Rick Reilly, all-time great chickenshit

This is old, I know. But I work, and there's a baby in the house and I've also been a little busy worrying about who will back up Kyle Boller now that Jason Campbell's collar bone is broken.

But thank Christ for Rick Reilly, who took it upon himself last week to reflect HONESTLY on the legacy of Al Davis.

You know how I know how I know Reilly's column is lazy? Because he quotes 8 outside sources in his column and links to zero of them. That's this many:



You get the idea. Anyway, he sets up a straw man, the idea that everyone who has written an obit about Davis glossed over the darker areas.

As you pass the casket at Maori funerals in New Zealand, you are encouraged to speak frankly to the dead man, sometimes even mentioning his faults, right out loud.

With all due respect to his life and legacy, I think we need a funeral like that for recently departed Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis -- a man I covered since I was 25.

It's white of him to educate us about the religious practices of the Maori. Since he doesn't link to where he got this information, I googled "Maori funeral rites and got this from wikipedia:

• Tangihanga or funeral rites may take two or three days. The deceased lies in state, usually in an open coffin flanked by female relatives dressed in black, their heads sometimes wreathed in kawakawa leaves, who take few and short breaks. During the day, visitors come, sometimes from great distances despite only a distant relationship, to address the deceased. They may speak frankly of his or her faults as well as virtues, but singing and joking are also appropriate. Free expression of grief by both men and women is encouraged. Traditional beliefs may be invoked, and the deceased told to return to the ancestral homeland, Hawaiki, by way of te rerenga wairua, the spirits' journey. The close kin or kiri mate ("dead skin") may not speak. On the last night, the pō whakamutunga (night of ending), the mourners hold a vigil and at sunrise the coffin is closed, before a church or marae funeral service and/or graveside interment ceremony, invariably Christian. It is traditional for mourners to wash their hands in water and sprinkle some on their heads before leaving a cemetery. After the burial rites are completed, a feast is traditionally served. Mourners are expected to provide koha or gifts towards the meal. After the burial, the home of the deceased and the place they died are ritually cleansed with karakia (prayers or incantations) and desanctified with food and drink, in a ceremony called takahi whare, trampling the house. That night, the pō whakangahau (night of entertainment) is a night of relaxation and rest. The widow or widower is not left alone for several nights following.
• During the following year, the kinfolk of a prominent deceased person will visit other marae, "bringing the death" (kawe mate) to them. They carry pictures of the person on to the marae.
• Unveilings of headstones (hura kōwhatu) are usually held about a year after a death, often on a public holiday to accommodate visitors who could not get to the tangihanga. The dead are remembered and more grief expressed.

Notice he left out the parts about the graveside internment ceremony (invariably Christian, totally appropriate for a recently-deceased Jew like Al Davis). This is instructive, because he spends the rest of the column destroying his straw man with Honesty by cherry-picking quotes from obituaries. Let's take a look at just one of those, "Raiders' Al Davis, sport's ultimate bad guy, will be missed" a 9-year old pre-Superbowl column by Bill Plaschke (thanks again, google). 

Actually, take a minute or two and read the whole column. It's a good lesson in how to write a balanced, nuanced take on a complicated man's life. Anyway, his column alternates something good with something not-so-good. Let's take a look at the passage Reilly quotes:

It would be wonderful if today could be a tribute to the brains behind the AFL-NFL merger, the curator of the downfield passing game, the first football executive to hire both a Latino and an African American head coach, the only owner whose successor probably will be a woman.

Notice first what he left off all the non-bolded text. But anyway, the next sentence:

But it's hard to hand over your heart to a guy who used to make his equipment man fall to his knees and clean his shoes when he entered the locker room.

Wait, that sounds familiar. Where have I read that before? Oh, unattributed, in Rick Reilly's HONEST Maori eulogy.

Yet after practices, Davis would routinely throw a towel down on the locker room floor and wait for somebody to clean his shoes. No please, no thank you. Just do it, baby. And grown men would.

Looking at Plashcke's obituary now, I'd like to quote at length another passage.

In the end, this intimidation changed a league, broke down barriers and created a unique sports culture, a group simply known as Raider Fan. This is a name given to any of thousands of spectators — many from Los Angeles — who embrace the sort of havoc in the stands that Davis' team attempts on the field.

