About that Hater of the Week...

Dan wrote a really great post the other day giving Lowell Cohn the HOTW award for his one-two punch evisceration of the Raiders in columns on Sunday and Monday.

Nobody takes the piss out of the Raiders like Lowell Cohn. I stand by it. And it's mainly because we know, deep down, that what he's writing is probably true, at least when it comes to writing about Al Davis. That's why it hurts so much.

But then came the news that Chaz Schilens, who had looked so good in camp, broke his foot.

And then came news that the league is investigating the Jawbreaker incident.

And now we get word that the offense this morning, in the joint practice with the 49ers, was an atrocity.

And Mike Florio at PFT gets to unleash his wit on the Raiders:

And regardless of whether Cable punched Hanson with a fist, threw him out of a chair, or went Bob DeNiro-as-Al Capone with a Louisville Slugger, Hanson suffered a fractured facial bone during his fracas with Cable.

And in discussing the beatdown the offense took this morning:

Raiders coach Tom Cable likely was frustrated enough to punch someone.

Or throw someone out of a chair.

Or maybe a little of both.

Har-dee-fucking-har. What's apparent now is that the real Hater of the Week isn't Lowell Cohn, or Mike Florio, or even Nancy Gay.

It's God.

That's right. That's the only thing it could be: God has cursed the Oakland Raiders. Otherwise, why would be suffering the football equivalent of the Egyptian plagues, in injuries, ridicule, and losses? The only thing left if is for God to strike down the first-born sons of every player and coach.

Tom Cable breaks Randy Hanson's Jaw?

Well, here we go. Just when I was getting excited, that irrational exuberance that Raiders fans get sometime between the start of free agency and opening night when everything comes crashing down.

Nancy Gay, who's been AWOL from her perch at the Chronicle since we re-named the Hater of the Week Award, now writes for AOL's NFL Fanhouse. And it's a doozy:

Two NFL sources have told FanHouse the attacker was Raiders' first-year head coach Tom Cable, and "that Hanson never saw it coming."

So, Tom Cable sucker-punched the guy Lance Famously tried to fire right before Al broke the overhead projector, breaking his jaw. Outstanding.

I personally agree with Greg Rosenthal at PFT, who nominates "CABLE, BUMAYE!" as the 2009 Raiders Slogan.

Apparently that's what the players were chanting before practice. Nancy Gay, in one of the lamest sentences I've read, writes,

Earlier, as players took the practice field they were heard chanting "Cable Bumaye!" (Cable Kill Him) -- a reference to the infamous chant made famous by boxing fans in Zaire when Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the 8th round during the Rumble in the Jungle fight in 1974.

Thanks for the history lesson. Meanwhile, Mike Florio reports that Tom Cable told Mark Schlereth that nothing happened:

During halftime of the Panthers-Giants game on ESPN, Chris Berman relayed some info from Mark Schlereth.

Schlereth says he has spoken to Raiders coach Tom Cable, and that Cable claims "nothing happened" between himself and assistant coach Randy Hanson.

If true (and for now we're not inclined to think it is), that would directly contradict the report from Nancy Gay of FanHouse, who wrote earlier tonight that it was Cable who cold-cocked Hanson earlier this month, sending Hanson to the hospital.

Ouch.

Renaming the Hater of the Week Award

I was checking various reactions to the Nmamdi and Lechler signings, when I came across Nancy Gay's dispatch from the Scouting Combine about Tom Cable. It really is remarkable, and you should read the whole thing. Here are some money quotes:

Cable believes in building through the draft and not free agency. It just so happens that the Raiders' punter and cornerback who just won the NFL lottery this week were Oakland draft selections.

That's a nice change for the Raiders. They were bound to overspend in free agency anyway. At least now they did it with home-grown, known quantities.

And there's this:

As a former college coach and a longtime position coach, Cable always has enjoyed breaking down game film on players. It's a discipline that not all NFL head coaches employ. But the good ones - Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells - tend to relish doing it.

"For example, as an offensive-line coach, I've always made my own (video) cutups," Cable said. "One of the things that works for me in Oakland, I like to break down each kid over and over."

Like Belichick, Cable will even go back and look at how a potential draft pick performed in high school. For example, after a good or bad game, who did he seek out first: his parents or his posse?

"You put your stock in this: How they prepared themselves for this? Are they in shape? Did they improve themselves physically? You get a chance to talk to them face to face," Cable said of his combine experience this week.

The Raiders already knew what they had in Lechler and Asomugha. Now it's up to Cable to find the next slam dunk draft picks for the Raiders, and you get the sense he has a good idea how to do that.

