Stay classy, Lance

Donkeys Smack-Down of the Week, Part II.

Wow. Everyone is piling on the Broncos this week. Josh McDaniels seems to have been singled out especially. Check out Rick Reilly, Denver resident:

Years from now, the Cutler Catastrophe will go down as the dumbest thing in Boy Blunder's very short coaching career. By then, perhaps he will be your waiter at Olive Garden.

That smarts, doesn't it? We kind of went through this here with Lance, only he wasn't a Belichik/Pioli protege. He was just an egomaniacal Boy Blunder.

Thanksgiving Hangover Picks

So, Lance gets a new job. Jerry breaks down the Tennessee rumors. That seems to me like a much higher profile position than I expected him to get. I was thinking more like a lower-tier Pac-10 job. Anyway, good luck with that, buddy. If you thought working with Al was weird, at least he doesn't have a Body Farm in Alameda. At least that we know of. By the way, Mary Roach wrote an excellent book called Stiff that gives the Body Farm its own chapter.

You know what? I'm feeling optimistic this week. I don't know if this has less to do with the Raiders thumping Denver last week or the fact the Chefs are really, really bad. But I think we win one this week, and match last year's win total a week earlier in the season. Raiders 34, Chiefs 17.

As my father in-law informed this evening at dinner, the Buffalo Bills have the biggest offensive line in the National Football League. "You know John, I got into an argument with that goddamned nephew of Adeline's, old Ron, when he tried to tell me Dallas had the biggest line in the league. I said, 'Bullshit, Ron. Buffalo's line averages 332." You know what, I looked that shit up, and he's right. 332.2, to be exact. Anyway, the 9ers pass rush is not that great. So Buffalo wins, 28-13.

The Packers got their asses whupped in New Orleans last Monday night. This week, at home against Carolina, I think they win. 24-19.

So, for the last game, I'm picking Denver to continue their suckage against the Jets this weekend. 48-14.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Lance Kiffin Update.

Because it's a slow news week, Raiders-wise. Lance filed his grievance yesterday. Al's response:

The Oakland Raiders received Mr. Kiffin's grievance today. It is a short letter that:

_ Completely ignores the fact that Mr. Kiffin repeatedly made reckless statements that attacked players, assistant coaches and the owner of the team and were damaging to the Raiders organization.

_ Does not dispute that Mr. Kiffin made a number of false statements to the media that were damaging to the Raiders organization.

_ The grievance attaches Mr. Kiffin's signed contract but ignores the provisions that explicitly stated that all of his duties were "all subject to the direction and supervision of the general partner" of the Raiders and also ignores the provisions of his contract that required him to avoid any conduct "which would embarrass, discredit or disgrace" the Raiders. Mr. Kiffin failed to honor his contract.

_ Ignores completely an NFL resolution that was expressly incorporated into every coach's contract and that states that every coach: "Shall have an obligation to communicate openly and candidly with the principal owner and/or his designated representative to ensure that club ownership is informed on a complete and timely basis of all matters affecting the club's operations, to respect the authority and responsibility of ownership to make decisions on behalf of the club and to avoid actions that undermine or damage the club's reputation or operating success." Mr. Kiffin violated each and every provision of this resolution through 2008.

_ Mr. Kiffin's false statements to the media were conveyed to the fans and the team further damaging the reputation and good will of the Raiders organization.

Mr. Kiffin was terminated for cause. The grievance is without merit.

I like that the contract stipulated that no actions be taken that could "embarrass, discredit, or disgrace" the Oakland Raiders.

So tell me, again, why Herrera is still working for the Raiders?

Now What?

So last week happened. Lane Kiffin is still texting JaMarcus, and he appreciates it. I wonder if Al will have John Herrera text JaMarcus Lowell Cohn's blog post about Kiffin being a poor judge of the real estate market. He should.

I saw John Clayton on SportsCenter this afternoon. I can't find a link, because I'm exhausted. But he said that we should get to see Jammy unleash that gun a little more, like we saw when he struck downfield to Zach Miller against the Chargers. He said it has to do with Greg Knapp. He called that play while Lance was drawing up 76-yard field goal attempts.

I can't wait to see that. I especially can't wait to see Jason Whitlock choke on the 37 'Lil Debbie Football Brownies he's just jammed in his big, fat, mouth when he sees JaMarcus unleash his first of many 300 yard, 4 TD passing games. What dickhead.

Sllaacs' Mom Provoked My CyberStalker; Picks.

