This first quarter is some of the worst football I've ever seen the Raiders play.
We can't tackle.
We can't hit.
He can't rush.
We can't pass.
Watching the Raiders play today reminds me of a joke:
This guy is throwing a party. He wants the party to have a theme, but he wants to do something original, because he's been to way to many Pimp'n'Ho/Cowboy Up/Tart'n'Vicar/Toga parties. So he tells people to come dressed as an emotion. However they're feeling that day, that's how they should dress.
So the yellow coward is there, the green with envy person, the so-angry-I'm-Red guy is in the house. You've also got the depressed lady dressed in black.
After a while, the doorbell rings. The guy opens his door to see two men. One of them has a pear into which a hole has been cut and his thumb inserted. The other guy has his dick in a cup of tapioca pudding.
"Whoa, fellas," the host exclaims. "I don't know what you thought, but this is not that type of party. You're supposed to come dressed as an emotion."
"I'm in dispair," says the guy with his thumb in a pair.
And the pudding guy says, "And I'm fucking dis custard."
Showing posts with label Falcons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Falcons. Show all posts
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Michael Vick
The MediaNews papers are all full of "What if" stories about the possibility of Michael Vick joining the Raiders if and when Roger Goodell reinstates him after he gets out of prison.
I guess these stories were inevitable, with the Falcons in town and so many of Vick's former teammates and coaches now with the Raiders.
I always thought, in the immediate aftermath of Vick's arrest/conviction/sentencing, that people who said, "Well, now Vick's ready to be a Raider" were stupid and lazy. They were falling back on that whole "criminal element" stereotype that's been a part of the Raiders since the 70s (and yes, I'm well aware that there's no small amount of that stereotype that's been cultivated by the Raiders and their fans).
Corkran's article and Monte Poole's column focus mainly on the football possibilities, with some quotes from DeAngelo Hall, Justin Griffith, and Ashley Lelie enthusiastically endorsing bringing Vick to the Raiders. Hall even offers to re-do his contract.
I have to admit that the fantasy backfield scenario, with JaMarcus standing back there looking at McFadden on one side and Vick on the other, is intriguing.
But there's only one way it work if Vick came to the Raiders:
Jarrod Cooper.
If the Raiders put Cooper on the staff (as a special teams assistant, community liason, whatever) and assigned him the main role of mentoring Michael Vick, it could work. Included in that mentoring would have to be taking him to the shelter and helping him clean out cages, patch up rescued dogs, etc. People in the Bay Area love dogs, and his first game at the Coliseum would be guaranteed to see pickets from the SPCA, PETA, and, since this is the Bay Area, probably the ALF.
But Cooper could help smooth all that out, and Vick could show his remorse is sincere.
I guess these stories were inevitable, with the Falcons in town and so many of Vick's former teammates and coaches now with the Raiders.
I always thought, in the immediate aftermath of Vick's arrest/conviction/sentencing, that people who said, "Well, now Vick's ready to be a Raider" were stupid and lazy. They were falling back on that whole "criminal element" stereotype that's been a part of the Raiders since the 70s (and yes, I'm well aware that there's no small amount of that stereotype that's been cultivated by the Raiders and their fans).
Corkran's article and Monte Poole's column focus mainly on the football possibilities, with some quotes from DeAngelo Hall, Justin Griffith, and Ashley Lelie enthusiastically endorsing bringing Vick to the Raiders. Hall even offers to re-do his contract.
I have to admit that the fantasy backfield scenario, with JaMarcus standing back there looking at McFadden on one side and Vick on the other, is intriguing.
But there's only one way it work if Vick came to the Raiders:
Jarrod Cooper.
If the Raiders put Cooper on the staff (as a special teams assistant, community liason, whatever) and assigned him the main role of mentoring Michael Vick, it could work. Included in that mentoring would have to be taking him to the shelter and helping him clean out cages, patch up rescued dogs, etc. People in the Bay Area love dogs, and his first game at the Coliseum would be guaranteed to see pickets from the SPCA, PETA, and, since this is the Bay Area, probably the ALF.
But Cooper could help smooth all that out, and Vick could show his remorse is sincere.
Friday, October 31, 2008
John's Picks
Since Sllaacs is apparently out making it safe for white folks to vote against Obama without feeling that twinge of white guilt, and therefore Sllaaccing on making the picks (Probably because the 49ers have a bye, and oh yes, that was a pun), here we go*.