I mean, wow. I know she's not saying, "Tom Cable is the next Bill Belichick." But this is a downright rosy assessment of the Raiders' offseason so far, and practically glowing prose about Coach Cable.

Dan always likes to say that the best time to be a Raiders fan is in the offseason. This year it's especially true.

And the Hater of the Week Award is no longer named after Nancy Gay.

Nancy, Jerry Heart JaMarcus.

Nancy Gay says, "LET THE BIG DOG EAT," while Jerry Mac says "Russell's got what it takes."

They both point to the play in which Suggs jacked him up. He got up, gave Suggs a slap on the ass, and went right back to it.

Maybe there's hope after all.

Nancy Gay: Meltdown.

The most shocking thing she reports is that Al only has three advisors he listens to anymore: Knockout John Herrera, P.R. Manager Mike Taylor (helluva job this week, Mikey!), and Raiders general council Jeff Birren. Even Amy Trask is out, according to Nancy.

That's just ridiculous. I mean, even the Lions finally fired Matt Millen this morning. And we're stuck with Al and his three stooges. It makes a little sense, actually, since Al went to the same high school as Moe Howard.

Was Herrera Art Shell's "Fox in the Henhouse?"

There are a lot of good takes on what went on today. Kawakami, seen in the video almost getting punched by John Herrera. USF MFA in Writing professor Lowell Cohn (I know you'd never guess by reading this blog, but I'm a student in that program) has a good one, seeing as how he was being slandered by Herrera, too.

I first read about this, and saw the video, at Jason Jones' blog. But it was an earlier post by Jones that intrigued me more, where he wrote this:

There was some mention last week of a Raider employee handing out a copy of an article to writers that was critical of Kiffin.

You want to know why that's a big deal? Remember when Art Shell was mad a couple of years ago about a team employee undermining him? It's the same thing.

That was the Raider employee in question yelling "that's not true" when a question was asked referencing articles being passed out to writers.

So is he saying that Herrera was the infamous "Fox in the Henhouse?" I always thought he was talking about Lombardi. In fact, Bill Soliday wrote that Herrera was included on a list of people that Art was NOT talking about in November 2006. So maybe Art was bamboozled into thinking it was Lombardi (by the way, whoever it was doing the undermining, him and Tom Walsh deserved it; they were flat-out horrible) when really it was Herrera? Or does he just mean that it's the same type of deal: Instead of Lombardi leaking about Shell to the media, Herrera leaking dirt on Kiffin?

Either way, what's lost in all of this is Kiffin's answers in the press conference about whether or not he's quitting. I know Jerry wrote about it (while leaving out the fight; maybe he wasn't there, although Herrera seems to complain about him, too). Here's the quote:

“There’s no way I’m quitting, and that’s got nothing to do with money, at all,” Kiffin said. “That has to do with our players. I talked a lot of these players into coming here at some point - obviously, money has a lot to do with that - in free agency over the last two years. A lot of our coaches, I recruited them and their families to come here and build this thing together. So the last thing I’m ever gonna do is quit, the way that you guys are talking about quitting or even quit behind closed doors, as far as my energy or my passion towards getting this thing turned around.

“Because I believe we can turn this thing around. And there’s a lot of good things going the right direction, and I think we’re gonna turn it around.”

Watch the video. Tell me he's not sincere.

UPDATE: I swear, I was going to title a post "As the Raiders Turn" before Nancy did, only when I went to blog about the video, Dan was already all over it. Why would she say "a Raiders employee," when the video is everywhere, and everyone knows it's Herrera?

Speculation Nation

The only word on Kiffin's status that came out of Alameda today was from Kiffin himself, although you wouldn't know it from the Monday Q&A posted to raiders.com.

"He (Al, a.k.a. "the owner") has a decision to make. It does me no good to worry about it right now."

But after Corkran dropped the "He's not the guy I hired" report and Nancy added a little "He (Rob Ryan) took responsibility - Unlike the head coach" to the fire, we await the news.

Will he be fired by morning, Al having long ago made up his mind and finally satisfied that he has the goods to claim breach of contract? Will it be during the bye week, after two difficult games that might provide both football cause and an extra week to make the transition? Or will this morph into some crazy Al power trip whereby he figures he's taught Lance a lesson?

Corkran's next bit of insight is this: "He (Al, who else) isn't bound to anyone's timeline." Will he really fire Kiffin after a big win at Arrowhead? Did Ned Yost think he would be fired today?

Keep the Drama Coming.

We should be talking about Darren McFadden's coming out party and how badly we pummelled the Chiefs today.

Jerry McDonald has a must-read column about Kiffin's week and how he's unfazed by the questions of his job description, and how even after all the hullabaloo, the defense played some Kiffin ball, bringing blitzes and pressure all day.

