John's Picks

We should have done this a couple of days ago, and I was hoping dobolina would join Sllaacs, Dan and me by adding the Packers to our list of games, making it 4: 9ers, Raiders, Packers, and a random.

Let's do it anyway:

The 49ers suck. They're just awful. And the Cardinals are going to destroy them, 18-3. They get 3 because I like Nedney, and he's their whole offense.

Aaron Rodgers debuts as Favre's replacement against the Vikings in Monday Night's JV game. All I know is that Adrian Peterson had some dominant performances for me last year as my fantasy RB. With the Packers defense hurting, he will rush for 270 yards and 4 touchdowns, and beat the Packers 28-17.

Dan and I will be in the house Monday night for the Varsity matchup verse the Donkeys. I was there last year, and while the game is starting too late for us to take Lily this year, I'm expecting a similar result. Especially if the Denver training staff forgets to pack Cutler's insulin.

For the Random Game, let's go with the Jets vs. Miami. No matter what Lombardi says, Quentin Moses is not going to sack Brett Favre this weekend. Miami still sucks, even if they're no longer Tuna safe. Jets win 21-6.

Just a question, does the cover of Madden '09 qualify for Straight Cash Homey!?

Just

Nancy Gay's Arkansas Source Revealed; John's Picks

Soon after Steve here was taken into custody, he used his one phone call to call Nancy Gay and tell her how substantive the Lane Kiffin-to-Arkansas rumors were. "I remember that day USC put up a buncha points on my Hogs," Steve told her. "We thought they was just a buncha queers from Los Angeleez, but they put a asswhuppin' on us. My wife was so made she stabbed me in the face. That Lane Kiffin was a helluva play caller that day, tell ya what. If this asshole cop hadn'ta impounded my lawnmower I was on my way out there to personally recruit him."

Now that we've cleared that up, onto the picks.

On the one hand, Pittsburgh has some playmakers on both sides of the ball. On the other hand, they lost to Man-gina nd the Jets. I think they make that one mistake that hands the Patriots the game, 24-21.

Adrian Peterson is running for 230 yards and four touchdowns against the 49ers, helping the Vikings win the game 35-13, and Bubba Malaysia win his fantasy game 142.34 to 97.54.

I still have a lingering feeling of bliss leftover from last Sunday's trip to the Coliseum. I have to give a shout out here to Bill Simmons. He wrote a column last week about taking his two year-old daughter to her first NBA game, and what a great time they had together. I forwarded it to the Professor and she laughed her ass off, and said, "Let's take baby Lily to the Raiders game Sunday." We had planned to get a sitter and have an adult-knucklehead-fun-day, but when that fell through we weren't too disappointed. And if you saw the look of pure Joy on Lily's face in the pictures I posted the other day, you know we did the right thing. She's still talking about going "to the stadium see the Raiders play a football game!" She wants to go back this week, and didn't quite understand that they're playing in Wisconsin, until we explained to her that the Raiders had to fly on an airplane to get there. "Lily flies to Texas and California!" she said and I said "Just like that, only to Wisconsin," and she said, "Raiders fly to Wisconsin!" and then she asked for a cup of chocolate milk and for me to turn on her Thomas video.

So, I think the Raiders keep it going. 23-20.

Week 14 Picks: Sllaacs gets Dilfered

This was waiting for me in the CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY inbox:

Yo,

So the niner fans got kind of Dilfer-ed last week against the Panthers. I mean, we HOPED the Niners would be who they were against the Cards, but... Who cares at this point? No #1 pick for SF, besides the one they got from the Colts last year - and that's not exactly exciting. The Niners will lose to the Vikings, I say by 10.
24-14 Minnesota.

Raiders vs. the Packers. This one is in Green Bay - the fucking Tundra. Forget about it, Fargas may find it hard to run in subzero temperatures, and Oakland may get blown out here. I'm picking the Pack 31 - 13.

Patriots vs. Steelers. Based on the last two weeks, I'm going to pick against the Patsy's here. NE barely won thier last two, and Pitt is better than the Eagles. I think Big Ben gets it done - 35-27.

Go Dilfer, it's ya birf-day, Go Dilfer, It's ya birf-day...

Sllaacs

I'll be back with my picks and a wrap-up from Sunday, which still has me wearing a smile.

Daunte's Revenge, Numero Dos: John's Picks

I'm about to get on a plane for Texas, which is now the official CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY vacation destination of choice.

Anyway, Tampa rolls ATL 20-6, the newly-healthy Rams destroy the 49ers 31-3 after Nolan finally turns his best offensive weapon, Joe Nedney, loose.

I know I said last week I was never picking the Raiders again, but then two things happened: Adrian Peterson and Josh McCown both got hurt--although it looks like Daunte may have been starting anyway. Daunte leads the Raiders to a victory in the Humphrey Dome, only this time instead of pointing to his knee and flashing the OK sign after scoring, he pretends to row a boat.

Sllaacs Picks a Day Early this Week.

I just got this in my inbox. Hopefully nobody I work with reads this blog and notices what time the posts come.

Dearest John, Unrequited Love of My Life,

When did it all go wrong for the 49ers?

The end of the 2002 Season. Steve Mariucci was not resigned. They followed up this genius move at the end of 2003 by making the biggest blunder when Jeff Garcia was let go. After being blessed with 3 great QB's in a row (HOF'er, HOF'er, Pro-Bowler) we now have two of the same QB; a young Trent Dilfer and the real Trent Dilfer. The niners are screwed for the next two years, at least.

So basically, when John York - Super Dork - took over the team, the niners went to total shit while leaving thier offensive roots behind them - or allowing Mariucci to take them with him - where he lost them in Detroit - anyhow - ever heard of the
West Coast Offense? Consider maybe running that offense - the 49er offense - before you try changing a tradition and establishing some kind of smash-mouth, ball control offense - in California, no less! Smash-mouth is for cold weather teams - ancing up and down the football field like ballerinas is warm weather football. Al Davis still likes to throw deep - and always will. The 49ers should always be a West Coast Offense. Period.

As for the Raiders - I just don't know what to say, except this: as bad as they are offensively, the Niners are worse - so kiss my ass, my team sucks better than your team. At least S.F. can win the distinction of being THE WORST, while the Raiders will fade away to anonymity with their relatively less, total-suck-ass season.

Here are my picks:

Tampa Bay over Atlanta - 24-13. Atlanta is very bad - the Bucs are not.

Raiders beat Minnesota 9 - 6 - No A.P. too bad eh? But that's right, I'm predicting an all field goal game.

Rams will roll S.F. 38 - 16. Bulger and L.J. are back - the Rams may finish 6-10 this year.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sllaacs.

At Least Somebody's a Winner This Week

My fantasy football team, Bubba Malaysia, destroyed Dan's team (Ain't Skeered) by a score of 120.22-109.56. Yes, my fantasy team takes its name from what happens when you plug "John Sousa" into the Ron Mexico Name Generator. It's my ultimate disguise, in case I ever need treatment for Herpes and don't want the Professor to find out.

Bubba Malaysia, which was 2-23 at the same time the Raiders were, has now won 5 straight games and is the hottest team in the Yale Wives Club league (so named because the founders all had wives who went to Yale), thanks to Adrian Peterson's rookie dominance and switching from Carson Palmer to Ben Roethlisberger 4 games ago.

Now I'm facing the ultimate real team/fantasy team conundrum: do I hope Peterson is too hurt to play next week against the Raiders, because he's their only legitimate offensive threat (apparently that's one more than the Raiders possess), or do I hope he gets better because he is certain to gash the Raiders pourous run defense?

Anybody have any answers?