Raiders vs. Falcons: You know, I was kind of back to feeling like we really, really suck, and that I should never, ever pick the Raiders to win a game. Plus, Michael Turner is on my fantasy squad, and given our difficulty stopping the run, I feel like I'm kind of guaranteed a big day there. But then again, JaMarcus has been sharp at home, as have the Raiders generally other than the first game. And seeing as we have the best defense in the AFC West, and DeAngelo Hall is fired up to face his old team, we can't lose. But that doesn't mean we're going to win, either. Tie Game, 20-20.
Green Bay vs. Tennessee: Aaron Rodgers got a contract extension. Maybe he'll lose all of his motivation. Tennessee has an awesome defense and Kerry Collins at QB, and in spite of that fact is undefeated. I like the Packers in this game, on the Road. 27-21.
Dallas vs. New York Football Giants: My buddy Todd is in New Jersey for this game. He's a Cowboys (and RomoSexual, like the Professor), and his girlfriend Adi has an inexplicable crush on Eli Manning. Well, Jessica's Boyfriend is not playing, and the Giants are good. I like the Giants, 27-17.
Washington vs. Pittsburg. Game of the week, easily. 5-2 vs. 6-2, in a game that may or may not have electoral implications. Berman is interviewing both McCain and Obama at halftime. Hopefully nobody will walk in front of the camera. I like the Steelers in this game, especially if Santana Moss doesn't play. 21-17.
*That's not really Sllaacs. It just kinda looks like him.
Raiders vs. Falcons: You know, I was kind of back to feeling like we really, really suck, and that I should never, ever pick the Raiders to win a game. Plus, Michael Turner is on my fantasy squad, and given our difficulty stopping the run, I feel like I'm kind of guaranteed a big day there. But then again, JaMarcus has been sharp at home, as have the Raiders generally other than the first game. And seeing as we have the best defense in the AFC West, and DeAngelo Hall is fired up to face his old team, we can't lose. But that doesn't mean we're going to win, either. Tie Game, 20-20.
Green Bay vs. Tennessee: Aaron Rodgers got a contract extension. Maybe he'll lose all of his motivation. Tennessee has an awesome defense and Kerry Collins at QB, and in spite of that fact is undefeated. I like the Packers in this game, on the Road. 27-21.
Dallas vs. New York Football Giants: My buddy Todd is in New Jersey for this game. He's a Cowboys (and RomoSexual, like the Professor), and his girlfriend Adi has an inexplicable crush on Eli Manning. Well, Jessica's Boyfriend is not playing, and the Giants are good. I like the Giants, 27-17.
Washington vs. Pittsburg. Game of the week, easily. 5-2 vs. 6-2, in a game that may or may not have electoral implications. Berman is interviewing both McCain and Obama at halftime. Hopefully nobody will walk in front of the camera. I like the Steelers in this game, especially if Santana Moss doesn't play. 21-17.
*That's not really Sllaacs. It just kinda looks like him.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
No Blackout.
I don't what's gotten into us Raiders fans. Sunday's game is the eighth straight regular season home game to sell out and avoid being blacked out on TV.
I will be enjoying watching the game from home this weekend.
I will be enjoying watching the game from home this weekend.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Sllaacs' Mom Provoked My CyberStalker; Picks.
I'm still pretty sure that the guy trying to get his flame war on me is my brother, who didn't know who Lance Kiffin was. Although, when I read it out loud to him, he laughed and said he didn't write it but wished he had. Still, he's the only one who so lovingly calls me "DickFace."
I feel like I need to mention Bill Simmons today, because he brings up the NFL.com "Every Day is Like Sunday" commercials. Which I wrote about almost a month ago. Wow, I beat one of my heroes to the punch, which means absolutely nothing. It's also relevant because he has the Bye week beating the Raiders (though not by as much as it's beating the Rams), has some funny-ish reader emails about which Hollywood monster Al Davis most resembled at the press conference, and says that we Raiders fans get a Stomach Punch because Tom Cables record as Head Coach at the University of Idaho was 11-35. Anyway, that's more games in the span of 3 years than we've one the last three, so it's an improvement, right?
As for Sllaacs saying that Cable should keep to Lance's plan, does that include the weekly "Tell The Truth Mondays," or what Al Davis referred to as Flat Out Lying? Because that would be awesome.
On to the picks:
Niners vs. Patriots. I really, really hope that Patrick Willis catches Randy Moss coming over the middle. Oh, right, Randy doesn't go over the middle. Oh well. The 49ers win. 17-14.
Packers vs. Falcons. Is Aaron Rodgers even playing? Still feeling good about trading the Indestructable Brett Favre now? Rodgers is the man of Glass. Falcons, and Bubba Malaysia's All Star Running back Michael Turner run the shit out of the Packers, 29-13. Seems like Turner busts out ever two weeks, so he's due.
