John's Picks

The Professor is in Utah for the Western History Association conference. So I spent last night taking people's money in poker and then drinking at the Broken Record. I'm a little hungover, but not terribly, because I took Chaser. It works.

The Raiders will win today, 24-13. I'm just feeling it, even though McFadden is out. But the Ravens are missing their Corners, starting Fabian "I partied too much in Oakland" Washington. I like JaMarcus and Javon to continue what they started last week, especially against the wrecked-up secondary of the Ravens.

Giants, 21-20.

Bucs over Cowboys.

49ers over Seahawks, who are TERRIBLE.

Walt Coleman Sucks Bob Kraft's Leathery Nutsack

And yes, before you even ask, I'm still fucking bitter.

Espn.com asked coaches around the league to vote on the best and worst referees in the league. Mike Carey and Ed Hochuli both got 8 votes for "best" referee (they also got 3 and 4 votes, respectively, for "worst" ref) in the league.

Gerald Austin had the most "worst" votes with 6. Jeff Triplette, who actually blinded a guy with a penalty flag, only got also got 3 "worst" votes. Austin and Triplette are the only refs to receive zero "best" votes.

Walt Coleman, whose mother is a prostitute famous for contracting syphilis (she was even a model for an anti-VD ad in the 1940s) after a strenuous bout of irrumatio with a Canadian stevedore, received 2 votes for "best" referee.

I will bet you $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 that one of those votes came from Bill Belichick.

According to Mike Sando, who also wrote the survey piece, Coleman has worked games involving every team BUT the Raiders since the he shat the Tuck Rule out of his hopefully now cancer-ridden anus. All 31 teams.

As for the second vote, I remember reading an article a while back that said Jon Gruden told someone that Walt Coleman was his favorite referee. When asked why, he said, "Because Al Davis hates him." I don't know if this is true, and I've been unable to find a link, but I hope it's not true, and I really hope that his vote is not the 2nd vote.

I don't really have any hard feelings toward Chucky, despite the ass-whupping he gave us in the Super Bowl. But if, say, he DID vote for Walt Coleman as the best referee in the game, then he is a traitorous, sell out, Mike Shanahan-esque punk, and I hope his wife screws a Hooters bouncer and then goes home and gives Chucky crabs.

John's Picks

I got an email from my attorney, Nappy McBigtoe, threatening to renounce baseball after Billy Beane traded Nick Swisher yesterday. To quote my mother-in-law, "God Damn It." That pretty much sums up the feeling today for those of us who root for McAfee Coliseum's other team.

Anyway, Sllaacs, also a huge A's fan (weird thing about the Bay Area that there a lot of A's/Niners fans and Giants/Raiders fans), is trying to talk me out of it, but I'm also thinking of Renouncing Baseball.

Anyway, this weeks picks:

The Giants beat Tampa Bay, which will expedite the hiring of Raheem Morris as the Raiders new defensive coordinator. (UPDATE: Or not.)

Seattle beats Washington. They just don't lose at home, even if they had to pay Texas A&M when they ripped off the "12th Man."

Even though they're a different species of big ass cat, the Steelers are about to get roy'd at home this weekend. I saw what that defense did against the JaMarcus Russell and the Raiders juggernaut...er...anyway, they're really good. So is the Jaguars running game. You can read that anywhere. Even Nancy Gay agrees they can run the ball.

Finally, Norv and the Dischargers vs. the Titans. Let's just say I hope Albert Haynesworth steps on Philip Rivers' head with his cleats, cutting that smug smirk off right off of it. I really hate them now. But they probably win this week, considering they're most likely going to face Kerry Collins.

Playoffs!? Sllaacs Picks Every Game

Got an email this morning from Sllaacs:

So it's playoff time, my squad - the San Francisco Shay-Heezies are home watching - I would think. I mean, those losers should be watching players who have experienced success in order to motivate thier asses to improve in the off season. At least the Niners are a young team, if no longer a Bryant Young team.