Jason Jones writes in his wrap-up that he has a source telling him Kiffin would keep his job if they won today, but he still can't guess what will happen. He has a great quote from Nmamdi calling the talk "redundant," since he's had four head coaches in his six years. He's got to be the smartest player since Steve Young.

And then here comes Nancy Gay throwing a big bucket of gasoline on the fire. Apparently Rob Ryan will be the coach, maybe by the end of next week. The defensive staff has circled the wagons and wants Lance out of the building, pronto. And she predicts that Davis is going to give Lance a good assfucking, Shanahan-style, by citing insubordination and claiming breach of contract due to his sassy mouth. She also rounds out the Nmamdi quote; needless to say, he doesn't approve. Isn't that why he came to camp on time, because he liked the direction the club was headed?

"I think it would hurt us a lot. We're just starting to gel and starting to do things well, so I think that would kind of mess things up. I hope that's not the talk. Is it?"

Stay tuned...

Nothing beats being a Raiders fan, huh?

Nancy Gay is Right.

Normally, I would write a post joking that this is the kind of column that made her the "Hater of the Week" namesake.

But I was at the game the other night with Dan. And at some point, when the score was 27-0 (maybe it was just before then), Dan turned to me and said, "You know, we're just going to have to wait it out until Al dies."

And I hate feeling like this. Every year--and I have the email archive to prove it--Dan and I and a couple of other Raiders fans we know get ourselves all worked up into an optimistic lather. And every year we're disappointed. You'd think we'd learn.

But we love this team. That's why we spend $81.20 for nosebleed seats, where the most exciting action in the game was the fight in section 324, causing the Professor to coin a new term, "Silver-on-Black Crime." It's why we spend hundreds of dollars at the Raider Image, leading Mike Ditka to say, "These have got to be the greatest fans in the world, putting up with this."

What we have to put up with is a defense that can't cover anyone, but makes up for it by not being able to tackle. An offensive that can't block, and receivers that can't catch. JaMarcus Russell, I'm convinced, could be an all time great. He has all the tools. But I'm terrified that Kiffin will be fired, replaced by someone else who will the change the system and lose 13 games, to be replaced by someone else, etc., etc, until JaMarcus and Darren McFadden are considered busts because they never got to play in the same system with the same coaches for longer than a season and half.

It's bullshit.

John Clayton: No Coach on a Hotter Seat than Kiffin

In his article on training camp controversies that don't involve Chad Johnson or Brett Favre, John Clayton writes, "No coach is on a hotter seat than Kiffin."

That may or may not be true; if Nancy Gay wrote this article, it would say how cocky Lane Kiffin is, and he'll probably be leaving to become the Head Coach at Panhandle State, and Al Davis is a doddering old spendthrift jackass.

Anyway, what I like best about this article is the picture from Lance Kiffin's introductory press conference of Al leaning forward as he strains to rip a big fart.:

Lance is clearly entertained. I mean, who doesn't find flatulence funny?

McFadden Signs!

About six weeks ago I called out King Kaufman from salon.com for implying that JaMarcus Russell is going to be a bust because he missed all of training camp last year. Kaufman, clearly slumming, posted a comment on that post defending himself against the charges that he's from the Nancy Gay school of "The Raiders are Assholes" sports journalism.

And to be fair, he made a good point, because nobody was more irritated than I was when JaMarcus didn't sign until the 2nd week of the season.

The Raiders seem to have figured this stuff out, though. McFadden signed late last night for $26 Million guaranteed.

I have the same conversation with Dan every summer. It goes something like:

"Dude, I'm trying not to get too excited, but looking at the roster I feel like
some good things are going to happen this year. We got Warren Sapp!"

"I mean, I hate Randy Moss, but when I close my eyes, all I see is Touchdowns. You telling me Norv can't draw up some routes? Kerry Collins does have that gun."

"I'm talking myself into Art Shell. You know, he got a raw deal, and Al always said the only mistake he ever made was firing Art."

"Yeah, and Aaron Brooks is athletic. He got a bad rap in New Orleans, plus with the hurricane.."

But maybe, just maybe, this year is different.

Back-to-Back SEC Offensive Players of the Year in back-to-back drafts. A good, young coach. There are so many reasons to be excited.

We'll just have to wait for Nancy to tell us why we shouldn't be.

King Kaufman is a Hater

King Kaufman writes about Jake Long's contract with Miami, and compares it to what happened to JaMarcus Russell last year:

That's a step down from last year's No. 1 contract, which guaranteed Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell as much as $32 million if he reaches certain milestones. But the more important difference is the timing. Russell held out for all of training camp and the exhibition season, finally signing in September. His rookie season was almost a total loss. Long signed before he was even drafted, and he'll be present at the first workout.