I'm still pretty sure that the guy trying to get his flame war on me is my brother, who didn't know who Lance Kiffin was. Although, when I read it out loud to him, he laughed and said he didn't write it but wished he had. Still, he's the only one who so lovingly calls me "DickFace."

I feel like I need to mention Bill Simmons today, because he brings up the NFL.com "Every Day is Like Sunday" commercials. Which I wrote about almost a month ago. Wow, I beat one of my heroes to the punch, which means absolutely nothing. It's also relevant because he has the Bye week beating the Raiders (though not by as much as it's beating the Rams), has some funny-ish reader emails about which Hollywood monster Al Davis most resembled at the press conference, and says that we Raiders fans get a Stomach Punch because Tom Cables record as Head Coach at the University of Idaho was 11-35. Anyway, that's more games in the span of 3 years than we've one the last three, so it's an improvement, right?

As for Sllaacs saying that Cable should keep to Lance's plan, does that include the weekly "Tell The Truth Mondays," or what Al Davis referred to as Flat Out Lying? Because that would be awesome.

On to the picks:

Niners vs. Patriots. I really, really hope that Patrick Willis catches Randy Moss coming over the middle. Oh, right, Randy doesn't go over the middle. Oh well. The 49ers win. 17-14.

Packers vs. Falcons. Is Aaron Rodgers even playing? Still feeling good about trading the Indestructable Brett Favre now? Rodgers is the man of Glass. Falcons, and Bubba Malaysia's All Star Running back Michael Turner run the shit out of the Packers, 29-13. Seems like Turner busts out ever two weeks, so he's due.

Bufalo goes to 4-0 with a 27-14 Win over AZ. Is Matt Leinert still on that team?

By the way CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY would like to thank Al Davis, Lane Kiffin, the NFL, Tim Kawakami, John Herrera, and Morrissey for the month of September, which I just noticed was our most prolific month since our inception, with a total of 116 posts.

Clayton: Al Interviews Lance's Replacements

Here we go again. Yawn.

What a dump truck organization.

Okay, Then.

So Lance is still employed, and not commenting on any conversations he may or may not have or have had with Al Davis.

Meanwhile, Lowell Cohn laid out the case why Kiffin should be fired: because he's not a good coach. He's a dead man walking.

Gary Peterson goes with the soft bigotry of low expectations, says Kiffin deserves to keep his job and finish turning this around.

Ratto handicaps the situation. Ostler calls Al a "Drama Queen."

Meanwhile, the Rams have shit-canned Scott Linehan and hired Jim Haslett as their coach. So somewhere, somebody did something.

Well, That Happened.

After tying the game at 18, the Chargers got a field goal to make it 21-18. We went 4 and out, and then LaDanian took it to the house on 2nd down. So as the Professor changes the channel to watch her Mr. Jessica Simpson vs. Washington, I'm left feeling ambivalent.

On the one hand, we played really hard and really well. JaMarcus made some strides. Defense and special teams dominated at times. Let's just imagine that Fargas was available to play today. We put together some first downs, the defense isn't on the field for the entire 2nd half, and maybe this game turns out differently.

On the other hand, we lost. Again. 10th straight game we lost to San Diego. Kiffin is most likely going to be fired in the next 45 minutes, and the revolving door at the coaching position starts spinning again.

Who cares that this team is playing hard, and at times looked like a real, competitive NFL team today. No, what matters is that Lane Kiffin is Not the Guy Al Hired.

So good luck, James Lofton, or Rob Ryan, or Jim Fassel, or I don't know, fucking Goldie Hawn.

Whatever.

Who the Fuck is Randy Hanson? Also, John's Picks.

Good job by Dan and Sllaacs keeping up the blog while I've been out of action. I think all of the stupidity of the last week made me sick.

Anyway, so just what the Raiders the morning of a game with a division rival: More controversy. Some guy named Randy Hanson was suspended by Lance after the Monday Night Debacle of September 8 after he was overheard saying, "It's a good thing that Shanahan didn't have our players, or else he would have beaten us 1,000-0."

So now he's the latest assistant coach to come out and call Lance a liar, and what with all the injuries, I'll be shocked if we keep the game within 30 points today. The only inflection we're likely to see or hear is in Al's voice when he speaks to the media this week, if he was telling Corkran the truth. on thisAt least that will be interesting. Chargers win, 42-10.

Jerry has more on this, saying that Kiffin's big mistake was in not talking to Al before trying to fire Rob, etc, which is the same shit Shanny did 20 years ago when he tried to purge his staff of Art Shell and Tom Walsh. We all know how that ended up.