What will happen to Raider Fan now? What if Davis' heirs sell the team to someone who will attempt to move them back to Los Angeles' new NFL stadium?

For that to happen, the team must first change the silver and black colors that are so popular among gang members. And second, well, they might as well change the name.

Contrast this with Reilly's Maori Funeral Address.

Yes, Al Davis "was what all Raiders fans identified with" (SBNation.com).

And the rest of the league has had to live with them ever since. A Raiders jersey or jacket became gang uniform in Oakland and L.A. "The Black Hole" at Oakland games is about as disgusting a place as you can find. YouTube is lousy with guys in Raiders jerseys throwing haymakers. Now, there's talk that Davis' oldest son, Mark, may sell the Raiders to Philip Anschutz, who would move the team to Los Angeles. After what happened at Dodgers Stadium this year, you want to bring a thug element that would make Dodgers fans look like Our Gang? Better barricade I-5.

I'm not even going to address the racial coding of "gang uniform" and "thug element." It's too easy and once you bring it up, people get all defensive, because no white person anywhere in the United States is ever racist. And never mind that youtube is also lousy with Eagles fans and Broncos fans and Jets fans throwing haymakers at people. So let's just look at the Plaschke quote next to the Reilly quote and draw our own conclusions.

Oh fuck it. I'd accuse Reilly of plagiarism but I honestly don't think he's smart enough to plagiarize. What he is is Lazy. And chickenshit. He could have written a column where he just flat-out called Al Davis an asshole. Like Jeremy Stahl in Slate's "Al Davis, all-time great asshole."

But Reilly doesn't have the balls. So he plays anthropologist, and libels a bunch fans, and takes cheap shots.

Hater of the Week: Chris Chase

Thanks to Ginger Jesus for forwarding this link to Chris Chase's little blurb about Overstock.com securing naming rights to the Coliseum:

The whole naming deal may be a gross miscalculation by Overstock.com, as it presupposes that Raiders fans know how to use the Internet and/or have a credit card. (Kidding. The biggest obstacle will be getting past the prison's web filters.)

Because Raiders fans are Stupid and Poor and in Jail. Get it? A lot of them are probably minorities, too, and everybody knows they caused the economy to crash with their bad credit. At least Hosting.com gave Raiders Fans more respect than that by implying we're dangerous internet hackers.

Hater of the Week: Donald Rumsfeld

There are known unknowns, unknown knowns, and unknown unknowns. And then there's war criminal and Hater of the Week, Donald Rumsfeld:

"Nobody could support the Raiders. They're evil."

So there's North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and Oakland. Awesome.
(h/t Jerry)

Ouch

From Jerry McDonald's latest post:

How is it possible the Raiders could be overconfident? In a way they’re no different from much of the fan base which thought they had a winner and now are willing to sell their beloved team for a nickel after a bad opener.

Speaking for the CLOAK, I'm not sure we thought we had a "winner," so much as we were encouraged that the problems we've been experiencing over the last 7 years--Commitment to press-bashing, no pass rush, bum offensive line play, bad tackling in the run defense--were at least being dealt with in a manner befitting a professional organization. Sunday's game was a debacle, no different from any of the many debacles we've experienced over that time period.

Jerry's readers are dedicated, though, and this line is like a shout-out to the most loyal readers, the ones who police the site for "haters."

Hater of the Week: John Sousa

When Walter Cronkite delivered his editorial on the Vietnam War on February 17, 1968, Lyndon Johnson reported said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost Middle America."

Well, I don't know what this is worth, but the Raiders have finally lost John Sousa. And this is how they did it:

Spent all week spewing libel at Rich Gannon. The Raiders have done a lot of stupid things over the years, but this was truly the dumbest thing I've ever seen. "We live in a post-9/11 world." Really, Herrera? How about we live in a post-1983 world? One in which offensive innovation has flourished, just about everywhere but here? Oh, except for a brief stint when somebody named Rich Gannon was your quarterback. You fucking assholes.

Then, they go out and completely crap the bed against the Broncos. They played so poorly that the NFL RedZone channel stopped providing live lookins. And I don't blame them. Per Dan, watching the game in an Austin sports bar, this offense is "Art Shell bad."

