defensive coaches, because he coaches the D himself. 13-10.

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland: I like the Steelers. 31-17.

Dallas vs. Philly on Monday night. Now, here's a football game. Donovan is my fantasy quarterback; I lucked into him when I forgot to login to the live draft and my computer drafted him for me. He then lit up the Rams for 363 and 3 TDs. The Cowboys are not the Lambs, obviously. But I'm going with Dallas, breaking in a new Stadium. I wonder if Jerry Jones got a new 12-person hot tub shaped like Texas Stadium.

Packers vs. Detroit. The Lions suck. Along with the Rams, they're the only other team ranked lower than the Raiders on ESPN.com's Week 2 Power rankings. Packers, 27-7.

Gene Wojciechowski is a Hater

Gene Wojciechowski has a column up about how much the Packers suck for trading Favre to the Jets. I'll let dobolina or Dan or Mikey (who is both a Wisconsinite and a Jets fan) discuss whether or not he's right about any of that. I don't really have an opinion on that.

But what I do have an opinion on is his apparent disdain for the Oakland Raiders. Discussing the Jets allegedly easy non-division schedule, he writes:

They play Oakland, Kansas City, St. Louis and San Francisco. A nine-win season, maybe a game better, isn't inconceivable.

Why does he have to put the Raiders at the front of that list?

We're easily better than the Chiefs, the Rams, or the 49ers. Even Nancy Gay knows that.

Is Bill Williamson a Hater?

No, really, I can't decide.

ESPN.com came out with their first Power Ranking of the season, and the Raiders have dropped a place from their season ending 26 to 27. They basically swapped places with the Rams. My buddy Ken, who both of our readers will remember missed an opportunity for a bedside interview with Javon Walker in a Las Vegas hospital, is a Rams fan. I'm sure he will rub this in my face all week, that his squad is 1 point ahead in the power rankings.

But at least we're ahead of the 49ers, so stick it in your ear, Sllaacs.

Anyway, so Williams writes:

Optimism is sky high in Oakland. It might not be warranted, but the Raiders will be more fun to watch than in recent years.

Now, Dan and I were discussing this recently, how every year we talk ourselves into being excited about the Raiders, either because Randy Moss will really make Norv's offense work, or maybe Art really will bring the greatness back. We will probably write something about that, and share a couple of the now-embarrassing emails that were exchanged.

Anyway, so yes, I'm optimistic. That's true. I don't know that it's quite sky high, but I'm more optimistic than I've generally been. How could I not be? JaMarcus makes me hopeful, as does McFadden.

The "It might not be warrented" qualification, while if Jerry McDonald wrote it, I wouldn't think twice, when written by a former Broncos beat writer it gives me pause.

So consider yourself on notice, Williamson.

Sllaacs Picks a Day Early this Week.

I just got this in my inbox. Hopefully nobody I work with reads this blog and notices what time the posts come.

Dearest John, Unrequited Love of My Life,

When did it all go wrong for the 49ers?

The end of the 2002 Season. Steve Mariucci was not resigned. They followed up this genius move at the end of 2003 by making the biggest blunder when Jeff Garcia was let go. After being blessed with 3 great QB's in a row (HOF'er, HOF'er, Pro-Bowler) we now have two of the same QB; a young Trent Dilfer and the real Trent Dilfer. The niners are screwed for the next two years, at least.

So basically, when John York - Super Dork - took over the team, the niners went to total shit while leaving thier offensive roots behind them - or allowing Mariucci to take them with him - where he lost them in Detroit - anyhow - ever heard of the
West Coast Offense? Consider maybe running that offense - the 49er offense - before you try changing a tradition and establishing some kind of smash-mouth, ball control offense - in California, no less! Smash-mouth is for cold weather teams - ancing up and down the football field like ballerinas is warm weather football. Al Davis still likes to throw deep - and always will. The 49ers should always be a West Coast Offense. Period.

As for the Raiders - I just don't know what to say, except this: as bad as they are offensively, the Niners are worse - so kiss my ass, my team sucks better than your team. At least S.F. can win the distinction of being THE WORST, while the Raiders will fade away to anonymity with their relatively less, total-suck-ass season.

Here are my picks:

Tampa Bay over Atlanta - 24-13. Atlanta is very bad - the Bucs are not.

Raiders beat Minnesota 9 - 6 - No A.P. too bad eh? But that's right, I'm predicting an all field goal game.

Rams will roll S.F. 38 - 16. Bulger and L.J. are back - the Rams may finish 6-10 this year.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sllaacs.