John's Picks.

Waiting for Dan and his brother Mikey to show up and start pre-gaming for tomorrow...

I'm going with the Raiders in this game. For some reason, I think Brett is due to throw 3 or 4 INTs tomorrow. The Chaz Schillens era debuts with him getting 6 catches for 122 and a Touchdown. 22-13 Raiders. Hell, if stuff like this can happen (and yes, it may well be apocryphal), anything can happen.

The 49ers are playing the Giants, who just got worked by Cleveland, and are probably pretty pissed, and are going to take it out on the hapless 49ers. Oh, and JTO is a back-up quarterback. For a franchise that redefined quarterback excellence, it's just not acceptable that a guy whose name sounds like a schlocky Canadian 1970s rock band is calling signals on Bill Walsh Field.

The Colts look to be back, so maybe the Packers should worry. But since Sllaacs took Indy, I'm going with GB. 27-24.

Bufalo vs. San Diego is an interesting one. I like the disChargers, for some reason. 27-21.

John's Picks

I'm looking forward to this weekend's games. On Saturday, I'll be watching the games with my attorney. Not because I've been arrested or sued or anything, but the Professor owes me a boys day out, and I'm going to take advantage. I expect there will be many frosty beverages consumed, along with a fair amount of unhealthy, delicious foods.

Seattle at Green Bay. I know everyone brings this up, but remember a couple/three years when the game went to overtime, and Seattle won the toss, and Matt Hasselbeck said, "We want the ball, and we're gonna score!" and then he threw an INT that got returned for a Touchdown? What a douchebag. Add his douche-iness to the fact that Shaun Alexander will sitting on the sidelines nursing his sore vagina, and the Packers romp, 34-21.

In the night game, the Patriots play the Jaguars. A lot is being said about the Jaguars' running game, and how it will keep the Pats off the field. And it could. But they're not going to hit Tom Brady like they hit Big Ben last week. I hate to say it but the Patriots are going to win by a lot of points. Probably like 38-17. That's 21 points.

As for Sunday's games, I will be watching them at the hoose with my good friend Chris from the Daily Chuppler. He hearts beer as much as I do, so that could be fun.

Norv's Dischargers are getting straight smoked in Indy. I think this will be the most lopsided game of the weekend. In the past, I'd never found San Diego to be as offensive as Denver or Kansas City. Philip Rivers is a jagoff. And if I hear one more person tell me how classy Ladanian Tomlinson is, I may lose control of my bowels. Would someone with class steal Lawrence Taylor's nickname as if he #56 from the Giants had never existed? Of course not. I don't need to read this off of a teleprompter:

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Colts win 57-0.

Cowboys vs. Giants. This is the best matchup of the weekend. I'm excited for this game. Dallas has won both of the earlier matchups, but since playing New England on the last game of the season, the Giants are hot. They destroyed Goldmember last week. As for Tony Romo, I know the Professor is pumped up for this game. What I want to know is, what's up with Terry Bradshaw hopping on the T.O. Cock Blocker bandwagon? And I don't care that if Bill Parcells was the coach last year, he'd have never gone down to Mexico like that. I personally think Parcells is overrated. He had the Real LT (OGLT?). Anyway, I like NY's chances, but I still think Dallas squeaks this game out, maybe even in OT, in a pretty high scoring, exciting game. 31-29, Cowboys.

Sllaacs Divisional Picks

Via email this morning, with the heading "Playoffs:"

So here we are, second weekend of the playoffs. With no further ado:

Of course I'm taking Green Bay over Seattle, like I said last week: Seattle sucks. 35-34 G.B.

New England @ Jacksonville. Ugh... I do not like the Patsy's. 42 - 10 New England.

Indy vs. San Diego - Indy is the last real chance for the Patsy's to be stopped. Colts over the Chargers 28-17.

Dallas vs. Giants should be the best matchup of the weekend. I actually want to see Eli do well; hell he has done well - this will be his third straight season in the playoffs. Maybe Eli is better than I think. The Giants do have that super D - rush, and T.O. is supposed to be ailing. Anyhow, I will go with what should always be the most hated team in sports: the Dallas Cowboys, 30-16.

Year of the Tiger:

Sousa is guilty of taunting that Tiger - I was born in the Year of the Tiger - and he got a little more than what he deserved. To see some examples of the "Wild" getting revenge against Humans, download "When Animals Attack" and you will see some us get our come-uppance from the animals that we captured and then gawked at like idiots. The saddest part of the whole thing is that the Tiger did not deserve to go out like that, at the hands of a police firing squad, and all because some idiot Raiders fans had to go sling-shotting the captive animal.

Mrs. Sousa (seriously, no relation; please stop asking) says the Dhaliwal brothers told her they didn't sling-shot the tiger.

Masterpiece

It started when the kept Manning out of the endzone to end the 1st quarter.

Then Josh McCown directed a 20-play, 99-yard touchdown drive that lasted 11:41. It was the most inspiring offensive football I've seen out of this club, not counting when JaMarcus came in against Denver. No matter what happens the rest of this game, that drive has given me faith in Lane Kiffin as a play caller and a coach.

