More on Baldy; Donkeys Win.

This is just gross. I had a manager one time who had a pinky like that. It was disgusting. He was always coming up and giving people (women, usually) shoulder rubs. And when they'd look down, you could see them shudder. Then he'd gurgle this pervy laugh he had, and it completed the picture. I bet Baldy's got a pervy laugh too. And he's probably also a sexual harasser. Everybody knows people with deformed pinkies are perverts.

And whaddya know, the game just ended, and Cleveland, with Brady Quinn under center, almost just beat the Donkeys. Brandon Marshall caught the game winning 6, which helps my fantasy prospects this week. He then told the most ridiculous story I've ever heard about his planned TD celebration in honor of Barack Obama's election the other day. I'm sure the video will be available soon, but the story included references to John Carlos/Tommy Smith 1968, bi-racial Americans, I think, and something else stupid. But to his credit, he scrapped it because the game was too close and he didn't want to be penalized. He may have also realized it was retarded.

Quinn's performance will just add gasoline to the JaMarcus haters fire. I can't defend his performance, so I won't. But Lowell Cohn has an interesting take on it here.

Here I was hoping that the Broncos would win the division at 4-12.

Week 2 Picks: Sllaacs Didn't get the Memo

The fourth game is supposed to whoever is playing the Packers, in honor of occasional poster dobolina.

So let's do five games:

If you've been reading me at all this week, you know I'm picking the Chiefs. 31-10.

The 49ers will lose, but it will be close. Seattle sucks, and I like 49ers D. Maybe if Mike Nolan gets fired, Al can pull a reverse-Norv and hire him to be his defensive coordinator. But probably not, because he doesn't hire good defensive coaches, because he coaches the D himself. 13-10.

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland: I like the Steelers. 31-17.

Dallas vs. Philly on Monday night. Now, here's a football game. Donovan is my fantasy quarterback; I lucked into him when I forgot to login to the live draft and my computer drafted him for me. He then lit up the Rams for 363 and 3 TDs. The Cowboys are not the Lambs, obviously. But I'm going with Dallas, breaking in a new Stadium. I wonder if Jerry Jones got a new 12-person hot tub shaped like Texas Stadium.

Packers vs. Detroit. The Lions suck. Along with the Rams, they're the only other team ranked lower than the Raiders on ESPN.com's Week 2 Power rankings. Packers, 27-7.

John's Picks

I was at Trader Joe's today with the Professor and Baby Lily, the one in Westlake, Daly City.
I get of the car, I have the baby on my shoulders, and some asshole sees my Raiders hoodie and actually yelled "BRONCOS!"

For real? You bet. I actually turned around and asked him that. "Really?" And then I just laughed, because it was so absurd. Since I live on this side of the bay, I expect and am used to a fair amount of harassment from 49ers fans. That's perfectly acceptable, since I live less than two miles from Candlestick, and it is after all San Francisco.

But "BRONCOS!?" I hope that guy gets botulism.

Onto the picks. I'm hoping to see most of the game tonight despite going to dinner with my sister-in-law and nephew for his birthday. They're not football fans so they plan these things without regard for the schedule. Anyway, I'm thinking it should be a pretty good game, and that the Giants will play everyone at least a half. Their pass rush should match up pretty well with Brady and them. But still, NE wins by a lot.

Well, Shay-heezy is jacked up. Fractured the transverse processes in three vertebrae. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what the hell that means, but I'm guessing when the words "fracture" and "vertebrae" appear in the same sentence it's not good. Those words appeared in a sentence about Christopher Reeve once. It was all bad. Even worse, Chris Weinke is getting the start. Niners lose, by a lot.

And now JaMarcus meets Norv and the HGH dis-Chargers crew. 2-0 against the AFC West the 2nd time around for Lane Kiffin. Let's make it 3-0. Maybe bring in Pops Kiffin to run the D next year.

I'm in.

