Sex Panther

So the Professor is reading night-night stories to Baby Lily when I decide to head downstairs for a smoke. I bring the dog with me so he can have an evening constitutional in the backyard. He barrels down the stairs ahead of me, snarling. I figure he's after one of the neighborhood feral cats that the Professor has been feeding in the back yard.

I get down the stairs, into the garage, and start towards the door that leads to our little yard, and I smell the worst goddam smell I've ever smelt. Iggy--that's the dog--comes back inside foaming at the mouth and kind of hacking, making this sound like "spak" and I don't know what to do so I yell for the Professor to get her ass down here pronto.

"I think Iggy just got sprayed by a skunk," I say and she comes down and sure enough that's what it was.

The Professor, before she went to Yale, came from some solid Okie stock, so she called up her brother. "Ya need to git ya some incontinent wash," he tells her. His coon hounds have been skunked a time or two, and he has cases of that stuff laying around because his baby mama uses it.

I head down to Walgreens to get some peroxide and incontinent wash and as I walk in I hear the security guard say "What's that smell?" and a person answered "It smells like a skunk" and I thought "Oh, fuck, they're talking about ME." So I ask an employee if he has incontinent wash, only I said it like, "Do you have body wash for old people who are, like incontinent?" and that poor fucker had to walk me to the aisle it was on, and he was trying so hard to be polite and not just run away retching. The stuff was located near the Depends Undergarments and all they had was moist wipes with Aloe for incontinence.

So I got the peroxide and cut out of there as fast as I could.

I get home and park and the Professor has started stacking things up in the driveway so we can wash down the floor and walls of the garage with bleach. We got the formula from some hippie website I looked up while holding my breath, because now the whole goddam house smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Long story short, we scrubbed down the garage. We'll probably get home from work tomorrow and it still smell horrible.

But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except maybe on Marty Schottenheimer.

A Window into Kiffin's Mind

After watching Daunte basically piss away 7 points at the end of the half, perhaps we have a glimmer of understanding for why Kiffin stood by McCown for so long. Decision making among East Bay QBs appears to be hitting a low point this weekend.

The nice thing about it being 2007 is that halftime brings hope thanks to Kiffin's adjustments. Last year at this time my dog would be getting a long walk.

LaMont, Too

Jordan is making a surprise start, but so far our offense looks worse than our D.

I'm sorry I missed the first four weeks. This is giving me flashbacks to last year's Monday night opener, which I painfully watched in person.

Culpepper INT. Ouch.

Burgess Starts

But as the game gets rolling we are getting no pressure on Rivers and LT is running wild. Ugh. Gerard Warren is out.

Charles Woodson sure looked good for the Pack today. If only we were facing the Packers' running game...

The View from the Couch

With racing season over, today marks the first day I'm able to watch a full day of NFL football from the comfort of my own couch. As luck would have it, the 49ers are on a bye and the Raiders are away, so I get the Packers and Raiders. Perfect.

For the past two weekends I've been in Colorado, but if it weren't for the lack of oxygen I might have thought I was in San Francisco with all the whining about the home team. Besides the obvious complaints about Jim Bates' run defense, the "Mike Shanahan is no genius" chorus continues to grow. Even the Cutler pick is taking heat. With Leinart on the shelf but splitting time even when healthy, at least passing on them last year doesn't look so bad. Maybe Huff hasn't impressed but how would you feel if Derrick Gibson were preparing to cover Antonio Gates today?

Is it me, or is Jim Bates living off a 5-year-old reputation?

Norv Turner's Pregame Speech

I'm inspired.

The Real LT

Ladanian Tomlinson is not LT.

Lawrence Taylor is LT. How come he hasn't shown up at Ladanian's house and cut his hummer in half with a power saw?

And speaking of Lawrence Taylor, if one more person refers to Shawne Merriman as "The Next Lawrence Taylor," I'm going to puke.

LT didn't need steroids or HGH. He was old school: Only cocaine and hookers for him.


Speaking of that, I hope he starts sending hookers to Ladanian's room before every game until he either stops calling himself "LT" or gets syphilis.

Whichever comes first.