So, here's the deal. It's not like I'm going shopping for a new team. But I'm doing the following things, until the Raiders prove they are serious about playing honest-to-God NFL Football; or at least as serious about it as they are settling non-existent scores against former players and the media:

I'm refusing to wear any of my Raiders paraphernalia. Not my T. Brown throwback replica, not my Kirk Morrison replica, none of my hats, t-shirts, or shoes. And not my JaMarcus authentic jersey.

Which brings to me the next thing. I will not defend JaMarcus Russell. This pains me to write, because I've been his biggest apologist. But he is awful.

And I will no longer defend Al Davis. He is a tired, senile old man. Someone needs to pull his plug. Lock him in a room playing unending loops of past Raiders victories, and tell him it's current. Then get down to the business of making the Raiders a legitimate, competitive football team.

Fuck this shit.

Hater of the Week: Lowell Cohn

Lowell Cohn, you ask? Not Nancy Gay, for whom the award was originally named and the writer who broke the Jawbreaker story?

Once you have a read of Johnny's professor's one-two combo, you'll know why.

His take on the Cable story is brutal. He begins by musing over Cable going to jail over the incident:

"If Cable goes to the pokey, can he coach the Raiders via cell phone from the exercise yard or while cleaning the latrine, or would he actually have to see the game?"

He goes on to take the requisite jabs at the organization:

"They have a highly stable situation over there in the wilds of Napa. The coaching staff clearly is a model of harmony and organization for the players, and the fact the coach hasn’t yet been arrested should give Raiders fans confidence this team can win at least four of 16 games this season."

He continues with a few shots at Cable:

"If the rumor of the sucker punch is true, does that make Cable a punk? Does it make him a potential felon? Does it make him the perfect Raiders coach?

Answer: All of the above."

And:

"After he gets fired, I see Cable driving a Coors truck in Livermore or Cloverdale."

But then he goes on to extrapolate a few Raider fan comments on sports Web sites to represent the general Raider fan reaction. Oozing with derision he refers to the fans as "intellectual," "thoughtful," a "wit." And he closes with harsh words containing only an insincere disclaimer:

"Have you noticed Raiders fans are different from all other fans? I’m not talking about all Raiders fans, just some. These beauts take pride in incidents like this. From their informed point of view, it’s merely business as usual for their beloved team."

One could argue that Lowell is just doing what he loves - taking what the Raiders give him - and that they have once again stumbled into a distracting off-the-field fiasco just when things on the field were starting to look promising. But on Sunday he wrote an impassioned piece essentially asking to be named Hater of the Week. His article explores his feelings about the Bay Area teams:

"I do like the 49ers better than the Raiders and I’m trying to understand why."

Any person's feelings about the Raiders are intrinsically linked to his or her feelings about Al Davis. Lowell does not like him. His article presents a case likely echoed by local writers and HOTWs who have come before him. Al is vengeful. He punishes writers. After an odd betrayal of Bill Walsh's disdain for overweight coaches, Lowell uses Walsh as expert witness to Al's self-made "life of conflict."

But the point that stings the Raider fan is the following:

"Al wastes his time settling silly scores. Al wastes his time on useless stuff and that is part of why the Raiders have stunk."

Congratulations Lowell Cohn. For declaring your distaste for the Raiders while twisting the knife that is stuck in Raider fans, you have earned HOTW status.

Gene Wang is an ignorant asshole

Via Williamson, who to his credit says, "I just don't buy it," comes this piece of ignorance from some guy named Gene Wang, the Washington Post's "Fantasy Guru." In a checklist-style post, he mentions The Renegade/Second Chance factor, the athleticism, pairing Vick and McFadden in the Wildcat, and Oakland's geographical distance from Atlanta (whatever the fuck that means).

But it's the fifth and final item on the checklist that really kills it, and shows that Mr. Wang does not know what the fuck he's talking about:

Raiders fans, especially in The Black Hole, would have no trouble embracing a player with a prison record. Check.

Looks like we're 5 for 5, so Al Davis, what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone, give the man a call and get him on a plane to the Bay Area.