Playoff picks:

I'm picking Washington to go into Seattle and beat the Seahawks asses, 20-6. Because Seattle sucks.

Jacksonville at Pitt looks like a good matchup. I will take the Steelers at home 35-17.

N.Y. Giants vs the Tampa Bay Garcias. Of course I'm taking Gruden and Goldmember at home against Eli; the Manning who sucks. 24 - 17 Bucs.

It would be nice to see Tennessee beat the Chargers, but it won't happen. San Diego will win easily 30 - 16.

As for the recently completed S.F. Forty-Niners season:

The defense played well overall with a few standouts - Patick Willis, of course resembled a young Ray Lewis while leading the NFL in tackles. Nate Clements lived up to his hype, and Bryant Young polished off a career as one of the best interior D-linemen in NFL history.

The offense... They were hurt by the loss of Norv Turner as OC - no doubt. Rookie Joe Staley started all 16 games (acquired last year from the Patriots for this years #1 pick). Gore managed 1100 rushing yards. The punter punted 105 times. 105 punts, in one season. Uno-Cero-Cinco. Cientocinco. 4,968 punt yards. Think about that Raider fan. Revel in it; laugh out loud about it. The Niners used four quarterbacks to start games this year, including the great Chris Weinke - rhymes with 'stinky'.

The Niners still won more games than your team did. If you look at the scores in some of the losses, a true fan could even rationalize that with a competent QB all year 7 wins could have easily happened. I point will point out three winnable games: vs. Baltimore 9-7, vs. ATL 20-16, and losing to the fucking Rams in S.F. 13-9. Dante Culpepper could have won those games for the Niners.

Alex Smith gets a Mulligan; he got hurt on national television for all to see, he said he was hurt, threw like he was hurt, had surgery like he was hurt. QB competion in camp is welcome. This Niner fan will just see what happens, eat my cheese, drink my wine and see what the first four games of next season brings. Then I will choose a proper emotion.


Sllaacs

John's Picks

Okay.

Sllaacs is eating retard samiches if he thinks Miami is beating New England today. It's just not happening. If that happens, I will head straight out and buy all the canned food and bottled water I can fit in my car, and then I'll go to the local Ted Nugent Outlet Store purchase a survival suit and an assault rifle. Because the apocalypse is coming.

Jeff Garcia gets his revenge on the Yorks. Shaun Hill shows why he was third string.

The Raiders? I don't even know. McCown's starting, but they say Jammy might finish. Kiffin may take the training wheels off, leading to start next week against Norv and HGH crew.

Aww, screw it. Raiders win, 21-20, with Jammy leading a two-minute drill, game-winning drive so spectacular he solidifies himself as the franchise, and we don't see McCown again until preseason.

Week 16 Picks: Sllaacs Loses Mind; Still Loves GOOOLLLLD!

While Dan is busy putting the heat on Ira Miller, for continuing to insuate that Lane Kiffin is looking to bail, I'm cleaning out my inbox. Here's what I found:

Pickin' Time, Boys,

Niners vs. Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia, back in SF - Gruden back in the Bay. Both winners, looking at the playoffs. In our (Niner Fans - Black Holers) collective faces. Tampa has allowed the fewest points in the NFL, (tied with Pittsburgh). However: The Shawn Hill era has begun. #13 - S-Hill. Shay Hizzle. Shay Heez-nil iz in tha hizzin-hoozin-hizzle. Shawn The Thrill Hill, baby... Okay, enough - Bucs win 21 - 14.

Raider vs. Jags. This one is in Jacksonville. The Jags are 10-4, Garrard has Brady-like efficiency, (16 TD's - 2 INT's) and Fred - Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years - Taylor is running as well as any back in the NFL not in a Minnesota uni. No need to mention the Raiders horrible run defense, but that will probably be the determining factor in a Jacksonville victory 24 - 10.