It was magnificent.

10-7 Colts, halftime. Peyton's not really hurting us; the Colts only 6 came on a 90 yard punt return that was a complete debacle by the Raiders special teams.

I'm fired up.

Going Postal; Sllaacs Week 15 Picks

Sllaacs sent his pics this week by certified letter. I had to go to the post office at Embarcadero Center to pick them up. While I was there I thought I'd send Christmas cards. I asked the lady behind the info desk if she had a Zip Code Book.

"No."

And that's it. Gave me the Heisman. So I look around and see the autmated postal machine, and hit the info button, where I was able to get the Zip code I needed. Trying to be nice, I went back to the woman at the info desk and said to her, "Just so you know, if anyone asks you next time for a zip code, you can look it up on the machine."

"Oh, I know," she said. "You can look it up over there. You didn't ask me how to look up a zip code. You just asked me if I had a book. I don't have a book."

"Why else would I ask you for a zip code book?"

"I don't know, sir. People ask me all kinds of questions. I can't assume anything, you need to be very specific."

"Did you think I needed a boost to see over the counter or something?"

"I don't know sir. You need to be specific." I should point out that this woman is about 5'2" and easily pushing 300lbs. I didn't want to make this an ad hominem attack, but this had to be the stupidest conversation I've ever had.

"Okay, okay,' I said, finally. "Thank you for your help."

So then I had the letter with Sllaacs' picks, and it said:

So some dude jumped off the upper deck at halftime of the 49ers game last week.

Can you blame him? He should have waited to see Shaun Hill in the 2nd half. Which brings me to my picks for this week.

Niners vs. Bengals. 31 - 17 Cincinnati. This game is on a Saturday - So what? Bengals win - 'nuff said.

Colts at Raiders. Hoo. Tough one - I mean predicting the blowout that is - I was pretty close with my Green Bay blowout prediction, but since the Raiders are at home, I think the Colts will win by only 3 touchdowns. 28 - 7 - The Black Hole will be Peyton's Place on Sunday. Wasn't it brutal, Raider Fan - to listen to Charles Woodson talk about your squad, like he had never played in the uniform before?

Finally, I will take an easy one. Tampa Bay over Atlanta. Hey, none of the other games are that compelling either. Patsy's vs. Man-gina? Whack. T.O. vs. McNabb? zzzzzzz. I mean Balty vs, Miami sounds more interesting to me. Tampa wins 24-13. Playoff bound: Jeff Garcia and John Gruden. They should both still be in the Bay Area.

Sllaacs

I bet that dude had to get some help at the Embarcadero Center post office.

Bruce Jenkins is a Better Writer than John.

His 3 Dot Lounge column today expresses eloquently what I think I was trying to express with my too-long post yesterday that got me into an argument with Dan.

Besides, I don't think I even finished. McCown will lead the Raiders to a 20-17 victory. I think either Morrison or Howard adds a defensive touchdown.

One question though. If Daunte's not a good fit for this offense because the complementary players were added in anticipation of McCown playing the whole season, what's going to happen when JaMarcus gets out there? All the talk was of JaMarcus being a bigger, faster Daunte-in-his- prime, right? So is it just that Daunte can't run any more? I really think JaMarcus is going to be a good quarterback in this league, and for the Raiders. I'm not in a hurry to see him get maimed, but a series or two, at the end of a half for a Hail Mary when the defense is playing 6 DBs and the LBs are dropped into coverage couldn't hurt. This isn't last year, when our O-line couldn't even block 3 rushers.

Please tell me we've improved that much.

Just Win, Baby.

I've been thinking about this for a while, ever since Gregg Easterbrook wrote his "Good Vs. Evil" column last week. I thought about it even harder watching "Inside the NFL" on HBO the other night, which seemed to devote the entire first half of the show to the upcoming game, even splicing together an NFL Films Mega-Highlight with both the New England/Washington and Indianapolis/Carolina tilts, complete with a panel discussion about whether or not the Patriots are running up the score and an interview with former Chargers/current Patriots Rodney Harrison and Junior Seau.

I'm going to take these in reverse order, starting with Junior and Rodney. Actually, I really only want to talk about Rodney Harrison, since I've always respected Junior and I feel bad for him that his house burned down last week.

The thing about the Patriots that has bugged the shit out of me--other than the Tuck Rule, which we'll get to later--during their run of success this decade is the sense that they're so good, and so well-coached by Belichick and well-led by Tom Brady that they can bring in any malcontent or headcase and not just rehabilitate them but turn them into team leaders. We saw it with Corey Dillon, we're seeing it now with Randy Moss.

But the one that galls me the most is Rodney Harrison. I'm not saying he's not a good player. And I'm not even saying that the sinner-to-saint narrative I've just described is not valid, because in a way, it is. But even after his HGH suspension (and what it is it with players with connections to the Chargers and performance-enhancing drugs?), he's still considered an elder statesman. The Rodney Harrison I remember with San Diego was the dirtiest player in the league. Just ask Tim Brown, who was the victim of attempted murder every time he went over the middle for a pass. Now because he's on the Patriots and he's won a Super Bowl he's a hero?