Um, no Gene. It most definitely DOES NOT look like we're five for five. Why don't you visit Oakland and do a little research first, before just assuming that everyone in the Black Hole who dresses up for the games is actually a criminal. The Bay Area in general and Oakland in particular is one of the most animal-friendly areas in the country. Jarrod Cooper is a fan favorite, and his charity, Help Code 597.org has been set up to help keep dogs out of shelters, and out of the hands of people like Michael Vick. It has the endorsement of the Raiders.

In short, it's the ANTI Michael Vick.

God I wish people would stop talking about this so that I could blog about something else.

Hater of the Week: Washington Times

Sun Myung Moon's newspaper, the Washington Times, has picked the Raiders to finish with the worst record in the NFL this year, with a 2-14 record.

(Hat Tip: Bronco Bill)

Hater of the Week: Aileen Yoo

Blogger Aileen Yoo from SFGate's blog The Scavenger serves up a boatload of condescension in a piece about Permanent Man Crush Nnamdi Asomugha:

Now, Raiders cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha reveals what he'd do if he weren't playing for godawful Oakland. In ESPN's ongoing "backup plan" feature, Asomugha, the highest-paid defensive back ever and quite the do-gooder, morphed into an ESPN TV sports analyst, going from meeting to meeting, and learning the tricks of the trade.

The comments on this post are pretty funny. Right off the bat, JSpicoli writes, "Hey Aileen. You are Godawful."

In her favor, she also noted that 49ers tight end Vernon Davis wants to be an interior decorator when he's done playing ball. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hater of the Week: John Mullin

Tip of the hat to Jerry Mac on this one, who nailed it:

Must be a hater.

Contrarian Award: Rich "Big Vinny" Lieberman

We need to come up with a better name for this. "Anti-hater?" Lover? Anyway, I chose "Contrarian" because Big Vinnie Lieberman goes to bat for the Raiders, taking on the conventional wisdom that the Raiders had the worst draft in the history of the draft in two posts at SFGate blog, Bright Lights, Big City. The first one absolutely eviscerates ESPN for their Anti-Raider bias, taking on Mort, Berman, TJ, and everyone else. Money quote from that post:

I'm speaking more about the premise of credibility. Berman's love affair with the SF 49ers and Giants is notorious. He's even mentioned it several times in interviews on the network itself. The "Raiduhs" shtick was cute about ten years ago, but Berman continues to think it's funny, a la, "back-back-back". He's never been a particularly objective guy when it comes to Oakland, and his partner on "Countdown", ex-NFL player, Tom Jackson, was a former Denver Bronco. Jackson didn't work the draft, but his anti-Raiders bias is well-known and documented. In his playing days, he once refered to John Madden as a "fatman".

Mortensen is in a league by himself. His distaste for Al Davis and the Raiders organization has been legendary, but when it gets to the point where it affects his reportings, then there's a credibility issue. After all, "Mort" supposedly is deemed by ESPN as an "NFL reporter/'insider". His "commentary" is, for the most part, first-rate and fairly accurate, but he needs to strengthen up the "objectivity" box in his Raiders file because no one takes him seriously when he opines about the Raiders.

We all know about Mort's well-documented history covering the Raiders.

In the second post, he goes out and runs the opinion of a former scout who makes the case for Darrius Heyward-Bey.

I was in the process, this morning, of collecting post-draft reactions from national figures; I still may do that. But I wanted to acknowledge that not everyone in the Media hates the Raiders; there's at least one guy out there who's not hater.

Least Shocking Blog Headline from Today's Draft

Bill Williamson is "Live from Denver."

Bill Williamson is a Big, Fat Hater

On Friday, Bill Williamson ranked the NFL quarterbacks, 1-33.

"What?" you ask? There are only 32 teams?

Not only that, but he has JaMarcus ranked at 30, ahead of Derek Anderson, Kyle Orton, and Shaun Hill (49ers should be even more pissed than me).

But that's not what bothers me. Everyone knows I'm a JaMarcus apologist, and I will continue to be one until he's drummed out of the league. But that's not was has me so upset.

Not even the fact that he has Jay Cutler in the top ten, even though Jerry MacDonald broke down why Cutler's overrated just the other day. Besides, if I'm a JaMarcus apologist, then Bill Williamson's whatever the sports world's equivalent of David Gregory dancing with Karl Rove (just subsititue Pat Bowlen for old Turd Blossom).