This week's schedule is lame. No one game this week features two playoff-bound teams. In that case I choose to pick the least exciting game on the schedule, (besides Raiders vs. Jaguars) and that is Miami vs. New England. Screw it, I'm picking Miami - they are on a season high winning streak, and I think they are "due". Whatever the hell that means. Miami wins a shocker - and preserves the 1972 Dolphins relevancy to all win-loss records - in Foxboro 17-13. I can dream, can't I? NFL films presents: "In a sports world nearly overcome with the ubiquity of Fantasy Leagues, one man and the entire city of Miami dares to dream in the old fashioned
way..."

Sllaacs

No word on whether or not Jeff Garcia is returning any of Sllaacs' text messages.

Going Postal; Sllaacs Week 15 Picks

Sllaacs sent his pics this week by certified letter. I had to go to the post office at Embarcadero Center to pick them up. While I was there I thought I'd send Christmas cards. I asked the lady behind the info desk if she had a Zip Code Book.

"No."

And that's it. Gave me the Heisman. So I look around and see the autmated postal machine, and hit the info button, where I was able to get the Zip code I needed. Trying to be nice, I went back to the woman at the info desk and said to her, "Just so you know, if anyone asks you next time for a zip code, you can look it up on the machine."

"Oh, I know," she said. "You can look it up over there. You didn't ask me how to look up a zip code. You just asked me if I had a book. I don't have a book."

"Why else would I ask you for a zip code book?"

"I don't know, sir. People ask me all kinds of questions. I can't assume anything, you need to be very specific."

"Did you think I needed a boost to see over the counter or something?"

"I don't know sir. You need to be specific." I should point out that this woman is about 5'2" and easily pushing 300lbs. I didn't want to make this an ad hominem attack, but this had to be the stupidest conversation I've ever had.

"Okay, okay,' I said, finally. "Thank you for your help."

So then I had the letter with Sllaacs' picks, and it said:

So some dude jumped off the upper deck at halftime of the 49ers game last week.

Can you blame him? He should have waited to see Shaun Hill in the 2nd half. Which brings me to my picks for this week.

Niners vs. Bengals. 31 - 17 Cincinnati. This game is on a Saturday - So what? Bengals win - 'nuff said.

Colts at Raiders. Hoo. Tough one - I mean predicting the blowout that is - I was pretty close with my Green Bay blowout prediction, but since the Raiders are at home, I think the Colts will win by only 3 touchdowns. 28 - 7 - The Black Hole will be Peyton's Place on Sunday. Wasn't it brutal, Raider Fan - to listen to Charles Woodson talk about your squad, like he had never played in the uniform before?

Finally, I will take an easy one. Tampa Bay over Atlanta. Hey, none of the other games are that compelling either. Patsy's vs. Man-gina? Whack. T.O. vs. McNabb? zzzzzzz. I mean Balty vs, Miami sounds more interesting to me. Tampa wins 24-13. Playoff bound: Jeff Garcia and John Gruden. They should both still be in the Bay Area.

Sllaacs

I bet that dude had to get some help at the Embarcadero Center post office.

John's Picks

Happy Thanksgiving. Let's get right to it.

The Raiders are smart not to cut Lamont or Dominic this week, because LJ's out, and Priest is retired. They didn't want one of them running wild on us. I bet they get cut next week after the Denver game. Anyway, we're losing 13-9.

The Niners are losing, too. Only they're losing by a lot more than four points. The Cardinals run them off the field, 27-0.

The other game, Washington vs. Tampa, well, it's coming down to Coach Janky Spanky, Southeast Jerome, and Dolemite Jenkins.



Redskins win, 21-18.