Skipping your first NFL training camp while haggling over a few million dollars -- out of dozens of millions on the table -- is a good way to get yourself into this photo gallery, part of Sports Illustrated's fabulous new online archive, known as the S.I. Vault.

The photo gallery of which he writes is a list of the Top 21 Draft Busts of all time.

Now, plenty of local sportswriters (although I believe Kaufman also lives in the Bay Area) have made this comparison, but so far none of them have suggested flat out that JaMarcus is going to be a bust. Even Nancy Gay--while she does get in another fat joke--stops short of suggesting JaMarcus is going to be a bust.

King's just lucky Sal Paolantonio wrote a stupid-ass column this week, or might have won our award.

Sllaacs Scoop Salacious Story

As Sllaacs pointed out yesterday, Nancy Gay had a good write-up in the Chronicle about Kiffin's press conference during the NFL Owners meetings in Florida.

Both Jerry McDonald (here and here) and Jason Jones (here) covered this, but it looks like the Chronicle is the only local paper to send an actual writer to the event, so props to them. (Jerry McDonald referred to getting the information from a stringer, Walter Villa. That article is good, too.)

Prior to Nancy's column, the best coverage of the press conference was done by ESPN.com's Bill Williamson, both in the Hashmarks blog and in a regular article.

All of these articles put together make me very happy. Espn.com even has a special "Lane Kiffin" section in rotation on it's front page with Williamson's article, which Kiffin "Sounds like a coach in control."

Speculation? Kiffin says, regarding the rumors, that "where there's smoke, there's fire." And maybe Kiffin really was close to becoming the latest ex-head coach of the Oakland Raiders at some point in the last three months. But what I think happened is that Al and Kiffin had a Frank Exchange of Views at some point. Kiffin said he wanted something (a new defensive coordinator maybe) and Al said "no, you can't have one, you went 4-12," and Kiffin said "it's in my contract, you crypt-keeper looking vampire motherfucker," and Al said, "Here's a letter of resignation, sign it and don't the let the door hit you on the way out, you shit-heel, ungrateful little prick." Lance didn't want to lose $4 Million, so he stayed, and they worked it out.

Along with some new additions, and JaMarcus looking good....I'm excited for the season.

The Nancy Gay Memorial Hater of the Week: Jeffri Chadiha

He is as clumsy as he is stupid.

I mean, Wow. This is so shocking, I seriously considered renaming the NGMHOTW Award the Jeffri Chadia Hater of the Week Award. From today's column on what teams that missed the playoffs need to do to make them next year, where he points out the obvious (re-sign Nmamdi and Huggy Jr., improve the defense) but then concludes:

The reality, however, is that none of these moves would ensure the Raiders a chance of moving up in the NFL ranks. They don't have enough talent or direction, and that will always be their undoing. It's too bad, really, because head coach Lane Kiffin really believes he can make a difference in that franchise. Eventually, like most of his predecessors, he'll realize he can't.

Are you shitting me? Even Ira Miller says that now that we know Kiff is staying, it's a good thing because he's onto something, especially if he can convince Mr. Davis to hire his old man as DC. Now Ira doesn't have a lot of hope that Lane can get Al to hire his pops, but at least he acknowledges that he is making a difference. Seems to me like Chadiha is calling Lane delusional.

Congratulations, Mr. Chadiha, you asshole. You're the 2nd winner of the quasi-weekly Nancy Gay Memorial Hater of the Week award. Prizes include the wishes of hundreds of Raiders fans that your wife cheats on you with Mike Shanahan and gives you a blistering case of genital herpes, and if you ever get a chance to interview Al Davis via satellite video, he will force choke you Admiral Ozzel-style.

I mean, seriously, bro. Your lack of faith is disturbing.

Nancy Gay's Arkansas Source Revealed; John's Picks

Soon after Steve here was taken into custody, he used his one phone call to call Nancy Gay and tell her how substantive the Lane Kiffin-to-Arkansas rumors were. "I remember that day USC put up a buncha points on my Hogs," Steve told her. "We thought they was just a buncha queers from Los Angeleez, but they put a asswhuppin' on us. My wife was so made she stabbed me in the face. That Lane Kiffin was a helluva play caller that day, tell ya what. If this asshole cop hadn'ta impounded my lawnmower I was on my way out there to personally recruit him."

Now that we've cleared that up, onto the picks.