Again, I'm not saying Kiffin is the 2nd coming of Bill Walsh. He's clearly not. He's also probably a hypocrite, as Peterson argues so persuasively. But anyone who thinks he's the only, or even the main problem, is in denial. Deep, crushing, unhealthy denial.

The 49ers are playing pretty good football. It could be a shoot out in the dome. I like the 9ers, actually, 31-28.

I like Tampa over the Packers, in a squeaker, 17-14. Maybe even OT. Raiders fans will watch, wistfully, remembering what it was like to have a well-coached football team.

Jets-Cardinals. Maybe there's something to this trade speculation of Jerry's. I would trade every receiver who is not a rookie, and next years (likely Top-5) for Anquan Boldin. Do it NBA-style, so the cap numbers match. But that's just me. I'm weird, I want JaMarcus to be successful.

Oh. Cardinals win after they return 3 Favre INTs for six. I'd a double-bagged.

That's Not Funny, Bill.

Just thinking out loud? Let's hope that's all it is, because this kind sick joke/speculation that Williamson came up with in between writing Denver Broncos press releases is exactly the kind of thing Al would do at this point.

I mean, Dan brought it up in comments, but I know he was joking.

Nancy Gay: Meltdown.

The most shocking thing she reports is that Al only has three advisors he listens to anymore: Knockout John Herrera, P.R. Manager Mike Taylor (helluva job this week, Mikey!), and Raiders general council Jeff Birren. Even Amy Trask is out, according to Nancy.

That's just ridiculous. I mean, even the Lions finally fired Matt Millen this morning. And we're stuck with Al and his three stooges. It makes a little sense, actually, since Al went to the same high school as Moe Howard.

Has Lane Kiffin Been Fired?

Per Mikey, in the comments, here's where we can find out.

Adam Treu Breaks it Down.

Adam Treu sends a shout out to those of us obsessed with the glorious debacle that is the Oakland Raiders, gently urging us to back away from the ledge. (h/t Jerry.) Treu wants to ask ourselves these questions:

Have I wished the owner dead? Have I threatened to pummel Kiffin into a lifeless, bloody heap? Did I say if given the chance, I’d take a tube sock and a roll of nickels to Rob Ryan’s temple? Do I find myself surprised and/or disappointed by personal fouls and (alleged) DUI’s? Have I screamed at a player/fellow fan/family member/pet so violently I needed a Zoloft, a bourbon and my blankie?

I figured it would be fun to take them one by one:

Have I wished the owner dead? Yes. I'm not proud of it. I've also compared him to a woman in a persistent vegetative state.

Have I threatened to pummel Kiffin? No.

Tube Sock full of nickels to Ryan's temples? No, but that's a great image. And I wonder if it would work.

Surprised/disappointed by Personal Fouls/DUIs? No, and kind of. I think if you're surprised at these things from this group you're not really paying attention. Maybe that's the point.

Screamed at anyone so violently I need a Zoloft/bourbon/my blankie? I've screamed at the TV. And at a pet, but not because of the Raiders, but because they mess with skunks and/or are in general disgusting and disobedient.

But Treu's advice to find something else to love is well-taken. This is a freakshow. As Dan says, it's like learning to love the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. Let's blow it up.

Glazer, Mort: Kiffin is Fired.

Jay Glazer got the scoop. Mort also heard that, but says the details aren't forthcoming. Glazer doesn't have many details, either, and notes that we heard the same thing last week.

Also, in the tradition of Bill Simmons, can we officially say that Al is rocking the Terri Schiavo face, and induct it into the Pantheon?

Al Davis.

Terri Schiavo.

I was probably going to hell anyway.

What About Those Timeouts?

Dan's favorite broadcaster and Chester McGlockton (wearing Craig Sager's tie) were discussing why Kiffin didn't use one of the 2 timeouts he had before that last field goal.

And it's a good question, although not necessarily for the reasons they were talking about.

I thought at the very least he could have tried to pull a Shanahan.

Maybe Lance really has given up.