Bufalo goes to 4-0 with a 27-14 Win over AZ. Is Matt Leinert still on that team?
By the way CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY would like to thank Al Davis, Lane Kiffin, the NFL, Tim Kawakami, John Herrera, and Morrissey for the month of September, which I just noticed was our most prolific month since our inception, with a total of 116 posts.
I feel like I need to mention Bill Simmons today, because he brings up the NFL.com "Every Day is Like Sunday" commercials. Which I wrote about almost a month ago. Wow, I beat one of my heroes to the punch, which means absolutely nothing. It's also relevant because he has the Bye week beating the Raiders (though not by as much as it's beating the Rams), has some funny-ish reader emails about which Hollywood monster Al Davis most resembled at the press conference, and says that we Raiders fans get a Stomach Punch because Tom Cables record as Head Coach at the University of Idaho was 11-35. Anyway, that's more games in the span of 3 years than we've one the last three, so it's an improvement, right?
As for Sllaacs saying that Cable should keep to Lance's plan, does that include the weekly "Tell The Truth Mondays," or what Al Davis referred to as Flat Out Lying? Because that would be awesome.
On to the picks:
Niners vs. Patriots. I really, really hope that Patrick Willis catches Randy Moss coming over the middle. Oh, right, Randy doesn't go over the middle. Oh well. The 49ers win. 17-14.
Packers vs. Falcons. Is Aaron Rodgers even playing? Still feeling good about trading the Indestructable Brett Favre now? Rodgers is the man of Glass. Falcons, and Bubba Malaysia's All Star Running back Michael Turner run the shit out of the Packers, 29-13. Seems like Turner busts out ever two weeks, so he's due.
Bufalo goes to 4-0 with a 27-14 Win over AZ. Is Matt Leinert still on that team?
By the way CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY would like to thank Al Davis, Lane Kiffin, the NFL, Tim Kawakami, John Herrera, and Morrissey for the month of September, which I just noticed was our most prolific month since our inception, with a total of 116 posts.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Going Postal; Sllaacs Week 15 Picks
Sllaacs sent his pics this week by certified letter. I had to go to the post office at Embarcadero Center to pick them up. While I was there I thought I'd send Christmas cards. I asked the lady behind the info desk if she had a Zip Code Book.
"No."
And that's it. Gave me the Heisman. So I look around and see the autmated postal machine, and hit the info button, where I was able to get the Zip code I needed. Trying to be nice, I went back to the woman at the info desk and said to her, "Just so you know, if anyone asks you next time for a zip code, you can look it up on the machine."
"Oh, I know," she said. "You can look it up over there. You didn't ask me how to look up a zip code. You just asked me if I had a book. I don't have a book."
"Why else would I ask you for a zip code book?"
"I don't know, sir. People ask me all kinds of questions. I can't assume anything, you need to be very specific."
"Did you think I needed a boost to see over the counter or something?"
"I don't know sir. You need to be specific." I should point out that this woman is about 5'2" and easily pushing 300lbs. I didn't want to make this an ad hominem attack, but this had to be the stupidest conversation I've ever had.
"Okay, okay,' I said, finally. "Thank you for your help."
So then I had the letter with Sllaacs' picks, and it said:
I bet that dude had to get some help at the Embarcadero Center post office.
"No."
And that's it. Gave me the Heisman. So I look around and see the autmated postal machine, and hit the info button, where I was able to get the Zip code I needed. Trying to be nice, I went back to the woman at the info desk and said to her, "Just so you know, if anyone asks you next time for a zip code, you can look it up on the machine."
"Oh, I know," she said. "You can look it up over there. You didn't ask me how to look up a zip code. You just asked me if I had a book. I don't have a book."
"Why else would I ask you for a zip code book?"
"I don't know, sir. People ask me all kinds of questions. I can't assume anything, you need to be very specific."
"Did you think I needed a boost to see over the counter or something?"
"I don't know sir. You need to be specific." I should point out that this woman is about 5'2" and easily pushing 300lbs. I didn't want to make this an ad hominem attack, but this had to be the stupidest conversation I've ever had.
"Okay, okay,' I said, finally. "Thank you for your help."
So then I had the letter with Sllaacs' picks, and it said:
So some dude jumped off the upper deck at halftime of the 49ers game last week.
Can you blame him? He should have waited to see Shaun Hill in the 2nd half. Which brings me to my picks for this week.
Niners vs. Bengals. 31 - 17 Cincinnati. This game is on a Saturday - So what? Bengals win - 'nuff said.
