John's Picks: Cuz we're in the Spirit World, asshole. They can't see us!

Wow. Sllaacs comes up with some picks and a nice clip, although I prefer this longer version, because it has the quote in the title of this post.

Anyway, as exhibit A in why I protested the trade he's talking about, Marques Colston plays for New Orleans, so Eli Manning won't be throwing him jack shit in the New Texas Stadium, as evidenced in this clip reel:



See, Sllaacs doesn't even know what team his players play for, except that he knows Frank Gore plays for the 49ers. Anyone who doesn't know what team players play for is unqualified to manage a fantasy football team.

Anyway.

Dallas, who has Tony Romo, my fantasy quarterback, faces a tough game against the New York Football Giants. But I like Dallas. The Toddfather is going to be in the house this weekend, and he tells me that the Cowboys can't be beaten. Normally, this would be a reason to pick the Giants. But not this time. Cowboys 27, Giants 24.

The 49ers are going to lose to Seattle in the exact opposite of the score Sllaacs picked, 21-10.

And the Raiders, I don't care what anybody says, are a bandwagon pick this week for a reason. 24-14.

Done with Real Football

Having no control over the Raiders and even the Packers is extraordinarily frustrating and unrewarding. I do, however, have some control over my fantasy football team, and today, like Johnny, I'm in my league's championship game. So this week I will annoyingly put my picks in the context of my fantasy matchup with Alex the Hardworking Immigrant.

• Texans over Raiders - Andre Johnson will continue to carry my team (pro bowler Nnamdi won't cover him every down), but Alex will get good production out of DMC thanks to installation of the Darren Ratio. Zach Miller will finally get into the end zone for me and validate my coaching move to bench Shockey in his favor.
• Forty-Niners over Rams - that we are in the championship game should tell you we have no players involved in this one.
• Bears over Packers - the inconsistent Packers D will have a down day today for poor Alex.
• Giants over Carolina - weird. We don't have any of these guys.

Strangely, the most critical game of the day will be NO-DET, with Drew Brees and Kevin Smith on my side taking on Pierre Thomas on his. I do not happen to believe that this will be Detroit's first win of the season. We will also be watching San Diego. I'd like to see LT finally come through when it counts the most, while Rivers - possibly the most unlikable player in the NFL who isn't in jail at the moment - and Gates take it easy today. Maybe Norv will come back to Oakland next year as Raiders QB coach?

Could be Worse, Part II

Ike jacked up Reliant Stadium, causing the Texans/Ravens game to be postponed even past Monday night. Five pieces out of nine from the retractable roof just flat-out disappeared.

My fantasy squad is impacted, because I have Andre Johnson at WR (he put up some nice numbers in my win last week) and Baltimore as my D. I had to replace Johnson with newly un-suspended Brandon Marshall, who hopefully will be picketed by MADD on Sunday.

At Least Somebody's a Winner This Week

My fantasy football team, Bubba Malaysia, destroyed Dan's team (Ain't Skeered) by a score of 120.22-109.56. Yes, my fantasy team takes its name from what happens when you plug "John Sousa" into the Ron Mexico Name Generator. It's my ultimate disguise, in case I ever need treatment for Herpes and don't want the Professor to find out.

Bubba Malaysia, which was 2-23 at the same time the Raiders were, has now won 5 straight games and is the hottest team in the Yale Wives Club league (so named because the founders all had wives who went to Yale), thanks to Adrian Peterson's rookie dominance and switching from Carson Palmer to Ben Roethlisberger 4 games ago.

Now I'm facing the ultimate real team/fantasy team conundrum: do I hope Peterson is too hurt to play next week against the Raiders, because he's their only legitimate offensive threat (apparently that's one more than the Raiders possess), or do I hope he gets better because he is certain to gash the Raiders pourous run defense?

Anybody have any answers?