What really pisses me off is that he has two players, Matthew Stafford at #20, and Mark Sanchez at #22, who have not even been drafted yet.

That's just dumb.

Insulting Billboard Still Up

I was pumping gas a few minutes ago and this was my view. I have to look at this shit every day on my way home and be insulted.

The Raiders have not responded to my email taking umbrage with this billboard. Yes, I know, there is a player lost at sea, free agents to be signed, and a draft to prepare for, but that doesn't mean the Raiders can't slap a "Cease and Desist" order on these bastards.

It just might be time to escalate.

Hater of the Week: Hosting.com

I was driving home the other day and I saw this billboard. As you can see, some asshole of a company called hosting.com will protect your data from those dastardly Raiders fans. These fucking idiots must take the "Pillaging just for fun" lyric of the "The Autumn Wind" literally. I've forwarded this picture to feedback@raiders.com, to alert the Raiders to this atrocity. I can't believe they would insult their fans this way.

I'll post any response from the Raiders that I receive.

Hater of the Week, Super Bowl Addition: Charles P. Pierce

I thought of naming Jerry Mac and/or Adam Treu for bringing up the game that almost got me divorced, but instead I'm going to Slate.com this week for the Hater of the Week, perhaps the first time it's been given to someone who wasn't hating on the Raiders.

Ladies and Gentleman, I present Charles P. Pierce, and let his words speak for themselves:

This simple fact is that the very presence of the Arizona Cardinals in the
Super Bowl is at best a fluke and, at worst, a disgrace. They played in a landfill of a division. They won their two playoff games because Jake Delhomme of Carolina turned the ball over six times and because the Philadelphia Eagles all looked at the newspapers last Sunday and discovered they were in the NFC championship game again. The Cardinals are a glorified Arena Football League team with a soft defense and a running game unworthy of the name. They are in the position that they're in because the NFL rigs its season worse than any carny rigs his wheel. For all the macho posturing of its principal propagandists, between the jiggering of the schedule and the conniving of the draft and the socialistic revenue schemes, and the desperate grab for any mechanism that will flatten out the differences between really good teams and really bad ones, the NFL is the league that comes closest to the biddy soccer league philosophy of making sure that everyone gets a trophy.

That's what the Arizona Cardinals are: the National Participation
Ribbon.

He doesn't stop there. He has words for Thom Brenneman (which I appreciate; it's a scientific fact that 75% of men who spell their name "Thom" are douche bags, compared with 100% of men who spell their name "Geoff"), Tim Tebow, and Brett Favre.

Good Work, Chuck.

Detroit is Better than the Raiders, WTF?

Look, the CLOAK knows the Raiders suck. Okay? If you could see my iPhone right now, you'd see a poem of despair written in text messages between Dan and Me.

But some guy named Tim Parent wrote an article on the Bleacher Report arguing that the Detroit Lions, currently 0-13, are a better team than the Raiders.

He admits that while his argument is stupid, because the Raiders have 3 games to the Lions 0, that nevertheless you can deduce the Lions are the better because the gain more yards, score more points, and, well, let's let Mr. Parent tell it in his own words:

Let's put the numbers aside and level the playing field with the one game element that can not be calculated using statistics—heart. It's the one thing every NFL team must have in order for all of this to mean something. If you're missing that, don't even bother showing up.

This is where Detroit manhandles Oakland.

His evidence? Rudi Johnson's blog on the team website (which Parent neglects to link to, so I had to look it up myself), where it was transcribed, "But now, it’s like crunch time when we run out of options and run out of time now. So we have to make something happen like right now and teams aren’t letting us do that the easy way." Actually, Parent paraphrases this.

Look, as a Raiders fan, I'm embarrassed that the Raiders at the end of their 6th straight season with at least 10 losses. It's unacceptable that the team of Ken Stabler, Jim Otto, John Madden, Jim Plunket, Fred Belitnikoff, Howie Long, etc etc etc is now mentioned in the same breath with a team like the Detroit Lions, who have none of that history despite being almost 30 years older than the Raiders as a franchise.