Colts at Raiders. Hoo. Tough one - I mean predicting the blowout that is - I was pretty close with my Green Bay blowout prediction, but since the Raiders are at home, I think the Colts will win by only 3 touchdowns. 28 - 7 - The Black Hole will be Peyton's Place on Sunday. Wasn't it brutal, Raider Fan - to listen to Charles Woodson talk about your squad, like he had never played in the uniform before?
Finally, I will take an easy one. Tampa Bay over Atlanta. Hey, none of the other games are that compelling either. Patsy's vs. Man-gina? Whack. T.O. vs. McNabb? zzzzzzz. I mean Balty vs, Miami sounds more interesting to me. Tampa wins 24-13. Playoff bound: Jeff Garcia and John Gruden. They should both still be in the Bay Area.
Sllaacs
I bet that dude had to get some help at the Embarcadero Center post office.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Daunte's Revenge, Numero Dos: John's Picks
I'm about to get on a plane for Texas, which is now the official CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY vacation destination of choice.
Anyway, Tampa rolls ATL 20-6, the newly-healthy Rams destroy the 49ers 31-3 after Nolan finally turns his best offensive weapon, Joe Nedney, loose.
I know I said last week I was never picking the Raiders again, but then two things happened: Adrian Peterson and Josh McCown both got hurt--although it looks like Daunte may have been starting anyway. Daunte leads the Raiders to a victory in the Humphrey Dome, only this time instead of pointing to his knee and flashing the OK sign after scoring, he pretends to row a boat.
Anyway, Tampa rolls ATL 20-6, the newly-healthy Rams destroy the 49ers 31-3 after Nolan finally turns his best offensive weapon, Joe Nedney, loose.
I know I said last week I was never picking the Raiders again, but then two things happened: Adrian Peterson and Josh McCown both got hurt--although it looks like Daunte may have been starting anyway. Daunte leads the Raiders to a victory in the Humphrey Dome, only this time instead of pointing to his knee and flashing the OK sign after scoring, he pretends to row a boat.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Sllaacs Picks a Day Early this Week.
I just got this in my inbox. Hopefully nobody I work with reads this blog and notices what time the posts come.
Dearest John, Unrequited Love of My Life,
When did it all go wrong for the 49ers?
The end of the 2002 Season. Steve Mariucci was not resigned. They followed up this genius move at the end of 2003 by making the biggest blunder when Jeff Garcia was let go. After being blessed with 3 great QB's in a row (HOF'er, HOF'er, Pro-Bowler) we now have two of the same QB; a young Trent Dilfer and the real Trent Dilfer. The niners are screwed for the next two years, at least.
So basically, when John York - Super Dork - took over the team, the niners went to total shit while leaving thier offensive roots behind them - or allowing Mariucci to take them with him - where he lost them in Detroit - anyhow - ever heard of the
West Coast Offense? Consider maybe running that offense - the 49er offense - before you try changing a tradition and establishing some kind of smash-mouth, ball control offense - in California, no less! Smash-mouth is for cold weather teams - ancing up and down the football field like ballerinas is warm weather football. Al Davis still likes to throw deep - and always will. The 49ers should always be a West Coast Offense. Period.
As for the Raiders - I just don't know what to say, except this: as bad as they are offensively, the Niners are worse - so kiss my ass, my team sucks better than your team. At least S.F. can win the distinction of being THE WORST, while the Raiders will fade away to anonymity with their relatively less, total-suck-ass season.
Here are my picks:
Tampa Bay over Atlanta - 24-13. Atlanta is very bad - the Bucs are not.
Raiders beat Minnesota 9 - 6 - No A.P. too bad eh? But that's right, I'm predicting an all field goal game.
Rams will roll S.F. 38 - 16. Bulger and L.J. are back - the Rams may finish 6-10 this year.Hugs and Kisses,
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Week 9 Picks
From Sllaacs:
So we got crazy hype regarding the upcoming Colts and New England game - I, of course, have already picked the Colts to win outright - fuck the spread. Peyton Manning has been 7 - 0 for three straight years. Besides, the Colts are still the Champions.
Okay, so Houston sucks, but they will still manage to score at least 13
points against the Raiders, which is 7 more than Oakland will put on the board. Look for Culpepper to try and scramble, not make it, get tackled for loss.
The Falcons are super garbage, with no QB, defense or Special Teams - I mean, they have dudes that play those positions, but not for long - they'll all soon be driving beer trucks. The 49ers have got to feel like they can put up the 17 points it will take to "outscore" the ATL. 17 - 9 Niners.
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