Rex Sets Us Back; John's Picks

Picked up an SF Weekly to read while I was having lunch today, and turned to the cover story about two homeless junkies who go to SF State. "Oh, this seems interesting," I said to myself and then opened to page 11 where there was a full page picture of Rex getting ready to cook up, holding his cell phone between his teeth. On his cell phone is a sticker: A Raiders shield.I'm starting to understand how the Cavemen feel every time they see a GEICO ad. First tigers, now junkies. I'm getting sick of how the media portrays us.Anyway, on to this weeks picks, courtesy of Sllaacs Brand HaterAde:I like the Cowboys as well. Just as an aside, punk ass DeSean Jackson cost me a bunch of fantasy points by throwing the ball away before he crossed the plane of the goal line the other night. Not because I have him, but because I have Donovan McNabb. Instead of a touchdown pass, McNabb handed the ball to Westbrook who got a rushing TD. Knock that shit off, DeSean. Cowboys win a close one, 31-28.I agree with Sllaacs that Detroit sucks balls, too. 49ers win 13-12, all defensive touchdowns and field goals.Ah, the Raiders. Who knows at this point. Bufalo is alledgedly pretty good, and our top two running backs are injured. So we lose, again, 36-14. Only Kiffin isn't fired; instead the Raiders pass out Nancy Gay's Monday column dissing Kiffin's playcalling to the media before Norv Turner's conference call.

P.S.: Mike Lombardi is on the BS Report today. They get into the Raiders situation about the 21 or 22 minute mark. Interesting tidbit: he blames the Tampa Blowout in Super Bowl XXXVII in part on only having 1 week between the championship round and the Super Bowl instead of the usual two. He also jokes that they would hope Al's players would get hurt so they could get them out of there and play the guys they wanted because it made them better. He also says Lance had no chance, because A.) he was a college CO-offensive coordinator with no NFL experience and B.) the Raiders are the weirdest organization in sports, and have been weird since Barrett went missing in TJ.

Keep Kiffin?

Jason Jones has a link on his page to keepkiffin.com, where you can sign a petition urging Al Davis to keep Lane Kiffin as the head coach.

I like the idea of the fans ensuring their voices are heard, and I'm not even necessarily opposed to boycotts to force Al to stop being an idiot. I'm just not sure that keeping Lance Kiffin is a cause worth fighting for.

I know he said the other day that he doesn't want to be here. But do you really think if Al called him into the office, put a 5-year, $15 Million contract extension in front of him with hiring/firing power and every thing he says he wants, that he'd sign it?

I don't. This well is poisoned. It's a tribute to Kiffin's personality that so many of these young players (I'm thinking specifically of Nmamdi and JaMarcus--as much as I love Kirk Morrison, he's the Baghdad Bob of the Raiders defense) have bought into his system, and played through the distractions last week. I know the Chiefs are garbage, but this team had every reason and excuse to show up and get blown out. The Norv Turner Raiders of 2005 might have. The Art Shell Raiders of 2006 definitely would have. These guys didn't. Still, after all of the ridiculousness of this past week, there's no way Lance can remain the coach of this team. At some point, the players will be forced to choose, and they will choose the side that signs their paychecks.

Williamson: Should Kiffin be Fired?

Bill Williamson is asking his readers to sound off in the comment section of his blog as to whether or not Lance Kiffin should be fired or not.

I tried to get in there, but I can't get the login to work right. Go ahead and blame it on user error, or whatever, but that's why I have a blog.

Of course Kiffin should be fired. It is no longer a question of whether or not he can coach. The Raiders don't want him. They are handing out copies of columns critical of their head coach. This can only undermine with the players, who should by now have absolutely no doubt that the coach is the lamest of ducks with no authority whatsoever.

Growth?

Kawakami has an excellent column this morning, asking if Al and the Raiders will learn from this mistake.

It's important to remember that Lance Kiffin wasn't exactly qualified for this position when he got it. Everybody else, from Bernard Petrino to Mike Martz to Dan and I were interviewed for this job, and while not all of us were offered the job, we all took ourselves out of the running for various reasons. But once Lane got here, I thought he did a pretty good job of trying to change the culture of the locker room. And according to Steve Corkran on KNBR the other day, all of this started when Lane fired Rob Ryan in January. Ryan went upstairs to say "Peace Out" to Al, and Al said, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just quite yet, Lance doesn't have hiring and firing power." (These are not verbatim quotes. Listen to the podcast.) Al wrote up a letter of resignation, said "Sign it, you little punk." "Fire me."

Anyway, at this point, Lane has to go. He just has to be fired. The Raiders, instead of acting like a merely incompetent organization and just firing their coach, are passing around notes saying their coach is a bad kid. This is ridiculous. I don't even remember the Bengals doing shit like this. The Clippers never acted this way. The closest thing I can think of is the maybe the way Steinbrenner treated Dave Winfield by paying a mafia gambler for dirt on him. But he was a player.

Getting back to Kawakami's column, I think the answer to the question "Will Al/Raiders learn anything?" is no. Sadly, depressingly, hilariously, no.