Week 11 Picks

Yo,

My bad, I am a little late. I was going to pick the Pack over Detroit 37-26, but I was, uh late in making the entry. Here are my picks for Sunday:

The Raiders will get rolled for what, thier eighteenth straight division loss? Now that's a Black Hole - a place where wins are just sucked out of you and losses are blasted back in your face like a fine mist of particles, sticking like shit to a jacket made of helpless baby seal skin - seals that literally were clubbed over thier heads much like the Raider fans are figuratively clubbed over thiers by the constant F***ing losing... But I digress. This game will probably be just as frustrating for Oakland fans as the other Raider losses this season - 16 - 10, K.C. Look closely at Culpeppers Numbers, they aren't that bad considering - and I think Oakland could do worse than signing the immobile veteran for next year, and then allowing the mobile interception machine McClown to go about his merry way.

The Niners will lose. Will they get into the end zone though? Hell, I don't know - but I do remember a guy named Pat Barnes ran the Niner offense for about 4 games in 1999, and I think that the sense of futility that permeated the entire franchinse from that horrible period of time has once again reared its' ugly head. 23 - 8, Arizona. The Niners will get a safety and a defensive TD.

Tampa Bay will beat the 'skins. Notice that I keep picking T.B. games? Wonder why that is - could it be because as a Niner fan, I might look at those games and harken - that's right, I harken - back to the days of old when we had a QB that was a legit QB? Yes. That is the reason.

The Redskins bring a good D, and a lame O, while T.B. seems pretty much statistically unimpressive on both sides of the ball, but Jeff Garcia is a winner - and winners win. While losers, well - we all know what losers do. They end sentences with prepositions. 23 - 17, Tampa over Washington.

XOXO

Sllaacs

Daunte's Revenge, Numero Dos: John's Picks

I'm about to get on a plane for Texas, which is now the official CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY vacation destination of choice.

Anyway, Tampa rolls ATL 20-6, the newly-healthy Rams destroy the 49ers 31-3 after Nolan finally turns his best offensive weapon, Joe Nedney, loose.

I know I said last week I was never picking the Raiders again, but then two things happened: Adrian Peterson and Josh McCown both got hurt--although it looks like Daunte may have been starting anyway. Daunte leads the Raiders to a victory in the Humphrey Dome, only this time instead of pointing to his knee and flashing the OK sign after scoring, he pretends to row a boat.

Sllaacs Picks a Day Early this Week.

I just got this in my inbox. Hopefully nobody I work with reads this blog and notices what time the posts come.

Dearest John, Unrequited Love of My Life,

When did it all go wrong for the 49ers?

The end of the 2002 Season. Steve Mariucci was not resigned. They followed up this genius move at the end of 2003 by making the biggest blunder when Jeff Garcia was let go. After being blessed with 3 great QB's in a row (HOF'er, HOF'er, Pro-Bowler) we now have two of the same QB; a young Trent Dilfer and the real Trent Dilfer. The niners are screwed for the next two years, at least.

So basically, when John York - Super Dork - took over the team, the niners went to total shit while leaving thier offensive roots behind them - or allowing Mariucci to take them with him - where he lost them in Detroit - anyhow - ever heard of the
West Coast Offense? Consider maybe running that offense - the 49er offense - before you try changing a tradition and establishing some kind of smash-mouth, ball control offense - in California, no less! Smash-mouth is for cold weather teams - ancing up and down the football field like ballerinas is warm weather football. Al Davis still likes to throw deep - and always will. The 49ers should always be a West Coast Offense. Period.

As for the Raiders - I just don't know what to say, except this: as bad as they are offensively, the Niners are worse - so kiss my ass, my team sucks better than your team. At least S.F. can win the distinction of being THE WORST, while the Raiders will fade away to anonymity with their relatively less, total-suck-ass season.

Here are my picks:

Tampa Bay over Atlanta - 24-13. Atlanta is very bad - the Bucs are not.

Raiders beat Minnesota 9 - 6 - No A.P. too bad eh? But that's right, I'm predicting an all field goal game.

Rams will roll S.F. 38 - 16. Bulger and L.J. are back - the Rams may finish 6-10 this year.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sllaacs.