The thing about this sinner-to-saint narrative is that it's not sinner-to-saint at all; it's sinner-to-sinner-who-wins-a-lot-football-games. Randy Moss isn't all of a sudden a team leader. He'll never be a leader--he sure as hell wasn't when he was in here in Oakland. But surround him by ballers, and he's all-world.

As for running up the score, that's just ridiculous. Everybody asked on Inside the NFL agreed that it wasn't; I even found myself agreeing with Cris Carter who said, basically, if you don't want them running up the score, stop them. BLITZ their asses. As John Clayton points out in his sidebar on the Raiders vs Steelers in the 1970s in the "In Their Own Words..." article at espn.com:

Bill Belichick wouldn't have gotten away with running up scores in the 1970s,
when the Raiders and Steelers were battling each other for AFC superiority. From
the physical play on the field to the verbal and legal battles off of it,
Steelers-Raiders was great drama.

Which brings me to the TMQ column. He takes great pains to make sure everyone knows why Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning are the epitome of everything that is good about America and why they should be beloved, and how Belichick, et. al. are the epitome of everything we should hate.

But he's wrong. And, sorry, Dan, but you're wrong, too. If the Patriots deserve an asterisk next to their dynasty, it's courtesy of Walt Coleman, not the "cheating" scandal. You know how Eric Mangini (and can his nickname be officially changed from "Man-genius" to Man-gina?) knew that camera was there? Because he used to work for Belichick. Shit, he probably started out as camera boy before working his way up to coordinator.

The point I'm getting at here is that Easterbrook made me kind of like this Patriots team, because the words he used to describe them in his column--arrogance, hubris--are words that people use to describe Al Davis. Who do you think invented not speaking to the media? I can't help but to think that the way the Patriots are destroying teams right now, with Randy catching everything in a 10-yard radius, is what he envisioned when he brought Randy here in the first place. The problem is that he brought him to play for Norv Turner, and then for Art Shell and Tom "My Own Private Idaho" Walsh. Just like the Raiders were the team everyone hated in the 70s, accused of being part of a "Criminal Element," the Patriots are being piled on and hated on now.

So I think New England wins this Sunday. I wouldn't even be surprised if they blow Indy out. It reminds me of when Michael Spinks fought Mike Tyson on my birthday in 1987. Everyone was so desperate for someone to beat Mike Tyson that they were talking themselves into things like "Well, Spinks never LOST his crown," and "finally someone who can put Iron Mike in his place." He got smoked in 90 seconds, and my dad was pissed that he paid $45 for that just because it's what I wanted for my birthday. Seriously, that was my worst birthday present ever. And from then on I decided if someone looks clearly dominant, it's because they ARE.

So, NE wins, 31-24, with Indy making it look close with a couple of late TDs.

The Niners will win a...err, dogfight in Atlanta, 13-9.

And the Raiders, with McCown under center and Fargas rushing for a buck-fifty. Sllaacs is already wrong about Daunte getting sacked.

Week 9 Picks

From Sllaacs:

So we got crazy hype regarding the upcoming Colts and New England game - I, of course, have already picked the Colts to win outright - fuck the spread. Peyton Manning has been 7 - 0 for three straight years. Besides, the Colts are still the Champions.

Okay, so Houston sucks, but they will still manage to score at least 13
points against the Raiders, which is 7 more than Oakland will put on the board. Look for Culpepper to try and scramble, not make it, get tackled for loss.

The Falcons are super garbage, with no QB, defense or Special Teams - I mean, they have dudes that play those positions, but not for long - they'll all soon be driving beer trucks. The 49ers have got to feel like they can put up the 17 points it will take to "outscore" the ATL. 17 - 9 Niners.

Sllaacs is a Hater

Wow. 50 posts. A milestone greater than Joe Dimaggio's 52 game hitting streak, Cal Ripken's 2,632 straight games, and Britney Spears' weekly beaver shot.

To commemorate this acheivement, I'm adding a new feature where my friend Sllaacs picks three games each week and Dan and I try to beat him. I haven't discussed this with Dan yet, but hopefully he'll read the blog and add his picks. The rules are that Sllaacs always picks the Raiders and 49ers games, plus another game.

You may know Sllaacs from his insightful comments on previous blog posts.

So here's his email, in its entirety:

Let's do football picks. Post this, biiiiiyyyyyyyiiiiiitttttchhhh!

3 picks for the week.

49ers beat New Orleans 21 - 13.

Raiders get wiped off the football field after being smeared on it by the Titans and Vince Young - 28 - 10.

Colts over the Patriots - 35 - 31.

Let's see if you can come up with a better record, than me. Start this week-three games a week. I will always pick the niners and raiders games.

Dude your squad is going to get rolled. I'm like a football picking genius.

Sllaacs is a 49ers fan, and a huge Raider Hater. He's also a jackass, because as everyone knows, the Patriots don't play the Colts until November 4.

I'll publish my picks on those games another time. For now, I'll let Sllaacs enjoy himself as the focus of this historic, 50th CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY blog post, while he thinks up a different third game for us to pick.