John's Week 10 Picks

I don't know what to think this week. Sllaacs picking the Raiders to win has me seriously discombobulated. I was all set to pick against the Raiders as a means of reverse-jinxing them (at least until the Denver game, which I have tickets to and will be the first time I get to see them in person this year--lame for a Raiders blogger, I know, but shit, man, preschool and diapers and chocolate milk are expensive) but now I think Sllaacs may have done it for me.

That's right, see, because the Raiders are bad enough this year, and so obviously rebuilding that they can't be jinxed. They were jinxed the minute Walt Coleman pulled the Tuck Rule out of his polyp-riddled asshole, which led to Chuckie's bouncing and subsequent trouncing of our boys in Super Bowl Who-gives-a-shit-that-was-the-worst-day-of-my-sports-watching-life.

I know Griese sucks, but he was 5-3 against us when he was with the Donkeys, the Three losses coming in the '01 and '02, Chuckie's last year when he finally ended the losing streak and the Super Bowl year, when Rod Woodson took that pick back 96 yards to the house. Point being, when Griese played on those good Donkey teams against horrible or rebuilding Raiders teams, he won. (Check out his stats, you can see Denver's W-L records by clicking on the team name next to the year.)

This is clearly a rebuilding year. But you know what? Fuck it. Sllaacs is right about this one. No Tank Johnson means Huggie Jr. is running his ass off Sunday. Plus, I had a dream the other night that Josh McCown was getting cheered by the home crowd after throwing a touchdown pass early. Raiders win 17-14.

I was thinking that the Niners owned the Artists Formerly Known as the Gulls (when they were in the AFC West), but that was last year when everyone was optimistic about this year's team making the playoffs. Now, they're a mess. Even Sllaacs is asking for Derek Anderson next year. Seattle wins, 21-9, even though Shaun Alexander doesn't play well because his man-gina is sore.

As for the Cleveland/Pittsburgh game, if you think Cleveland is winning this game than you're an idiot. I benched Carson Palmer for Ben Roethlisberger--permanently--on my fantasy squad a couple of weeks and I haven't lost since. If he put up 5 TDs in the first half against the Ravens last week (although, while watching that 75th anniversary celebration at halftime on Monday night, I couldn't help but think that somewhere, Al Davis and John Madden were throwing up bile), he might put up 8 against Cleveland. There's no way the Steelers lose this game. Pittsburgh wins 38-27.

Week 10 Apocalypse: Sllaacs Picks the Raiders!

From my Inbox this morning:

Dear Asshat,

This week I will take the following the following stances:

Raiders vs. Chicago

I will take Oakland in this game - am I crazy? Probably, but Brian Griese is not much better than the Bay Area quarterbacks, and the Raiders do have a run game. Kiffin starting Culpepper would make me feel better about choosing the Raiders, but I could see Josh McNown/Cade McCown - now which is it? - finding a way to make
enough plays against the suck-ass Bears. 20-17 Oakland.

Niners vs. Seattle

The Niners will win this one - why? Because Seattle sucks - they
do - and the whole world will know it when they scan over the
boxscore in the papers on Tuesday. No one will watch, but S.F. will
beat the Seahawks asses in thier own house, on Monday Night Football, no less. 17 - 9 S.F.

Cleveland vs. Pittsburg

Okay, so I took a leap on those two predictions, but what the hell. There is a small movement among Niner fans to try and snatch up Derek Anderson from Cleveland as a free agent this offseason - since the Browns drafted that QB - who is it, Brady Quinn? It would cost the Niners a 1st and 3rd round pick, so Cleveland would probably welcome the exchange. In that spirit, I will pick the only compelling game this week; Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland. Today, the Steelers are favored by a whopping 9 1/2 points. Any gambler would take Cleveland's high octane offense and the points. I will take Cleveland outright - to win on the road 34 - 30.

Heart,

Sllaacs.

So far the sky is still up.