Saturday, November 3, 2007

This. Is. War.


Say Hello to Iggy Pup, skunk magnet.

That's right. Again. Tonight.

According to this website, "the stench is too powerful for most animals to bear, and serves as a deterrent against future attacks."

So that means that Iggy is either a badass who is not deterred by anything, or the stupidest dog who ever lived.

I was upstairs giving Baby Lily a bath when I hear The Professor through the floor say, "GOD DAMMIT."

The Professor's screaming Profanities and Baby Lily keeps trying to throw water on me--water she's no doubt peed in--and I'm trying to yell at her to stop splashing and listen to what The Professor is yelling at me all at the same time and it turns out I just don't possess that particular Super Power.

Since Baby Lily's busy pouring all of the water out her bath, one Giants Souvenir Beer Cup at a time, I figure the chances of her drowning while I head to the balcony to check on The Professor are pretty low.

As soon as I open the door to the balcony, it hits me. That chemical-burn stench. The next time I get in a snaps contest, your mom's vagina smells like skunk. Seriously.

Anyway, The Professor asks if I can see it, but I can't see shit because 1. it's dark down there, and 2. my eyes are closed to protect them from burning.

While The Professor douses Iggy down with the last of the Nature's Miracle Skunk Odor Remover, I get Baby Lily rinsed off and out of the tub.

The Professor comes upstairs and I say to her, "Hey babe. You're a Yale-trained historian. You've conducted research at some of the finest archives in the world. Is there any chance that while you were looking at old diaries of scabies-ridden gold prospectors in the 1850s, or Indian laborers on Mexican-era Rancheros in the Northern Central Valley, that you came across a method of skunk removal and/or repellent?"

She mumbles something, the only word of which I can make out is "asshole," and sits down and puts her prodigious research skills to work on Google.

So she found another site that suggested you line your fence with chicken wire and bury it a good six or eight inches so those stank-nasty sons of bitches can't dig into your yard.

So listen up, you foul-smelling bastard. I have a Home Depot credit card and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm putting up some fence tomorrow morning. And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll hire some day laborers to go on a skunk hunt. $15 a pelt.

And free Nature's Miracle Skunk Odor Removal.

1 comment:

The Professor said...

Leave the poor skunk alone. Let's poach the asshole dog. I'll pay $100 per Pinscher pelt!