But Parent's argument is just plain retarded.

Also, ask yourself, if, as the parent of a young child, you saw some asshole dressed like he's dressed, and doing what he's doing, on your child's playground.

I mean, it's not that complicated. I bet even Al Davis could figure that one out.

HOTW: Baldy

Yes, chiming in with a Hater of the Week award, even when it seems everyone's a hater this year. One must really distinguish oneself in these times, and Brian Baldinger has done so with this gem:

"The quarterback can't play. He's a bust. Darren McFadden is a bust. He won't stay healthy in this league. He's had only one good game. They have drafted poorly. They are easily scouted. The defense plays schemes that don't make sense. They play the ends out wide, and play the safeties too deep. Al Davis always believes that you have a deep safety, but Atlanta exploited that with Michael Turner. And to just see how bad Russell is, you have to look at what Matt Ryan did in that game. Russell just doesn't know what he is doing."

While John will protest, I can almost let the Russell comments go. JaMarcus is the quarterback, was the #1 pick, is in his second year, and hasn't looked good lately. But declaring McFadden a bust? That's just crazy. It is something a blowhard throws out there off the top of his head when he's hosting an online chat session.

Turf toe is a bad injury to have in the NFL. It's one of those that tends to ruin an entire season, but allows the player to limp (literally) through most of the games. I'm no doctor, but it doesn't seem to be a chronic injury or something from which you can't fully recover. To declare McFadden a bust after he's had the bad luck to have two turf toe injuries is dumb.

The "easily scouted," "schemes that don't make sense," "ends out wide," and "safeties too deep" comments are intriguing. Would be nice to see it broken down intelligently with Sterling Sharpe, though.

John's Picks

Since Sllaacs is apparently out making it safe for white folks to vote against Obama without feeling that twinge of white guilt, and therefore Sllaaccing on making the picks (Probably because the 49ers have a bye, and oh yes, that was a pun), here we go*.

Raiders vs. Falcons: You know, I was kind of back to feeling like we really, really suck, and that I should never, ever pick the Raiders to win a game. Plus, Michael Turner is on my fantasy squad, and given our difficulty stopping the run, I feel like I'm kind of guaranteed a big day there. But then again, JaMarcus has been sharp at home, as have the Raiders generally other than the first game. And seeing as we have the best defense in the AFC West, and DeAngelo Hall is fired up to face his old team, we can't lose. But that doesn't mean we're going to win, either. Tie Game, 20-20.

Green Bay vs. Tennessee: Aaron Rodgers got a contract extension. Maybe he'll lose all of his motivation. Tennessee has an awesome defense and Kerry Collins at QB, and in spite of that fact is undefeated. I like the Packers in this game, on the Road. 27-21.

Dallas vs. New York Football Giants: My buddy Todd is in New Jersey for this game. He's a Cowboys (and RomoSexual, like the Professor), and his girlfriend Adi has an inexplicable crush on Eli Manning. Well, Jessica's Boyfriend is not playing, and the Giants are good. I like the Giants, 27-17.

Washington vs. Pittsburg. Game of the week, easily. 5-2 vs. 6-2, in a game that may or may not have electoral implications. Berman is interviewing both McCain and Obama at halftime. Hopefully nobody will walk in front of the camera. I like the Steelers in this game, especially if Santana Moss doesn't play. 21-17.


*That's not really Sllaacs. It just kinda looks like him.

Did the Ravens Get Another Bye?

Normally this would qualify Mike Preston of the Baltimore Sun for Hater of the Week status. But I'm back to being discouraged, and pretty much everything the guy wrote is true. This is brutal:

Didn't the Raiders look like a team out of NFL Europe? To the Ravens' credit, they did exactly what they're supposed to do against bad teams. They kicked the Raiders around physically and sent them back home.

It's hard to evaluate the Ravens' performance because everything starts with this qualifier: It was against the Raiders. Oakland has no offensive line. The Raiders' coverage units on special teams were pathetic, and their defense tried to play man-to-man in the secondary with no pass rush.

He goes on to destroy the "West Coast Team Playing at 10:00amPT in the East" excuse with this:

But there is no excuse for the Raiders. They would stink up the field anywhere in the world at any time.

(h/t: Jerry Mac)