On the one hand, Pittsburgh has some playmakers on both sides of the ball. On the other hand, they lost to Man-gina nd the Jets. I think they make that one mistake that hands the Patriots the game, 24-21.

Adrian Peterson is running for 230 yards and four touchdowns against the 49ers, helping the Vikings win the game 35-13, and Bubba Malaysia win his fantasy game 142.34 to 97.54.

I still have a lingering feeling of bliss leftover from last Sunday's trip to the Coliseum. I have to give a shout out here to Bill Simmons. He wrote a column last week about taking his two year-old daughter to her first NBA game, and what a great time they had together. I forwarded it to the Professor and she laughed her ass off, and said, "Let's take baby Lily to the Raiders game Sunday." We had planned to get a sitter and have an adult-knucklehead-fun-day, but when that fell through we weren't too disappointed. And if you saw the look of pure Joy on Lily's face in the pictures I posted the other day, you know we did the right thing. She's still talking about going "to the stadium see the Raiders play a football game!" She wants to go back this week, and didn't quite understand that they're playing in Wisconsin, until we explained to her that the Raiders had to fly on an airplane to get there. "Lily flies to Texas and California!" she said and I said "Just like that, only to Wisconsin," and she said, "Raiders fly to Wisconsin!" and then she asked for a cup of chocolate milk and for me to turn on her Thomas video.

So, I think the Raiders keep it going. 23-20.

The Inaugural CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY Nancy Gay Memorial Hater of the Week Award

I was reading The Sporting Green in the Chronicle this morning while riding BART. Ray Ratto had a clever column asking Roger Goodell to step in and help fix our two struggling Bay Area teams by combining them. Then I got to Dan's Favorite Football Writer's column on the elite teams of the NFL. It was informative; I learned a lot of new things about what's going on around the league. Who knew that Vince Young needed to be defended by his coach? I didn't get that info from ESPN.

Then, in her last item, she took an incredibly cheap shot:

-- Interesting e-mail of the week: I posed this question last weekend to an NFL general manager - why has Steelers rookie coach Mike Tomlin, 35, shown himself to be a more confident, commanding, respected leader than Raiders coach Lane Kiffin, 32?

Talent aside (particularly at the quarterback position), the GM summed up the difference in a surprisingly succinct way: "Because Mike Tomlin was prepared for the Steelers' job and Lane Kiffin was given the Raiders' job."

This general manager has a point. Tomlin had been the Buccaneers' defensive backs coach from 2001 through '05 and the Vikings' defensive coordinator in '06. He had NFL credibility that his players instantly respected.

Kiffin had been USC's offensive coordinator and shared play-calling duties with Trojans assistant head coach Steve Sarkisian - Al Davis' first choice for the job - in 2005-'06. Before that, he was a position coach on offense at Fresno State, Colorado State and USC, where he also had recruiting coordinator responsibilities.

In retrospect, Kiffin's greatest selling point to the beaten-down Raiders' players was that he wasn't Art Shell.

Really? Which GM did she ask? Isiah Thomas?

Talent aside?

Talent aside?

One more time:

TALENT ASIDE?!

Has anyone ever heard the phrase "Making chicken salad out of chicken shit?" Because what Lane Kiffin's been asked to do in the job he's been "given" is make chicken salad out of bat guano.

The Steelers are a team a year removed from winning the SUPER BOWL. The only key contributor not still on that team is locker room-cancer Joey Porter.

The Raiders haven't won more than 5 games in 5 years now. The only player on the team who played there when the Raiders were good is Barry "False Start" Simms.

So how could talent just be pushed aside when asking that question? I'm not saying Lane Kiffin is a better coach than Omar Epps or anything like that. I'm just saying that Vince Lombardi couldn't win more than 6 games with this Raiders team as currently constructed. Hell, Al Davis circa 1963 couldn't win more than 6 games with this team.

Give the kid a break. He's got Mono. He's trying to rebuild not just a team's talent but an entire culture of losing that goes back at least five years. He was "given" the job because Nobody Else Would Touch it with a Ten Foot Pole. At least nobody whose previous job wasn't turning down sheets in a bed and breakfast.

So congratulations, Nancy. The CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY is naming a new award in your honor:

The CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY Nancy Gay Memorial Hater of the Week Award.

This weeks winner of the inaugural CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY Nancy Gay Hater of the Week Award is:

Nancy Gay

Congratulations, Nancy. You've just been named the winner of the CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY Nancy Gay Memorial Hater of the Week Award. Prizes include scorn heaped upon your head by the members of the Raider Nation, Al Davis never ever saying at your funeral, "Time never stops for the great ones, we give them the CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY," and the wishes of hundreds that you get a parking ticket.